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-   -   Why can't my friends be happy about my success? (https://www.gearslutz.com/board/the-moan-zone/1254982-why-cant-my-friends-happy-about-my-success.html)

Dysanfel 16th March 2019 05:09 AM

Why can't my friends be happy about my success?
 
Does anyone else have a friend that they can't tell anything about any success you have in music because they immediately go negative on you? How do you deal with it? This is especially hard with childhood musician friends. I feel as though I have to censor my entire career from them and listen and encourage their music and experiences, but I can never share anything I do with them. Outside this topic we are best of friends.

Any advice?

Synth Guru 16th March 2019 12:47 PM

It's a type of jealousy. You see it in the military quite often when one in a group of friends gets advanced or promoted. Human nature, that's all.

I would just ignore it, if your friend/friends can't get over it, just move on.

horseface 17th March 2019 03:31 PM

Because:


NathanEldred 17th March 2019 04:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by horseface (Post 13870167)
Because:


Haha I was going to post that!!

FreshProduce 18th March 2019 03:13 PM

We must close doors to toxic relationships to open doors to healthy ones.

Unless, of course you wanna keep sh*tty company for the rest of your life

AfterViewer 18th March 2019 10:44 PM

:deth:yingyang:deth: If you are truly experiencing some success in the music business and there is some financial gain to show then you should take your friends out to dinners and lunchies and 2nd breakfast's to show in advance that you will not be turning into an insufferable dik. heh, that way they will believe you if you decide to give up your day job. Maybe they will trust that you are on to something and not just blowing smoke-rings. Works for me. Make that success walk the walk for those who are close to you. Never pretend that friends need you more than you need them.

cavern 19th March 2019 05:16 PM

I have the same issue with my business. I make 3 times what most of my friends make and they don't want to hear about it so I just don't talk about it.
Its made me a better listener.

AfterViewer 19th March 2019 10:39 PM

:deth:yingyang:deth: " Hey guys, you wouldn't believe how successful I've been lately! Guys? ........... where did they go? (probably out to lunch somewhere to relax and talk about things in common over a beer).

FreshProduce 20th March 2019 02:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AfterViewer (Post 13875648)
:deth:yingyang:deth: " Hey guys, you wouldn't believe how successful I've been lately! Guys? ........... where did they go? (probably out to lunch somewhere to relax and talk about things in common over a beer).

I seriously doubt that was his approach in conversation. Life-long friends are there for you to share your ups and downs with. If he can't talk to his friends about a session he recorded with some dope artists, that ultimately lead to an amazing album (or what ever else his definition of 'success' may be).. then those people just aren't his 'roots'.

Friends are like parts of a tree. We've got our 'leaves'. They stay around for a bit but then they're gone forever. Then there's the 'branches'. They stick around much longer than leaves; but eventually they too, disappear. Then you have 'roots'. These are the people who are down w/ you from day one. They're not going anywhere.

I don't know these people. I can't say much being that I never witnessed any exchanges of conversation.

AfterViewer 20th March 2019 08:00 AM

:deth:yingyang:deth: I can respect what you're saying and what the OP related also. The seemingly common situation where "friends" are left behind, so to speak seems a bit more complex than jealous behavior as a response to one advancing in a profession. I'm not faced with that situation but another poster mentioned just accepting the situation and not conversing about his work. That would be a fairly easy solution, perhaps. Movies have been made that address this dilemma.Weighing in at this corner we have "Success". ..... and weighing in at this corner we have "Friends". heh, disposable friends.

FreshProduce 20th March 2019 08:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AfterViewer (Post 13876192)
Weighing in at this corner we have "Success". ..... and weighing in at this corner we have "Friends". heh, disposable friends.

What if someones definition of 'success' was 'having friends in your corner'?

AfterViewer 20th March 2019 08:36 AM

:deth:kfhkh:deth: That works!

