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Jack Ortman... our next guest moderator? Effects Pedals, Units & Accessories
Old 12th December 2002
  #1
Gear maniac
 
RSMITH123's Avatar
 

Thread Starter
Question Jack Ortman... our next guest moderator?

OK. Jules, please, please, please. Drop him a line! My side is splitting just thinking about it.

Fletcher. It's all your fault and God bless you!

After reading Jack's flawless review and shootout on the UAD-1 vs Bomb Factory, I wrote him a letter:

____________________________________________________
Hi Jack,
I read your review of the UAD-1 vs Bomb Factory. Wow, you are smart. I just got my UAD-1 and wanted to know what grit sand paper you would recommend to use for fitting it. Also, you are SO right about how good it is. I only have it halfway in and can already tell how good it is going to be. My CD's already are much better.

Anyway, let me know what grit you recommend and thanks for sharing your knowledge!
Sincerely
Robert
____________________________________________________


I will post his response when he answers!
Old 12th December 2002
  #2
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Thread Starter
Old 13th December 2002
  #3
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Old 13th December 2002
  #4
Lives for gear
 
e-cue's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally posted by mdbeh
And, of course, nothing against PSW, I like it, but ya know what I mean...
I'm totally with you.
Old 13th December 2002
  #5
Lives for gear
 
Knox's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally posted by e-cue
I'm totally with you.
I'm with you too!
Old 13th December 2002
  #6
Lives for gear
 
Mike Jasper's Avatar
You know who I would like to see as a guest moderator? Jules aka Julian Standen.

I've got just a ton of questions for that boy. And even though he runs the joint and moderates forums under specific topics, I'd still like to have 30 days to find out how Jules does his thing. That would grab my attention.

I'm still pissed that I missed Dave Martin's and Alphajerk's stints as guest moderators.

Can I get a witness?

Jasper
Old 13th December 2002
  #7
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Remoteness's Avatar
You're preaching to the choir.
Old 13th December 2002
  #8
Lives for gear
 
C.Lambrechts's Avatar
 

oh boy..... do you think J.O. feels sorry for all of us ?
Old 13th December 2002
  #9
Lives for gear
 
Mike Jasper's Avatar
Remoteness writes:

Quote:
You're preaching to the choir.
I would hope so. But the exception would be Jules himself. He's got a modest streak. Who the hell has a modest streak in the music biz? Go figure.

Jasper
Old 13th December 2002
  #10
Gear interested
 
Ohso's Avatar
 

Slipperman is God....No, StudioJimi is..er
Old 13th December 2002
  #11
Re: Jack Ortman... our next guest moderator?

Quote:
Originally posted by RSMITH123
OK. Jules, please, please, please. Drop him a line! My side is splitting just thinking about it.
Of course in order for things to be funny.......they actually have to be funny!
My friend bought a million dollar house and found dead cats in it....
Dogs are a good judge of high end eq.......
My sides are splitting just thinking about it. Get back to High School.
Old 13th December 2002
  #12
Lives for gear
 
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Maybe J.O. is realy M.M. .....
Old 13th December 2002
  #13
Re: Re: Re: Jack Ortman... our next guest moderator?

Quote:
Originally posted by slipperman

That boat has sailed.

Are you on it?

No, I'm checking the passenger manifest right now.....

I think you've been left ashore.

SM.
The Ego has landed.
Old 13th December 2002
  #14
Lives for gear
 
Knox's Avatar
 

why don't we pass the Jack Ortman bull**** to the other place?
Old 13th December 2002
  #15
Gear maniac
 
RSMITH123's Avatar
 

Thread Starter
Well,
I couldn't resist pushing Jack a little with an email in efforts to reveal his secret identity (Fletcher?). This is funny looking from my PC. Sorry if it doesn't come across your screen that way.


Jules,
I won't begin another BS thread as I do appreciate the big differrences here. PSW/GS

Back into the shadows...
Old 16th December 2002
  #16
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Thread Starter
yuktyyyuktyy OK, funny or not, here I come...again.yuktyyyuktyy

I am curious who this guy really is so I followed the source back to PSW and ran a search. It seems that it is totally a joke as the first post Jack posted and identified himself was under the handle "Tongo". Tongo did make previous posts and was pretty logical and serious. He must have devised the plan to birth jack into the audio scene, a BRILLIANT piece of work to me with a website and all.

I origninally thought this stuff certainly ranked high enough to start a new thread. But, as I previously promised Jules, I did NOT start a new BS thread. However, keep in mind that a little BS is good for the system. Heck, they even make coffee from the stuff in S. America.

