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Old 24th June 2015
  #14
Gear Nut
 
RobbyPowell's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by JahRastafariMMA View Post
What about naming the one thing that he did give you, in regards to music.
Did he have a favorite band? A type of music? Do u remember listening to it?

We could go on forever naming the things someone "didn't do", or we can focus on what did happen.
You just said he was musical in this post, so why not add that idea to the lyrics?

Because in your lyrics, you are reducing music to "guitar lessons". Music is so much more, and it SHOULD be much more!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kevin_B View Post
I like it. Even without prefacing the lyrics with your story, the feeling and story came across clearly. At least, I felt something reading it and that's worth something.

I wouldn't have been able to tell that you weren't a native english speaker if you hadn't told me. If I really held the lyrics under a microscope, my only critiques would be:



Nothing is wrong with the grammar, but the Pain / Rain rhyme is so "easy" that I saw it coming before the second line even started. Maybe it'll work in the song, it just makes me pause to use that rhyme because it's cliche -- especially since that's your only use of that imagery/metaphor.



The chorus reads kind of wordy, but that can be fine as long as it's delivered well, musically. I really like the catch/title line. It hits home and conveys the emotion well. It reminds me a bit of Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Simple Man," in a good way. With good musical delivery, that line is what'll give people goosebumps.



This is really the only line I didn't get. What did you mean by "I couldn't feel?" Do you mean an emotionally numb feeling (that is, feeling of apathy)? Are you alluding to a specific time/event in your life? To the listener, it just seems a little vague.

However, unlike my Rastafarian friend, I liked the guitar reference. Even if there are no hard feelings, it's natural to regret bonding experiences you didn't get to share with your father. I think it was clear what you meant by that line and I don't think there's anything wrong with wondering over "what could have been."


Here's a new version of the lyrics with a new chorus that I think is a lot better and a new third verse that is less metaphorical!

Verse
I was twenty years old when I lost you
the father that I barely knew.
You had twenty years to ease my pain
yet here I am alone again

I cried myself to sleep that night
unsure if what I felt was right,
but no matter what I say or do,
I’m a man but not because of you.

Chorus
We didn’t get to have the talk, about girls and how to love
those moments with a father are the ones I’m thinking of.
From a boy raised by his mother to a man made out of hope -
I’m a son you’d be proud of.

Verse
When my first love broke my heart in two,
where were you to help me through?
”Hey son don’t worry, she’ll come again
I’ve been there and I feel your pain"

Chorus
We didn’t get to have the talk, about girls and how to love
those moments with a father are the ones I’m thinking of.
From a boy raised by his mother to a man made out of hope,
I’m a son you’d be proud of.