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Old 16th December 2002
Gear Maniac
RSMITH123's Avatar

yuktyyyuktyy OK, funny or not, here I come...again.yuktyyyuktyy

I am curious who this guy really is so I followed the source back to PSW and ran a search. It seems that it is totally a joke as the first post Jack posted and identified himself was under the handle "Tongo". Tongo did make previous posts and was pretty logical and serious. He must have devised the plan to birth jack into the audio scene, a BRILLIANT piece of work to me with a website and all.

I origninally thought this stuff certainly ranked high enough to start a new thread. But, as I previously promised Jules, I did NOT start a new BS thread. However, keep in mind that a little BS is good for the system. Heck, they even make coffee from the stuff in S. America.

Anyway, I took the time (yes, bored, I was) and collected all of Jack's wisdom and liked to die while doing so. You will "SEE and LEARN" why having him as a guest moderator is such a "gud" idea. So for your enjoyment... the collected wisdom of Jack Ortman, Audio God.

CAUTION: Before reading, put down the coffee and swallow! "Do not touch water while reading and don't drink!"

This is concentrated humor orginally created for small doses!!!


The Pod XT is the best guitar tone you get for money. It sounds much better than things like "vintage" or "fuzz". When I play Pod XT it makes my fingers sing! When I stop playing it has lots of natural hiss, JUST LIKE A REAL AMP! But it is better than a real amp because it has so much more TONE and makes cheaper guitars sound several hundred dollars more!

I bought 2 Pod XT, NOW I RUN STEREO!

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 years"


Many bad records are made with old gear like Neve and Telofunken, Almost all old vinyl albums made with old gear, listen to how dirty and scratchy they sound! Old mic pres are TOO OLD! For fresh tones you need to use fresh gear. I recomend DBX, they make the sound that pros use. LOOK AT THEIR ADS! VERY PRO!

I do not see any telefunken ads!
Crhistina Argrelerria would not use ancient stuff. HER MUSIC IS TOO Fresh!

Fletcher sells old gear, but do not expect to make today's hits with his deals. You need to get the latest "tube" sounds from DBX or Sure.

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"


This is a very good question. I will answer to the best of my abilities. AES is considered the best because it uses a forked connection, seperating hot from cold. Makes lots of cents. Many beginner boxes use SFIDS. BAD! The are the same as Radio Shack. I laugh at my friends who have Radio Shack stereos. Never put this in your studio, fidelity is very picky.

If you have to have SFIDS in studio, make sure to take cautions. Raise it up on a pillow or two. Never touch water while using. DO NOT EVEN DRINK! Then make sure gain is set to the best quality and use a ground lift. This should help you record like a PRO.

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"


Drums are very important in recording. Start with good microphones. I use the LEGENDARY SM-57 for all drums. Get the right microphones AND YOU WILL NOT NEEDE COMRESSION!

Never use old gear. Many old songs were on old radio, you want more bass for today's music. I always turn up bass for extra low. My friend Pete likes to say "MAKE IT FOOONKY!".


I am posting this for all who are new to audio. Many times I am asked question about how my studio is set up. Many do not know the steps to PRO. Here is some good advice for all.

-Always start with the song. Music is most important part. Everything should serve the song. Try to suspend chords until the end.
-for rock voice use very little chorus.
for rap voice use medium flange.
-for classical voice use no effects. Pretty easy to remeber since Bark did not have chorus in his day!
-for funk voice use light chorus and flange.
-mix the most important part of the song to be loudest. if you do not have a good band, turn the best person loudest. If you havea great band, turn everyone loud.
-connect gear by putting only cables that fit into the rite holes.
-if you do not know how to use EQs, DO NOT USE THEM! Use an extra pre-amp instead.
-always use gold on cables.
-pan guitar 1 to right, guitar 2 toleft, vocal to middle, bass kinda right, drums middle, high hats to the left, keyboards always sound best at 8 and 3 oclock. Tip-for Beetles sound, pan vocals to left.

