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dodgy mastering ad DAW Software
Old 31st August 2007
  #1
Lives for gear
 
peat's Avatar
dodgy mastering ad

so i happen to come across this poster in an audio engineering school

it is written out exactly as it appeared
spelling and grammar included



TIRED OF WAITING TO GO TO A
MASTERING LAB IN ORDER TO SONICALLY FINALIZE YOUR WORK? ON A LIMITEDBUDGET TO GET YOUR STUFF MASTERED?

have a pc computer that has at least 512MB of hard memory?

if you said 'yes' to at least once of these questions, dont be a sook anymore and learn from the best how to audio engineer/master on your home computer or laptop!!

with our classes, we teach clientele how to master in an analog or a digital domain using your pc workstation or laptop.

after your rites of passage youll be able to:
-master according to bob ludwig gateway standards

-quantize sonic human frequencies and thresholds on your final product for ultimate transparent compression and limiting

-utilize input slope in order to shift loudness per octave so that you hear your snares pierce through the mix with ease or hear the 'meat' of the track or vocals/stabs pierce through the mix, too with ease.

-increase rms loudness to music industry standards without introducting sibilance/graininess or distortion while acquiring pristine clarity

-and much, much more!!!!!

tools will be provided as part of a client's price quote free of charge. the only thing that is required is that you bring your pc that is 32-bit windows based (excluding vista o/s's). clientele will be quoted on length of hourly class sessions only

you cant beat that with a bat or a boom stand my man



so i thought id see what more i could get and sent this email:

hello
i am interested in your mastering classes. i have a PC that has at least 512MB of hard memory (you mean RAM right?)
how can i master in an analogue domain with my computer?
on your poster, you mention quantizing sonic human frequencies, what do you mean by this? you also mention utilizing input slope to shift loudness per octave, what does this mean? what tools will be provided as a part of a clients price quote?

how much will these classes cost me?

how much experience do you have in the industry, im just starting out what are some projects that you have worked on?

thank you

and received this:

Yes Peter, what's up? You're correct; I mean RAM. I have plugins, that are provided to students, that emulate down to a science based on quantum physics algorithms the analogue/physical domain of sound as well as the less-warm but pristine sound of digital domain.

Thanks for taking interesting in replying to my ad. These classes will run $25/hour for at least a minimum of 2 hours per session. I only accept dead prime minister's and queen's only.

Although some of the plugins that will be used are DirectX and VST technology, we would be using some Waves plugins, I'm sure that you're familar with them. We will also be using sonic finalizers, transparent limiters, transparent compressors, analog chorus chambers, etc.

Input slope balances the frequency shift of the sound by at just the twist of the knob that can make the snares sit on top of the mix or that the ambience sears through the mix from the mid-low and mid-hi frequence and the bass from the lower frequencies. If you enroll in my class, you'll get an absolute, precise concept of what input slope as declared in my ad.

I worked mostly on self-projects. If you want to hear some samples of projects of beats that I made in FL Studio and then mastered in Sound Forge 9.0, then please let me know.

Thanks again, guy! =) Cheers!

-- Izzy.




so i ask:
does this person have:
-absolutely no idea
-a slight idea jazzed up with fancy words in random places

is there anything legitimate in that ad?
im pretty sure theres not

Old 31st August 2007
  #2
tools will be provided as part of a client's price quote free of charge

So he will be providing cracked Waves plugins?
Old 31st August 2007
  #3
Lives for gear
 

Wow, just wow.

I would try to negotiate for a free hour or two, or ask to visit his "classroom".

Has he sent you anything yet? I am dying th hear these FL productions. I mean, if he can handle that level of pro software then he must be legit.

Maybe Waves should be invited to go check it out as well! thumbsup
Old 31st August 2007
  #4
Lives for gear
 
Cellotron's Avatar
Wow, just wow.

oops - someone already said that.

That guy should hook up with this one:

Best Mastering Studio Hip Hop, Rap, RnB Mastering, Gospel, Latin, Rock, Carribbean, Kompas mastering studio

... so that Sterling & Gateway would start shaking in fear.


You should go to a "class" and post your results - I'd love to hear what an "analog chorus chamber" and adjusting the input slope do to a mix!