Anyway, I took the time (yes, bored, I was) and collected all of Jack's wisdom and liked to die while doing so. You will "SEE and LEARN" why having him as a guest moderator is such a "gud" idea. So for your enjoyment... the collected wisdom of Jack Ortman, Audio God.


CAUTION: Before reading, put down the coffee and swallow! "Do not touch water while reading and don't drink!"

This is concentrated humor orginally created for small doses!!!


____________________



The Pod XT is the best guitar tone you get for money. It sounds much better than things like "vintage" or "fuzz". When I play Pod XT it makes my fingers sing! When I stop playing it has lots of natural hiss, JUST LIKE A REAL AMP! But it is better than a real amp because it has so much more TONE and makes cheaper guitars sound several hundred dollars more!

I bought 2 Pod XT, NOW I RUN STEREO!

--
Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 years"

http://www.geocities.com/jackortmanaudio


____________________



Many bad records are made with old gear like Neve and Telofunken, Almost all old vinyl albums made with old gear, listen to how dirty and scratchy they sound! Old mic pres are TOO OLD! For fresh tones you need to use fresh gear. I recomend DBX, they make the sound that pros use. LOOK AT THEIR ADS! VERY PRO!

I do not see any telefunken ads!
Crhistina Argrelerria would not use ancient stuff. HER MUSIC IS TOO Fresh!

Fletcher sells old gear, but do not expect to make today's hits with his deals. You need to get the latest "tube" sounds from DBX or Sure.

Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"

http://www.geocities.com/jackortmanaudio


____________________



This is a very good question. I will answer to the best of my abilities. AES is considered the best because it uses a forked connection, seperating hot from cold. Makes lots of cents. Many beginner boxes use SFIDS. BAD! The are the same as Radio Shack. I laugh at my friends who have Radio Shack stereos. Never put this in your studio, fidelity is very picky.

If you have to have SFIDS in studio, make sure to take cautions. Raise it up on a pillow or two. Never touch water while using. DO NOT EVEN DRINK! Then make sure gain is set to the best quality and use a ground lift. This should help you record like a PRO.

-
Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"

http://www.geocities.com/jackortmanaudio

____________________



Drums are very important in recording. Start with good microphones. I use the LEGENDARY SM-57 for all drums. Get the right microphones AND YOU WILL NOT NEEDE COMRESSION!

Never use old gear. Many old songs were on old radio, you want more bass for today's music. I always turn up bass for extra low. My friend Pete likes to say "MAKE IT FOOONKY!".

____________________



I am posting this for all who are new to audio. Many times I am asked question about how my studio is set up. Many do not know the steps to PRO. Here is some good advice for all.

-Always start with the song. Music is most important part. Everything should serve the song. Try to suspend chords until the end.
-for rock voice use very little chorus.
for rap voice use medium flange.
-for classical voice use no effects. Pretty easy to remeber since Bark did not have chorus in his day!
-for funk voice use light chorus and flange.
-mix the most important part of the song to be loudest. if you do not have a good band, turn the best person loudest. If you havea great band, turn everyone loud.
-connect gear by putting only cables that fit into the rite holes.
-if you do not know how to use EQs, DO NOT USE THEM! Use an extra pre-amp instead.
-always use gold on cables.
-pan guitar 1 to right, guitar 2 toleft, vocal to middle, bass kinda right, drums middle, high hats to the left, keyboards always sound best at 8 and 3 oclock. Tip-for Beetles sound, pan vocals to left.

ADVANCED TIPS
Jimmy Hendrix used backwards effects, you can get them by learning the song backwards, then playing it forward.
Mixes should sound good in mono, listen to each speaker seperately. I usually have some veryfuzzy earmuffs to cover one ear. when ot sounds good i listen to the other speaker. Gives you SUPER SOUND STAGE!
16bi8t is lowest quality, 24bit is middle. Logic gives you 40 bits, both 16 and 24 at the same time. Highest quality, betterthan analog, with sweet saturations.
Close your eyes to mix. Keeps you from turing the same knobs. YOU WILL BE ORIGINAL!
People can not hear high end very well. Dogs can hear much higher. Keep this in mind when you mix with Portools HD.
John Lennon once said that recording is full of surprises and to record suprises too, so keep on your toes and maybe you will think of great tunes like Imagine.
Find inspiration in things. I once wrote a song about my coat. VERY COOL.

Follow this guide and your studio will start to sound more pro. Keep your fidelity good, and your music fresh.


Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"

http://www.geocities.com/jackortmanaudio


____________________



I am sorry if these tips do not help. BUT YOU MUST LEARN! To listen is the most important, if they do not help you know, they will make cents later.

Try to apply with your own music. SOON YOU WILL JAM! I promise, but at e start it is not easy. You must follow the steps and become great. Soon your friends will ask you too how you became so PRO.