Delmarva 7th April 2019 09:26 PM

maybe its time to make new friends bumpkin

audiospecific 9th April 2019 04:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dysanfel (Post 13867681)
Does anyone else have a friend that they can't tell anything about any success you have in music because they immediately go negative on you? How do you deal with it? This is especially hard with childhood musician friends. I feel as though I have to censor my entire career from them and listen and encourage their music and experiences, but I can never share anything I do with them. Outside this topic we are best of friends.

Any advice?

Sounds like to me they are loosers, and you need to find better people to hang around.

Reverb 9th April 2019 06:39 PM

If you are genuinely more talented and successful than them, then I would suggest keeping a low profile on that subject. It's like the pretty skinny girl talking about how great her fitness routine is going to her overweight friend - it's a bad subject to focus on - you're just making all of their insecurities flare up.

Find other people to share those exact experiences with - your old friends, whether you like it or not, are going to feel much more competitive in relation to you than anyone else, especially if your progress is disproportionate. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their own insecurities - your success is their failure.

Deleted ae681af 20th April 2019 10:57 PM

Friendships are like roads. Some lead to nowhere. Where we’re going we don’t need roads.

jk...but Seriously if you’re that concerned about having friends around then I’m sure you’re capable of making better, more successful ones that will inspire you to be the best you can be in this short life.

May I ask how old you are? Not to be insensitive... maybe it’s easier for me as I am an introvert and as I age I become even more of one.

And personally I think that there are enough distractions in this world...and worrying about the opinions of others and the negative energy they may bring is counterproductive. How can you create from this negative state?

Guard your energy. Family and friends can be your downfall when your goal is to GROW. It’s only human nature. But that doesn’t mean you must tolerate it.

pencilextremist 21st April 2019 03:45 PM

bad friends especially narcissists are like cancer, you've got to cut them out of your life, they'll destroy you, I enjoy saying goodbye to bad people if they aren't right for me thesedays.

Dysanfel 5th May 2019 07:15 AM

Wow, some great perspectives here. It is a shame that this is my best friend since childhood and every topic is fair game, but when I talk about my musical success he just ****s all over me. If the roles were reversed I would be cheering him on!

As of now I just keep the conversation absent of music. But I feel that a major part of my life is off limits, so I end up placating his life and his successes. I love the guy, and I can never just not be his friend. However, I think I must bound the debate and praise his music, his success in life, his family, his newest guitar and gear; but, never speak of anything I do.

I guess I just need to be the better person since I love the him and his family. But, that does not mean I have to subject myself to this regularly.

Moonwhistle 5th May 2019 09:20 AM

That's life but maybe you should give thought to the idea that you may be annoying him.

It's jealousy or bitterness even if there isn't much to be jealous of. Stay friends, it's worth it.

pencilextremist 5th May 2019 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dysanfel (Post 13963123)
Wow, some great perspectives here. It is a shame that this is my best friend since childhood and every topic is fair game, but when I talk about my musical success he just ****s all over me. If the roles were reversed I would be cheering him on!

As of now I just keep the conversation absent of music. But I feel that a major part of my life is off limits, so I end up placating his life and his successes. I love the guy, and I can never just not be his friend. However, I think I must bound the debate and praise his music, his success in life, his family, his newest guitar and gear; but, never speak of anything I do.

I guess I just need to be the better person since I love the him and his family. But, that does not mean I have to subject myself to this regularly.

my own father is like this towards me, he hates my success and compares himself to me, and acts out to other people as though I learnt everything from him, when in fact I learnt most of what I know from private tutors and studying my arse off, it was nothing to do with him, he's a weekend warrior who thinks he's a pro musician, I am an actual pro musician, staying in a relationship with people like this is very bad for your mental health, I was suicidal, you need to get out of it as soon as possible, he's showing signs of being a narcissist, it's called gaslighting, they do it regularly, I had to grow up with it daily, 7 days a week, it will destroy you if you don't end the relationship, they hope you'll play into it.

