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PTCruiser1801 8th September 2015 11:41 PM

Are you Proud of Me?- Original Song
 
Hi everyone!

I am only new to this forum and relatively new to song writing and recording. I have recently uploaded my very first original song to soundcloud and I am looking for some feedback on the lyrics. If anyone has 3 minutes of free time, I would love to hear what you think!

Here is the link: https://soundcloud.com/ptcruiser1801...ou-proud-of-me

Here is more information about the song:

I wrote this song a little while ago in response to seeing people around me going through some tough times with anxiety and depression and the struggle that they faced on a daily basis. Some of these friends I saw overcome their struggles and some didn't. The song hopefully reflects the persistent nature of mental illness. The 'Are you proud of me?' line reflects one particular person I know whose personal struggles related to never feeling good enough for anyone.

Here are the lyrics:

I see the road,
Narrow right before my eyes,
And in the dark,
The fading light is my disguise.

I hear a voice,
That familiar haunting sound,
It follows me,
I know no place it cant be found.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

I stand and wait,
To watch you walking right by me,
You think I'm gone,
My shadow isn't there to see.

I keep the faith,
My will is strong if I believe,
In time I'll know,
What I can and can't achieve.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

Focus now,
You're reflecting your own dreams,
Broken Down,
Everything's not as it seems.

Weary eyes,
They've seen too much but cannot close,
Sunken Heart,
A lier reaps just what he sows.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

IdiotStick 10th November 2015 05:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PTCruiser1801 (Post 11319501)
Are You Proud of Me?
by Paul Timmins

I see the road,
Narrow right before my eyes,
And in the dark,
The fading light is my disguise.

I hear a voice,
That familiar haunting sound,
It follows me,
I know no place it cant be found.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

I stand and wait,
To watch you walking right by me,
You think I'm gone,
My shadow isn't there to see.

I keep the faith,
My will is strong if I believe,
In time I'll know,
What I can and can't achieve.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

Focus now,
You're reflecting your own dreams,
Broken Down,
Everything's not as it seems.

Weary eyes,
They've seen too much but cannot close,
Sunken Heart,
A lier reaps just what he sows.

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

Are you proud of what you see?
Are you proud of me?

I really like this. The melody is haunting and the lyrics are touching. The breakdown doesn't grab me, I would just write a strong bridge and this would be a winner (just my opinion). The opening line could be stronger, it's probably the most important line in the song. As far as the mix goes, I think the low string are getting in the way of the vocal. All in all, a nice tune!

And never make changes just because of what someone else says. Always go with your gut, your heart and soul. It's your song.
~Bob

hello people 8th July 2016 07:14 AM

I like the sparse kind of nature of things but the vocal is too deadpan the whole way through. Could use a lift with some sweet, sweet backing vox or something I reckon. Nice response of a song to the things you said you were seeing around you.

Dchrisanthako 17th July 2016 12:51 PM

Really beautiful!

And really reminiscent of R.E.M. in a good way!

Gongrats!kfhkh