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Drummer Jokes! (other 'musicians' encouraged as well)
Old 15th January 2003
  #31
Lives for gear
 
Steve Smith's Avatar
 

OK, A Producer, Engineer and the A&R rep for the Newest " up and coming" boy band decide to take a break form sessions and bring the 4 young men out for a day on a boat. After a few hours ( and a few miles out to sea, the boat devolops a leak and the engineer realizes the life boat only seats three...

Engineer : "but wait, we should save the band!"

Producer : " F*ck the band!"

A&R rep : " Do you think we have time??"
Old 15th January 2003
  #32
Lives for gear
 
chap's Avatar
 

more

Albert Einstein was creating a visual , mental model for one of his advanced (lesser known) theories on relativity.
In his mind, he imagined a riddle.....a duck and a trombonist are driving on parallel, identical roads
at the identical speed in identical vehichles. What's the difference? After many sleepless nights, Einstein awoke witha eureka! Of course! the difference is:













the duck is driving to a gig.
Old 15th January 2003
  #33
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 

Running with the the "lightbulb" theme....



How many drummers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


























None. They have a machine that does that now.

Bwah ha ha
Old 15th January 2003
  #34
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 

and this is nothing about drummers either, but im bored:

What is the best use for an oboe?










Kindling for a bassoon fire.
Old 15th January 2003
  #35
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 

Ok, i'm so bored i'm going to type in this whole bloody joke just 'cos it's about the silliest thing i've heard for years. You need to hear it told to appreciate it, but it's almost musical cos its got a musical instrument in it.

So you have to imagine me telling it, and also imagine that i'm the funniest person you've ever met at telling jokes.

And read it SLOWLY. Don't just whizz through it. It doesn't work otherwise.

Indulge me.

Ok...

There are these two guys, Steve and Dave. They're driving back from a really boring late meeting in the city and before Steve gets out to catch a bus, they decide to go for a quick drink somewhere between their two houses to wind down from a busy days work.

They aren't sure where the nearest bar is, and decide to stop at the next place that looks like it serves beer.

They come across a pretty seedy joint next to a run down trailer park. They park the car and go inside.

The place is ok to look at really, nothing special. They order a beer each and sit down. There's nothing really going on in there. Couple of guys playing darts and someone watching the football half asleep at the bar. Usual thing.

After chatting for a while about the days meetings, Steve nods to Dave with a strange look in his eye to see what's walked in through the door. Steve peers around as if he's not really looking, and there's a really wierd sight. A woman, no TWO women, no hang on, one woman....in a dress. Oh my God, how wierd, it's a siamese twin. Female, in an oversize dress. 2 heads, but just one body. This wierd person has just walked into the bar and ordered TWO beers!

Dave turns back to face Steve. "Trailer trash gone wild!" whispers Dave, chuckling in horror.

Before he's got a chance to catch his breath, Dave is prodded sharply in the back and he spills his drink. Dave turns around. Steve looks bewildered.

"Hello, I'm Doris and this is Mabel" says the head on the left on the siamese twin, obviously the one speaking, called Doris.

"Yes, and I'm Mabel, and this is Doris!" screams the head on the right of the saimese twin, before DorisMabel burst out laughing, twice as loud as a normal woman.

DorisMabel sits down with them without even asking. Doris stares into Daves eyes, and Mabel puts her hand on Steve's knee. Steve takes her hand off his knee.

"A round of beer for our friends here!" shouts Doris to the barman. "Yeah, and some vodka shots too!" shouts Mabel.

Before long, the 3 (4) of them are completely drunk.

"Look, I've got to go" says Steve. "My wifes gonna kill me!"

"You never said you were married!" shreiks Mabel.

"You never asked!" replies Steve. "Dave, are you staying?"

But Dave is too busy getting a facefull of Doris. They are really at it, tongues down each others throats.

Steve leaves them to it.

************************

It's now MUCH later.

