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Old 2nd January 2020
Originally Posted by I. E. View Post
Thank you for all your responses. I'm going to bite the bullet and post the demo here. I think that listening to it will better demonstrate how serious the problem is. So here is the last chorus and outro.

Feel free to rip it apart in whatever aspect you please... I'm dying for constructive criticism.
You're probably going to be frustrated by my response but... to be bluntly honest... I kinda like this track (above). I kinda really like it.

Now -- that said -- I couldn't make out any of the lyrics except for the 'throw it all away' refrain (or call and response or whatever one would want to call it).

But that highlights a kind of paradox, sometimes the least specific lyric is the most universal. Burned by too many years of A-T, I almost tuned out when I heard the heavy processing on the vocal, but, dang it, that airily delivered refrain kinda drew me in. Draw this out a few minutes without getting too repetitive (the refrain is candy, you don't want to eat too much candy in one sitting) and keep it vague, and I think you got something.

Of course, that doesn't really address the broader problem you feel you're facing. You can't bury ALL the lyrics ALL the time. (Well, you can, actually, I can think of a few 4AD bands from the 80s that went a ways in that direction and did OK.)

You might well find a peer critique/workshop type situation (3DW or online) helpful -- but you can also 'self-mentor,' too. You have the advantage that you know you have some general issues you feel you need to work on.

Here's my general advice (and reflects my earlier comment): Write a lot. Write all the time. A lot of it is NOT going to be any good. Some may be worth refining, working with a bit, but if you're at the start of your 'serious' lyric writing, keep blasting forward. (And by 'serious,' I don't necessarily mean going all T.S. Eliot on things, I just mean you getting serious about writing, even if it's 'silly love songs.' Hell, Eliot's biggest 'hit' ended up a FLW musical. )

The more you write, the more you turn the best of it into songs, the more adept you'll become at writing and the better they'll get. Take delight in the small improvements, pat yourself on the back. Be a little proud. But keep writing!