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Old 21st June 2015
  #12
Lives for gear
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by RobbyPowell View Post
Hey guys, I would appreciate some feedback on this! I lost my father when I was twenty, didn't know him that well and I saw him maybe once a year. I never thought of writing a song about it, but I did and these words just came out in like 30 minutes.

English is not my native tongue so grammatical comments are also welcome!

Thanks guys!

/Robby



Verse
I was twenty years old when I lost you
the father that I barely knew.
You had twenty years to ease my pain
yet here I’m all alone in the rain

I cried myself to sleep that night
unsure if what I felt was right,
but no matter what I say or do,
I’m a man but not because of you.

Chorus
We didn’t get to have the talk, about girls and how to love
how to drive and play guitar, and have a beer just man to man,
but I figured it out my own way, and I’m a son you’d be proud of.

Verse
You should’ve been there when I was in need
when I lost my heart and when I couldn’t feel.
And there where times when I just didn't care
as I threw my cap high up in the air.

Chorus
We didn’t get to have the talk, about girls and how to love
how to drive and play guitar, and have a beer just man to man.

You never got to share your secrets, passed down from your father,
watch me run it to the end zone and and dress up for the prom,
but no matter what you did, I’m a son you'd be proud of.

Ok. I'm not going to criticize any specific part. More the overall tack you've taken. For me it seems you're "telling" a lot. It wears on the listener and frankly, being told everything gets boring after a while. Also when in "tell" mode the burden and onus is on you to fully develop what you're telling. In the form you have here, there's not really enough room to do that effectively.

I think the right thing to do here would be to question rather than tell. More artistic license with questions. More room to maneuver. It's ok to leave some things open-ended. And it would evoke more effectively. You can get more truth and feeling in a question than probably any other way of writing.

Best of luck.