"Hey" slurs Doris to Dave, "how about you come back with me for the night"

"Where..where do you live" stammers Dave.

"In the trailer park" burps Doris. "It's cozy. There's a bed and everything..."

"But what about Mabel....". Dave looks over at Mabel, who looks bored out of her mind, has sobered up somewhat, and is tapping her fingers on the table in annoyance.

"Ahh, she'll be Ok" waves Doris. "C'mon, let's go!"

And before Dave knows it, he has been ushered out of the bar by the side of DorisMabel known as 'Doris', while Mabel keeps herself amused trying to file her nails with one hand.

*************************

It's getting pretty heated in the trailer. Clothes are starting to come off. Doris is trying to get Dave's trousers off....


"Look, look"...mutters Dave, "I'm not sure if I can go through with this. It's...it's...it's WIERD....I mean, what about Mabel!"

Mabel is smoking a cigarette and looking the other way.

"It's OK" whispers Doris to Dave, "we've done this before and we've worked a way around this kind of thing. You see, me and you can go to bed, and she'll just lie there and play the SAXOPHONE."

Dave thinks about this for a moment.

"Oh, erm, ok...."says Dave, and before long, he's dragged into bed.

*************************

There's some serious lovemaking going on now. Dave and Doris are really at it. It's beautiful. If a little strange.

Meanwhile, Mabel starts fiddling around at the side of the bed. She opens up a black case, produces a saxophone, puts it to her lips, and serenades her neighbouring lovemakers into the night.

The hours slip by in a sea of extacy, intimacy, and jazz cheesiness.

Finally, after making love many times, and hearing 'April In Paris' on the saxophone half a dozen times, Dave falls into a blissfull, deep sleep.....

**************************


Dave wakes up with a terrible hangover.

He can't work out where he is.

He sits up.

He looks across the bed.

He sees DorisMabel. Doris is smiling in her sleep. Mabel is dozing, still holding the saxaphone to her mouth. Every time she breathes out there is a little 'parp'.

Dave screams.

He puts his clothes back on as fast as he can and runs out of the trailer and away from the trailer park as fast as his legs will carry him.


**************************

"Hey look" says Steve to Dave while they're driving back from work many weeks later, "Isn't that the place where we met that Doris girl?"

"Yeah, and you met Mabel!" laughs Dave.

"Yeah, but I didn't make LOVE to Mabel. I didn't even kiss her!" says Steve, pulling into the car park of the bar.

"Hey, what are you doing! We can't drink in there! Not after the other night!" shouts Dave. "Turn around! Drive back!"

"Ahh, relax will ya" says Steve, turning off the ignition. "Just one beer. And NO talking to strange women. Ok?"

"Urm, well, ok" mutters Dave quietly.

Steve walks into the bar. Dave follows him nervously.

It's deserted, except for the barman. Dave breathes a sigh of relief.

Steve orders some beers and they sit down.


**************************

Unknown to Dave and Steve, DorisMabel have walked in to the bar from a side entrance.

DorisMabel can see into the bar, but they are around a corner where Dave and Steve can't see them.

"Look!" exclaims Mabel, "It's your lover boyfriend!! Quick, go over and talk to him!!!"

"No, no, I can't!" says Doris, pulling back.

"Why not, what's wrong?" asks Mabel.

"I don't know" cries Doris. "He ran off like that all of a sudden. I don't even think he likes me!"

"Oh come on, don't cry" says Mabel, pulling out a tissue. "You should go and talk to him"

"I'm not sure" sniffles Doris, "Do you think he'd recognise me?"
Old 16th January 2003
  #36
Gear Addict
 
Curious G's Avatar
 

Dog for sale

Not a music joke but maybe you'll like it.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my
gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a
dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I
knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a
batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This
dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He's never done any of that shit"
Old 16th January 2003
  #37
Mindreader
 
BevvyB's Avatar
 

I'm bumping so you can take advantage of mine and Glorious G's heroic afforts
Old 18th January 2003
  #38
Gear Maniac
 
palebluedot's Avatar
 

Ok, so there's a Jazz singer and a pianist

Pianist> Tonight, when we perform Cry Me a River, can we go down a semitone in the second chorus, up two whole tones in the middle 8 and can we go in to a Mixolydian scale for the final chorus






Singer> I couldn't possibly do that




Pianist> Well you managed last night!


