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Old 25th September 2018
Deleted 7f9cade
Originally Posted by ionian View Post
To date the absolute weirdest thing I ever had to record was the audio for a young woman who specialized in queefing on demand back in like 2011. Apparently this woman was able to control the pitch and rhythm of her queefs and carved out a career for herself queefing classical music.

According to her, she performed at extremely exclusive clubs in both London and NYC for the celebrity and ultra rich crowd. She told me that the cover at these clubs was $5,000 just to enter so it restricted it to celebrities, mostly who wanted to feel like somehow they lived this decadent, rich life. She had told me that she regularly had performed for Jon BonJovi, Madonna, Sting, etc. who attended the NYC club, as well as multiple times for Prince Harry who apparently was a very common sight at the London one. She told me that when BonJovi was there, it was his birthday and she had queefed "Happy Birthday" for him from the stage. But hey, if Madonna wants to drop $5 g's just to watch a chick pu**y fart "The Blue Danube" so she can feel like she's elite, then she can have it. But yeah, this strange talent led to a very lucrative career for her being ferried back and forth to NYC and London to perform for her exclusive audience.

This was to be part of some kind of reel for her exclusive clients or something like that so there was a video crew and I had been recommended as someone who was pretty discreet about these things and would take it seriously. They had a location for the shoot, and a video crew. I basically used an SM57 on a guitar amp height boom stand aimed within inches of her crotch. I found a good trade off between proximity effect, and popping and the sound, because shooting gusts of air at the mic was something I was worried about but I couldn't use a pop filter because I couldn't obscure the view of her, um, womanhood for the camera. Also I placed the mic slightly off axis, mostly to help with the view for the camera rather than the sound.

The set consisted of some pretty nice backdrop pieces, and a fancy apple crate in the middle. She came out, completely nude except for a tuxedo jacket with tails and a white Mozart-style wig, sat on the apple crate, opened her knees 180 degrees and proceeded to whistle dixie. To date, still one of the most surreal things I've seen.

She seemed to be extremely comfortable with the whole thing - which I guess if she was doing it for a living, she must be. She was nice enough to soundcheck when I was setting up the mic and on top of that she "prepared" right in front of me like she was brushing her hair. She prepared by filling herself with copious amounts of lubricant as it "helped with the resonance" were her exact words (another worry of mine, was that the mic would get covered in spitting lube).

Overall the whole session went off without a hitch. She was very pleasant to work with and she paid extremely well. On top of that she took some breaks during filming to argue with a real estate agent about a house she had just bought and hired contractors for so she could flip, and some person about a liquor license for a nightclub she was opening so I had absolutely no doubt that she wasn't exaggerating when she told me about how well this line of work paid.

I asked her at some point, "How does one even know they have this talent?" she told me that she worked as a dancer for a long time and had a booking agent. She said her booking agent called her and said that there was a good gig available for someone who could "queef on demand" and asked her if she could do it. She said the tried right there on the phone, turned she could because she had such amazing muscle tone and control over her muscles, and told the booking agent she'd take the gig. And that's how it all started for her.

I know it sounds like I'm trolling or taking the p!ss, but the above is all truth.

edit: In case you're wondering, yes, I still have the mic. It's been sitting in a ziplock bag since the session. Once the session was over I wasn't sure how to even go about cleaning the mic to make it sanitary for any kind of human use so I just dropped it in a ziplock bag and sealed it and it's been there ever since. Now I'm at the point where I'm afraid to open the bag! But for what she paid me for the session I could have easily bought 12 more SM57s so it really didn't bother me to sacrifice one for the recording session.

No way man. No way? Please post some clips.