Best regards,
Steve Berson
Old 31st August 2007
  #5
Lives for gear
 
peat's Avatar
one that sticks our

analog chorus chamber


what the hell
could mean reverb chamber
but i dont think reverb chambers get used alot in mastering
Old 31st August 2007
  #6
Gear Addict
 

"Yes Peter, what's up? You're correct; I mean RAM. I have plugins, that are provided to students, that emulate down to a science based on quantum physics algorithms the analogue/physical domain of sound as well as the less-warm but pristine sound of digital domain."


Damn, Quantum Physics and everything!!

Clearly, this guy is the standard by which all other Mastering Engineers should be judged.

He sounds really smart too.

I'm going!
Old 31st August 2007
  #7
Gear Maniac
 
barbaroja's Avatar
 

hm the chorus chamber sounds so exotic... maybe it is a quantum physics modelled analog chorus chamber... even more exotic...
Old 31st August 2007
  #8
Lives for gear
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by barbaroja View Post
hm the chorus chamber sounds so exotic... maybe it is a quantum physics modelled analog chorus chamber... even more exotic...
It all runs on hard memory too.
Old 31st August 2007
  #9
Here for the gear
 
Binturong's Avatar
 

Bring a gun, hes gonna try to rob you !!!!!

But seriously what a crock
Old 31st August 2007
  #10
Lives for gear
 

And it is analog, so you had better have a good PC!
Old 31st August 2007
  #11
Lives for gear
 
DSD_Mastering's Avatar
Guess I don't need to read the comics today in the Newspaper....

Regards,
Bruce
Old 31st August 2007
  #12
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Empire Prod's Avatar
 

LOL! Great threadheh
Old 31st August 2007
  #13
Gear Addict
 
Kubilay's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by fross View Post
[B]Damn, Quantum Physics and everything!!

Clearly, this guy is the standard by which all other Mastering Engineers should be judged.

He sounds really smart too.

I'm going!
VIDEO, please! Can you get a hidden camera and mic? You could become a YouTube legend!
Old 31st August 2007
  #14
Lives for gear
 
FossilTooth's Avatar
 

How many times was this guy dropped on his head?

There is not a single complete sentence in his writing that is accurate, valid, truthful, relevant, intelligent, or even remotely sane.

I'll try not to make fun of this guy. There is clearly something wrong with his head. Literally. This writing shows evidence of a variety of likely emotional and cognitive disorders.

So, be gentle. It's quite possible that he can't help it. He appears to be "touched" ...if you know what I mean.


I doubt he's malicious. Just.... abnormal.
Old 31st August 2007
  #15
Lives for gear
 
Dave Peck's Avatar
 

Looks like Diamond Dave has landed on his feet & started a new business.

I'll bet Bob Ludwig wouldn't be too happy to learn that his name and his business's name are being associated with this guy.

DP
Old 31st August 2007
  #16
Lives for gear
 
Masterer's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by peat View Post
...after your rites of passage..
..And a quick shower!


Quote:
Originally Posted by peat View Post
.. youll be able to:
-master according to bob ludwig gateway standards
I do enjoy Bob Ludwig Gateway's work. That guy Led Zeppelin is another favorite..


Quote:
Originally Posted by peat View Post
-and much, much more!!!!!
I'll bet.
Old 31st August 2007
  #17
Lives for gear
 
gainstages's Avatar
best laugh i've had in days.... priceless.
Old 31st August 2007
  #18
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cellotron View Post
Wow, just wow.

oops - someone already said that.

That guy should hook up with this one:

Best Mastering Studio Hip Hop, Rap, RnB Mastering, Gospel, Latin, Rock, Carribbean, Kompas mastering studio

... so that Sterling & Gateway would start shaking in fear.


You should go to a "class" and post your results - I'd love to hear what an "analog chorus chamber" and adjusting the input slope do to a mix!

Best regards,
Steve Berson
Love to see what that guy's web designer could come up with for Izzy.

I can imagine a real synergism.

Um... better make that synergy. While synergism is a word, I just pronounced it in my mind and... well.
Old 31st August 2007
  #19
Lives for gear
 
Bob Yordan's Avatar
Hmm, I think he forgot one thing in his add.

