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Old 2nd January 2020
Lives for gear

Originally Posted by I. E. View Post
Thank you for all your responses. I'm going to bite the bullet and post the demo here. I think that listening to it will better demonstrate how serious the problem is. So here is the last chorus and outro.

Feel free to rip it apart in whatever aspect you please... I'm dying for constructive criticism.
I like it. Immediate response was that it felt like a intro/false half chorus.
This may seem an odd song to reference but the Beatles Help has a short intro which isn't repeated. Same chords as chorus but condensed with different a melody.
So with that in mind, I would try using the first 16 secs as an intro. Then experiment with longer chord intervals in the new chorus and see if a new/similar melody comes up, utilising the 'throw it all away" line.
Failing that, the main vocal line you have now in the chorus, could be treated as backing vocals. Then try out a new main melody that works with it.