FreshProduce 5th May 2019 06:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blackandwhite (Post 13963391)
Bro don't put the blame on you. It's not your fault, he is toxic and doesn't give a crap about you if he did he would be happy for you. He doesn't see you as a good friend. Can you even imagine if you would have more success or lets say if you would win for an example the lottery or get a partner who's way hotter compared to his partner?

Always remove toxic people from your life, they're nothing but a pain in the a$$. You don't need them at all. I had removed so many toxic people from my life, if I see one of them it's just hi bye and thats it.

Agreed.

You can love your toxic friends from a distance.

mattiasnyc 5th May 2019 09:19 PM

Not sure how anyone can make blanket statements about this. It's one thing to share good news, and another to always share good news. And it's one thing to hare happiness about discovering something musically or getting to play with a great musician, and another to tell people that you're making 3x more than them.

My interests and my values aren't necessarily those of my friends, and I can't just assume they like hearing about it.

In addition to that, we also don't really know how it is worded.

And in addition to that, we don't know anything about these supposed friends. Suppose this problematic one experienced some pretty bad luck and fell behind so to speak, is it then reasonable to expect that person to just be happy for you when they're unhappy for something outside of their control?

I agree, toxic friends can be disposed of, but let's at least acknowledge that there's a lot more to this than just "Can't they just be happy for me?"

Dysanfel 9th May 2019 02:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mattiasnyc (Post 13964166)
I agree, toxic friends can be disposed of, but let's at least acknowledge that there's a lot more to this than just "Can't they just be happy for me?"

I wish there were more to it. I want there to be more to it, but there it really is just this simple. 30+ year friends and we can hold any conversation as long as it does not involve anything I am doing musically. When I do it gets shut down and the subject changed. It hurts.

Moonwhistle 9th May 2019 05:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dysanfel (Post 13971292)
I wish there were more to it. I want there to be more to it, but there it really is just this simple. 30+ year friends and we can hold any conversation as long as it does not involve anything I am doing musically. When I do it gets shut down and the subject changed. It hurts.

What do you attempt to talk about with regards to your music?

It can be a lot like people that can't stop talking about their job/work. Music is one of those things some people get less psyched on the older they get.

Dysanfel 9th May 2019 05:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonwhistle (Post 13971476)
What do you attempt to talk about with regards to your music?

It can be a lot like people that can't stop talking about their job/work. Music is one of those things some people get less psyched on the older they get.

I would just like to share with my friend that I have a show coming up that I can get him free tickets too (but he never comes). I would love to talk about a cool song I wrote (he won't listen). He tells me about his shows, about his new songs, he emails me his newest compositions (which I DO listen too), but if I speak of any of this from my life I am a braggart. It is like a one sided contest, that I want nothing to do with. I just want to share my life with my friend. =(

pencilextremist 9th May 2019 12:32 PM

I think for your own mental health you need to try and end the relationship and find new friends, seriously man life is too short and there are billions of people out there, people like this drain your lifeblood, vitality and energy, it's what they want, you must cut him off.

A person like this cannot be reasoned with like a normal person, narcissists can't have the normal levels of empathy and understanding that an ordinary person can have, they can't be 'fixed' because its a personality trait, they very rarely change their behaviour throughout their life and often get worse as they get older. You are worth it, find some new people and make friends. Stop clinging onto the toxic friendship when you know it's not working for you, this is very bad for you.

Dysanfel 4th December 2019 05:30 AM

My friend showed up, with his wife, at a huge festival I played and seems we have turned a corner. I am so happy! rockoutrockout

I have offered to produce and mix his new project for free, which I plan to put 100% of my energy into. I love this guy! We went through so much in our teens/20's.

The relief I feel from my best childhood friend is real, and I am so happy to help him any way I can. We are actually talking about music again! I hope that this thread helps anyone in this situation. If your friend loves you they just might come around, but you must do it without pressure or any sense condensation.

pencilextremist 4th December 2019 03:07 PM

I'm not sure I get the working for free part but fair enough, I hope it works out for you.