Quote:
Originally Posted by peat View Post
TIRED OF WAITING TO GO TO A
MASTERING LAB IN ORDER TO SONICALLY FINALIZE YOUR WORK? ON A LIMITEDBUDGET TO GET YOUR STUFF MASTERED?


have a pc computer that has at least 512MB of hard memory?



if you said 'yes' to at least once of these questions, dont be a sook anymore and learn from the best how to audio engineer/master on your home computer or laptop!!



with our classes, we teach clientele how to master in an analog or a digital domain using your pc workstation or laptop.



after your rites of passage youll be able to:


-master according to bob ludwig gateway standards



-quantize sonic human frequencies and thresholds on your final product for ultimate transparent compression and limiting



-utilize input slope in order to shift loudness per octave so that you hear your snares pierce through the mix with ease or hear the 'meat' of the track or vocals/stabs pierce through the mix, too with ease.



-increase rms loudness to music industry standards without introducting sibilance/graininess or distortion while acquiring pristine clarity



-and much, much more!!!!!



tools will be provided as part of a client's price quote free of charge. the only thing that is required is that you bring your pc that is 32-bit windows based (excluding vista o/s's). clientele will be quoted on length of hourly class sessions only



you cant beat that with a bat or a boom stand my man


ps
Dont forget to bring your PC speakers

ds
Old 31st August 2007
  #20
Gear Addict
Wow! Did Walters open up a school?
Old 31st August 2007
  #21
Lives for gear
 
beau_mckee's Avatar
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Please PleasePretty Please get the samples!!!! fruity Loops? has this guy even recorded something with a microphone before?
Old 31st August 2007
  #22
Lives for gear
 

the sad thing is, there are going to be LOTS of people who will actually plop down their hard earned jacksons and think they learned something.

and did someone say sinnerjizzum?


cheers,
wade
Old 1st September 2007
  #23
Lives for gear
 
Kyle S's Avatar
 

i used to work at gc.

i could have met this guy 5 times over in my time working there.

strangest thing is, they ALL use fruityloops.

Old 1st September 2007
  #24
Lives for gear
 
mixerguy's Avatar
very funny

very sad at the same time....

Old 1st September 2007
  #25
Lives for gear
 
The dman's Avatar
 

This is priceless

http://mastering1.com/Mastering-Recording-Studio.html

Audio Samples

We did not put any Audio / Mastered CD Samples, because many studios use our Mastering like they did it.

Anyone can put any music on their website. What's Important is what is done Specifically to Your Mixed CD.
Old 1st September 2007
  #26
Lives for gear
 
Kyle S's Avatar
 

i think we overloaded thier server. probably never had so many visitors at once.
Old 1st September 2007
  #27
Lives for gear
 
s.d.finley's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by ZEUSS View Post
Wow! Did Walters open up a school?
Whats all this walters stuff I see everywhere?
Old 1st September 2007
  #28
Lives for gear
 
Dave Peck's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by s.d.finley View Post
Whats all this walters stuff I see everywhere?
Over 1200 posts and you've never seen anything from Walters? Lucky dude.

Here ya go:

https://www.gearslutz.com/board/searc...archid=6233240

Enjoy.
Old 1st September 2007
  #29
Lives for gear
 
Empire Prod's Avatar
 

I bumped his "Spoof" thread in the Moan Zone
Old 1st September 2007
  #30
Lives for gear
 
vodka gimli's Avatar
 

Yikes!

Quote:
There are 4 Pyramids that make the Square Tools of Dynamics
Volume, Effects, Panning & Eqs. Each has Movement, Patterns & Individuals.

You can create Musical & Emotional dynamics by placing each instrument at different volume levels in the mix. Simply making a sound louder or softer effects how it is perceived. However, you create a much more intense dynamic when all of the volume controls create a pattern based on their collective placement. For example, if all of the volumes are set evenly, so that there is very little variations between the loudest & softest sounds, the mix will be quite different from one with a wide variation in volume levels. When you change the volume levels during a mix, it creates a level of dynamic that is often so strong that it draws the listener attention away from the song. Which could be cool if appropriate for the style of music and song.
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