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facts about steve albini Recorders, Players & Tape Machines
Old 15th August 2008
  #1
Gear Maniac
 

facts about steve albini

got this in an email today. it's worth a chuckle.


Albini Facts

Steve Albini doesn't need microphones to record hit records. He listens carefully, then he writes it all down.

Steve Albini doesn't need name brand equipment to make hit records. All he needs is a ball of copper and an electrical outlet.

Steve Albini doesn't need a lathe to cut records. His can draw waveforms free-hand.

Steve Albini doesn't need a tuner for his guitars when playing on hit records. His guitars are not out of tune.

Steve Albini doesn't need an instrument to calibrate his tape decks for he can sing 1000 hertz.

Steve Albini invented Big Black. In fact, he invented the entire
spectrum of visible light.

Steve Albini's physique is actually massive. His public image is a cover he uses to lure his enemies into a false sense of security.

Steve Albini didn't use a drum machine in Big Black. He produced the beats by conjuring the power of thunder through his guitar.

On a cruise with his girlfriend Steve Albini made an amplifier out of two mattresses and a pitcher of Sangria. It sounds amazing.

Shellac is not allowed to play Los Angeles as Steve Albini's guitar tone would cause California to fall into the ocean.

Some people say that there was no good music before Steve Albini. We call those people enlightened.

Steve Albini can turn copper into gold.

Steve Albini doesn't need to shower. Every morning Bob Weston licks him clean.

Before meeting Steve Albini, Dave Grohl played drums like Ringo Starr.

Steve Albini is the reason why Connor Oberst is so sad.

Steve Albini can disguise his body in the shape of a plane and overthrow rogue nations. With his charm.

Steve Albini's glasses are really windows into your soul.

Steve Albini singlehandedly invented the process of recording sound to tape 35 years before he was born.

Steve Albini can balance the nation's budget with a calculator watch and a bottle of jim bean. Unfortunately he does not drink.

Chicago style deep dish pizza was invented when Steve Albini's kick drum sound punched craters in the dough.

Inside Steve Albini's ears are another set of ears.

God paid Steve Albini points on the creation of the universe.

Steve Albini was sent into the desert with nothing but a shaving razor. Four days later he returned with the master tapes for Atomizer.

Steve Albini has his own currency. It's a penny with his head on side and the word BAD on the other side.

Steve Albini drinks crude oil and pisses kerosene.

Steve Albini ejaculates 12AX7s.

All of Steve Albini's thoughts are recorded directly onto a Studer A820 and may only be converted to vinyl by analogue mastering.

Steve Albini ****ed your girlfriend once. Maybe twice, he can't remember.

God wrote a song called "Prayer to Steve Albini."

Steve Albini doesn't rip off the Chuck Norris Facts. They were originally about him, but it would cost extra to use his name.
Old 16th August 2008
  #2
Lives for gear
 
3rd&4thT's Avatar
 

I guess Steve Albini has made it, if this email is anything to go by.

Honest, I'm a pro at this, but I can't find any laughs in it. I have looked.

Guess you hadda be there.

So, Al Jolson was trying to intimidate an engineer on a recording session and for some reason it just wasn't working. Finally, Jolson shouted at the guy, "I got four million dollars. What'chyou got?"

The engineer replied, "Four friends."

Oh well,
3rd&4thT
Old 16th August 2008
  #3
Lives for gear
 
jchadstopherhuez's Avatar
 

weston gives "licking" showers ?

i knew he was a nice guy...but i had no idea.

cool.

best,

jchristopherhughes
Old 17th August 2008
  #4
Lives for gear
 
slaphappygarry's Avatar
 

That is really funny.

My fav is:

Quote:
Steve Albini doesn't need a lathe to cut records. His can draw waveforms free-hand.
G
Old 17th August 2008
  #5
Gear Guru
 
Karloff70's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3rd&4thT View Post
I guess Steve Albini has made it, if this email is anything to go by.

Honest, I'm a pro at this, but I can't find any laughs in it. I have looked.

Guess you hadda be there.

So, Al Jolson was trying to intimidate an engineer on a recording session and for some reason it just wasn't working. Finally, Jolson shouted at the guy, "I got four million dollars. What'chyou got?"

The engineer replied, "Four friends."

Oh well,
3rd&4thT
+1 ........ petty is not the same as funny.....for one it's smaller.....
Old 17th August 2008
  #6
Lives for gear
 
bcgood's Avatar
 

lame
Old 20th August 2008
  #7
Gear Guru
 
lucey's Avatar
Dude ... this is not interesting or funny, and it's really long. Maybe it's an age thing but I don't get this at all. What's the meaning?

Steve Albini is a guy living and recording in Chicago for a fair price in top professional form. He's built some lovely rooms and a wonderful mic collection from past collaborations. If you want a natural presentation he's as good as anyone doing it.

Are you complimenting him, or making fun of him or what ... I'm confused.
Old 28th August 2008
  #8
Gear Nut
 

some of you must not be familiar with the Chuck Norris Facts.
Old 2nd September 2008
  #9
Lives for gear
 
rhythmtech's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by lucey View Post

Are you complimenting him, or making fun of him or what ... I'm confused.
none of the above and all of the above!!

albini is now an immortal with chuck norris.. and rightly so.
Old 12th December 2008
  #10
Gear Head
 

Why so serious, everyone? Love him or hate him (dont see how you could hate him though), those facts are mildly entertaining.
Old 12th December 2008
  #11
Lives for gear
 
soupking's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by danranges View Post
some of you must not be familiar with the Chuck Norris Facts.
Seriously, I'm reading these responses and grinning even more how the misunderstanding wants to grow into debate or something. Heh, right on.

I love the quote about Al Jolson, that's awesome.
Old 16th December 2008
  #12
Registered User
 

NOT really that funny, but:

"Steve Albini ejaculates 12AX7s."

is actually pretty damn funny.
Old 16th December 2008
  #13
jdg
Lives for gear
 
jdg's Avatar
im not to sure about the internet...
Chicagoist: LOLbini
Old 16th December 2008
  #14
Here for the gear
 

Hey, it's funnier than the "Behringer causing AIDS" gag.
Old 17th December 2008
  #15
Lives for gear
 
Jake 2.0's Avatar
Funny stuff!
Old 21st December 2008
  #16
Lives for gear
 
Makinithappen's Avatar
 

I'm not a huge Steve Albini fan, but I thought they were pretty funny.
Old 8th January 2009
  #17
80425
Guest
suck his cock already.funny though
Old 9th January 2009
  #18
Lives for gear
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by facingtraffic View Post
Hey, it's funnier than the "Behringer causing AIDS" gag.
that was horrible.
Old 9th January 2009
  #19
Lives for gear
 
analogtodd's Avatar
 

Was Al Jolson a jagoff or something? I'm not familiar with the context, although the story is good!
Old 15th January 2009
  #20
Lives for gear
 
lpkyer's Avatar
 

I thought it was pretty funny ! And I like the guy alot !
Old 16th January 2009
  #21
Gear Maniac
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geoff Firebaugh View Post

Steve Albini doesn't need to shower. Every morning Bob Weston licks him clean.
heh that's my favorite. If you LOVE Shellac as much as I do and are familiar with the guys, you have to think this is funny

All in all Steve Albini has a sharp sense of humor that few people get.
Old 16th January 2009
  #22
Gear Addict
 
Miserable's Avatar
 

I just can't get it definitely ('cos I'm a spaniard maybe)

In any case I respect Albini enough to enter here.
Old 3rd July 2009
  #23
bee
Lives for gear
 
bee's Avatar
 

Funny stuff!
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