Regards

Nathan
Old 19th January 2003
  #39
Super Moderator
 
Remoteness's Avatar
My friend just emailed this to me. Check it out...


NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)________________________
INFRACTION DATE____________________________________

MUSICAL OFFENSES
[ ] Playing loudly during warm up - $10
[ ] Sound-checking amp with funk slapping - $25
[ ] Loud cursing after mistake - $10
[ ] Playing high and fast after mistake - $20
[ ] Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes - $20
[ ] Asking for "E" tuning note - $25
[ ] Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb - $50
[ ] Playing written-out walking line - $50
[ ] Failure to play written walking line - $75
[ ] Writing note names over ledger-line notes - $50
[ ] Writing beat numbers under dotted figures - $50
[ ] Playing eighth notes - $5 each
[ ] Playing sixteenth notes - $10 each
[ ] Playing above 1st octave - immediate dismissal
[ ] Dragging fast tempo - $7
[ ] Dragging ballad tempo - $100
[ ] Blacking out during ballad - $200
[ ] Ignoring drummer's tempo - $100
[ ] Following drummer's tempo - $250
[ ] Asking to borrow Real Book for "All Of Me" - $1000


UPRIGHT PLAYERS
[ ] Showing up before first downbeat - $25
[ ] Playing audibly - $25
[ ] Faking changes - $25
[ ] Slapping - $150
[ ] Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass - $25
[ ] Excessive sweating - $25
[ ] Pedal point double-stops during horn solo - $50
[ ] Asking leader for a solo - $30
[ ] Accepting solo when offered - $50
[ ] Taking second chorus - $100
[ ] Playing solo arco - $400
[ ] Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune - $100
[ ] Playing "A Train" ending on every tune - $200
[ ] Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune - $500

ELECTRIC PLAYERS
[ ] Checking hair between tunes - $15
[ ] Experimenting with odd meters - $25
[ ] Missing root at end of blistering fill - $25
[ ] Playing with a pick - $50
[ ] Tuning during ballad - $30
[ ] Playing Jaco groove on samba - $75
[ ] Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad - $150
[ ] Attempting last word on final chord - $50
[ ] Achieving last word on final chord - $100
[ ] Long gliss down to final note - $200

EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
[ ] Forgetting strap - $10
[ ] Changing strings after every set - $15
[ ] Using electric tuner - $15
[ ] Setting up mic "just in case" - $75
[ ] Forgetting to turn amp on - $40
[ ] Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip - $50
[ ] Asking horn player for help moving amp - $25
[ ] Bringing custom-made bass - $100 per string above 4
[ ] Bringing more than 1 bass - $100 per extra bass
[ ] Skull decals on bass - $150
[ ] Bringing fretless bass - $500

CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
[ ] Telling bone player about all the gigs you get - $10
[ ] Asking bone player about their day gig - $10
[ ] Sitting behind drums on break - $10
[ ] Quoting "Birdland" - $25
[ ] Practicing scales during break - $25
[ ] Practicing scales during drum solo - $50
[ ] Practicing - $150
[ ] Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." - $50
[ ] Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" - $100

BASS-IC STUPIDITY
[ ] Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt - $10
[ ] Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt - $20
[ ] Asking when the rock set starts - $20
[ ] Continually asking "where are we?" - $25
[ ] Continually shouting "Yeah!" - $25
[ ] Asking bone player where "1" is - $50
[ ] Taking cell phone call during 4's - $100
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