thread: are you happy?
View Single Post
Old 4th September 2002
  #6
Gear Maniac
 
cram's Avatar
 

HmmmmAhhhhh...

Is being blissfully happy a good thing? Is it really what I want or need?

That said, I am VERY happy.

I'm at good point in my life, I'm at a good point in my marriage, my studio is doing well, I have interests other than music, I'm learning a new instrument, my job is cake, I just got a dog fer chrissake!

Here is the kicker, because I'm so happy, my creative juices are the consistency of tar. I have to fight tooth and nail to eke out anything musically worthwhile. It used to be a endless flow, now its a drizzle. A battery works on both positive and negative, and right now I've got an overabundance of positive. I hate to complain, how CAN I complain?

I find myself subconciously doing things to screw it up, just to have some friction. How psychotic is that? I used to head butt my way through problems with relish, but what do you do when you have licked all the problems?

To add to the confusion, I'm not bored. In fact, I'm busier than I've ever been in my entire life. I really enjoy this busy yet pastoral period that I'm in. But it is almost as if I feel guilty. I keep expecting somebody to show up and tell me its all been a big mistake and I've been living someone else's life. I worked my ass off to get where I am, and now that I'm here I don't know how to just...Be.