Jimmy Hendrix used backwards effects, you can get them by learning the song backwards, then playing it forward.
Mixes should sound good in mono, listen to each speaker seperately. I usually have some veryfuzzy earmuffs to cover one ear. when ot sounds good i listen to the other speaker. Gives you SUPER SOUND STAGE!
16bi8t is lowest quality, 24bit is middle. Logic gives you 40 bits, both 16 and 24 at the same time. Highest quality, betterthan analog, with sweet saturations.
Close your eyes to mix. Keeps you from turing the same knobs. YOU WILL BE ORIGINAL!
People can not hear high end very well. Dogs can hear much higher. Keep this in mind when you mix with Portools HD.
John Lennon once said that recording is full of surprises and to record suprises too, so keep on your toes and maybe you will think of great tunes like Imagine.
Find inspiration in things. I once wrote a song about my coat. VERY COOL.

Follow this guide and your studio will start to sound more pro. Keep your fidelity good, and your music fresh.

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"


I am sorry if these tips do not help. BUT YOU MUST LEARN! To listen is the most important, if they do not help you know, they will make cents later.

Try to apply with your own music. SOON YOU WILL JAM! I promise, but at e start it is not easy. You must follow the steps and become great. Soon your friends will ask you too how you became so PRO.

Good luck and happy getting tones!!!


Always use lots of EQ. I start with 4, but if you are not familiar wih frequencies, try using 5 or 6. Sometimes your clients will want lots of bass. You can adjust the mix between low and treble by turning te knob to the rite side.

I always lik warmer EQ this is where you will get things to the maximum k. 900 is pretty low, considering HD will do up to 152. Too much compression will take away k. This is where you can spot the newest gear. things will be sounding as clean without buzzing or clipped bits.


On 22 Nov 2002 14:11 slipperman wrote:

On 22 Nov 2002 06:06 madmoose wrote:


Someone hand me the magic cereal box decoder ring. Either that or a buzzword dictionary and some Advil.

madmoose. I know you are confused. I too, feel your pain.

Jack-off-man is under the sadly mistaken impression he is a comedian.

He is, of course, only a zorch.

Other dimwits here on PSW RecPit will encourage his sad efforts.

They will be beaten.

Then killed.

By me.
No I think you the points. I am telling about good EQ. I do not wish to fight. I AM A LOVER.

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"


Ready to go after Thankgiving! Now I will get very advanced. THIS IS NOT FOR BEGINNERS! You must READ the first part to understand. One of the most important parts of audio is the tone. Here I will tell you how to get the most hi end. Without wasting money.

Read manuels. Pay attention to the settings thhey show. Many PRO experts take time to make these settings. DBX compressors will show you the best ways to use them. Because people oftten forget manuels, use a pen to mak on the gear. Now you will always have good VOCALS!

Be carefuul with old tubbes. They get very hot and make everything warm. Do not set your nice GIBSON guitar next to tubes, THEY WILL MELT THE PAINT! You can not record while you are being burnt, so make sure not to get to warm on gear.

Even the most beginner knows that sound are the most important part of recording. I always use BBE to make music more exciting. Use extra BBE for hot solos!

Intermediate Tips
1. Logiic had Delay Compression, use this to sound better than analog. Delay will be more in the mixes.
2. Make it FONKY! Your friends will always like it with more bass.
3.Hi end is best, but too much hi end is bad. Make sure not to hurt yours with hi end. NOT ONLY PEOPLE EARS! So maybe time for more of the bass.
4. Digital is abhout the bits. One time i talked with an expert on digital. He said to always get the most bits to tape. You can compress for more, then add some.
5.Always master your music. Masters add the PRO sound to your mix. Make sure not to use EQ before you have the master do it. Even if you have a small budjet, ALWAYS GET MORE HI END!


Many times I wish for gear that doesn't exist . I'm hoping for 1 or 2 boxes that do evertything. Would be nice to have stereo rackmount microphone and pres. Then add the EQ, stand at box and sign! NO MORE STANDS! Push amp in front of rackmount and record. Add a remote control, so you never need to turn knobs, put in a nice box and sell!