Good luck and happy getting tones!!!

____________________



Always use lots of EQ. I start with 4, but if you are not familiar wih frequencies, try using 5 or 6. Sometimes your clients will want lots of bass. You can adjust the mix between low and treble by turning te knob to the rite side.

I always lik warmer EQ this is where you will get things to the maximum k. 900 is pretty low, considering HD will do up to 152. Too much compression will take away k. This is where you can spot the newest gear. things will be sounding as clean without buzzing or clipped bits.

____________________




On 22 Nov 2002 14:11 slipperman wrote:

[quote]
On 22 Nov 2002 06:06 madmoose wrote:

Quote:

Someone hand me the magic cereal box decoder ring. Either that or a buzzword dictionary and some Advil.

madmoose. I know you are confused. I too, feel your pain.

Jack-off-man is under the sadly mistaken impression he is a comedian.

He is, of course, only a zorch.

Other dimwits here on PSW RecPit will encourage his sad efforts.

They will be beaten.

Then killed.

By me.
No I think you the points. I am telling about good EQ. I do not wish to fight. I AM A LOVER.


Jack Ortman
"Serving Audio Professionals for 15 Years"

http://www.geocities.com/jackortmanaudio


____________________




Ready to go after Thankgiving! Now I will get very advanced. THIS IS NOT FOR BEGINNERS! You must READ the first part to understand. One of the most important parts of audio is the tone. Here I will tell you how to get the most hi end. Without wasting money.

Read manuels. Pay attention to the settings thhey show. Many PRO experts take time to make these settings. DBX compressors will show you the best ways to use them. Because people oftten forget manuels, use a pen to mak on the gear. Now you will always have good VOCALS!

Be carefuul with old tubbes. They get very hot and make everything warm. Do not set your nice GIBSON guitar next to tubes, THEY WILL MELT THE PAINT! You can not record while you are being burnt, so make sure not to get to warm on gear.

Even the most beginner knows that sound are the most important part of recording. I always use BBE to make music more exciting. Use extra BBE for hot solos!

Intermediate Tips
1. Logiic had Delay Compression, use this to sound better than analog. Delay will be more in the mixes.
2. Make it FONKY! Your friends will always like it with more bass.
3.Hi end is best, but too much hi end is bad. Make sure not to hurt yours with hi end. NOT ONLY PEOPLE EARS! So maybe time for more of the bass.
4. Digital is abhout the bits. One time i talked with an expert on digital. He said to always get the most bits to tape. You can compress for more, then add some.
5.Always master your music. Masters add the PRO sound to your mix. Make sure not to use EQ before you have the master do it. Even if you have a small budjet, ALWAYS GET MORE HI END!


____________________




Many times I wish for gear that doesn't exist . I'm hoping for 1 or 2 boxes that do evertything. Would be nice to have stereo rackmount microphone and pres. Then add the EQ, stand at box and sign! NO MORE STANDS! Push amp in front of rackmount and record. Add a remote control, so you never need to turn knobs, put in a nice box and sell!
Old 17th December 2002
  #17
"Close your eyes to mix. Keeps you from turing the same knobs. YOU WILL BE ORIGINAL! "

Thats my favorite!

heh
Old 17th December 2002
  #18
Gear Head
 
Jay Doucet's Avatar
 

Laughing my ass off! Jack Ortman

Ok guys.. I just finished a long vocal overdub session with a (let's call him a vocally challenged client) who kept me working on two songs all day loooooong. This guy was so bad, my Antares plugin said "**** this" and politely crashed protools. (End of Session for me)

After getting home and feeling quite depressed over my miserable day, I happened to read the gearslutz posts about Jack Ortman.. oooook

Is this guy ****ing real? I laughed my ass off. Jack Rules! Im hoping Jack replies to your email. His reviews on sandpaper and "plugs" really did it for me.
Old 17th December 2002
  #19
Gear Head
 

Robinhood was here
Old 17th December 2002
  #20
There is only one
 
alphajerk's Avatar
 

Re: Laughing my ass off! Jack Ortman

Quote:
Originally posted by Jay Doucet
Ok guys.. I just finished a long vocal overdub session with a (let's call him a vocally challenged client) who kept me working on two songs all day loooooong. This guy was so bad, my Antares plugin said "**** this" and politely crashed protools. (End of Session for me)
lordy... that is funny as hell.
Old 17th December 2002
  #21
Re: Re: Laughing my ass off! Jack Ortman

Quote:
Originally posted by alphajerk
lordy... that is funny as hell.
"10-4 rubber duck"
Oh god, I'm starting to sound like Ortman.....
as in not funny.
Old 17th December 2002
  #22
Gear maniac
 
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Thread Starter
My fav so far has to be the description of the differences between digital connections or the suggestion for a "RACK MOUNT" stereo/microphone/preamp with a remote control.

The truth is that some of the funniest stuff is what people wrote back as this unfolded in real time for them.
Old 17th December 2002
  #23
Gear Head
 
Jay Doucet's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally posted by RSMITH123
My fav so far has to be the description of the differences between digital connections or the suggestion for a "RACK MOUNT" stereo/microphone/preamp with a remote control.

The truth is that some of the funniest stuff is what people wrote back as this unfolded in real time for them.

You are totally right.. I came back here to "slutz R Us", to see if Jack had posted anything, so I could show my assistant.
I thought Jack may have some insight on
my Antares/Terrible Singer /Client /Syndrome
Im dealing with again today.. Oh well, my
clients here. Fun Fun Fun..
Old 17th December 2002
  #24
Gear maniac
 
RSMITH123's Avatar
 

Thread Starter
Well, Jack left Fletcher a "present" on his home forum. I thought I would share the wealth......

I quote - "Mary Christmas!

Today I will offer you holiday gifts for others and yourself. Many of the best things about studios are the speakers. I sell many high end speakers to PRO experts all over the Bay Area. Thhese are my top sellers! My friend Pete calls me the SUPER MIXERMAN. I even have a special T-shirt. I will be the PRO Santa for you! Ho ho

You must hear the differnce between good speakers, always buy JBL. They make the best tone for rock, jazz and classic. DO NOT BUY LO END OR OLD! They will not have the hi end and might hurt you and your dog's ears. I tried very bad speakers once, they made the dog next door bark too much.

Always buy speakers in sets of 2. This way you can hear both left and right sides and not be stuck in mono. When I record for bands they love to hear everything in "both sides". Some band like the tone very loud on the left. I have the sound to get them rock to the max. Look for markings and them plug them in, then turn the knob to 5 and listen. Then turn to 8 and listen, then turn to 3. NNever stop listening to the speakers!

For super lo end. I like the Subwoofs. These make it FONKY! This is the good kind of low end. DO NOT GET CONFUSED! Low end speakers arf going to make the bass better adn bring peeps to your studio. Peeps means people. Once I thought it meant birds!

DO not get low end. Many studio do not use good speakers with covers. Pro speakers need to have protection. Only cheap speakers have no covers, they do not care if they break! Metal covers are the best, do not use Radio Shack thin covers.

Make sure to put out the cookies and Santa will leave you nice gear!" - END QUOTE FROM JACK ORTMAN.





Jules - This Man has got to get his own forum as a novelty, even if as a guest for a month. PLEASE!

Make it a locked thread where he can post weekly or weakly... I dunno...heh
Old 17th December 2002
  #25
Quote:
Originally posted by RSMITH123

Always buy speakers in sets of 2. This way you can hear both left and right sides and not be stuck in mono. When I record for bands they love to hear everything in "both sides".
Oh for f**k's sake!
Unfortunately you can't buy a comedic brain.
Please give this guy his own forum.
Maybe you could call it 'High School Audio' (OSA...geddit, nudge, wink).
OK, well at least I don't think I'm funny.
Old 17th December 2002
  #26
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The Ortman parody is pretty funny. It pokes fun at gear snobs, retailers diguised as run of the mill audio freaks, and, of course, newbies--who, I suppose justly, are the butt of most of the jokes. But it's the variety that makes it funny. I don't think anyone is safe from its satire.... although I do think lots of folks assume the joke is at someone else's expense, but there is the genius of Ortman--the joke is on them.

It's all funny because there isn't a standard vocabulary of sound. It's also funny because, the net being what it currently is, anyone can be anyone else (even Jack Ortman). The web is the great leveler. But this is where Ortman's slight reactionary streak raises its ugly head, his one trait that is, to this reader, not quite so funny.

In other words, audio forums are bound to be exercises in miscommunication. A successful thread always ends in the following manner: it depends on the room, the player, and what you are trying to do--i.e. I can't hear what you are trying to say (and don't try posting an MP3 because the crappy compression will be like reading Shakespeare in Hungarian).

And yet people keep posting and posting new questions, new topics, new forums....
Old 17th December 2002
  #27
Gear maniac
 
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Thread Starter
ummm... huh?
Old 17th December 2002
  #28
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Quote:
In other words, audio forums are bound to be exercises in miscommunication.
Quote:
ummm... huh?
Now, if I could see the body language I would understand if you were being serious or ironic.
Old 18th December 2002
  #29
Gear maniac
 
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Thread Starter
I was actually serious, sorry. I understood what it was that you said but didn't get the point, although I am a little slow time tymes.
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