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Life just... bleeps.
Old 10th July 2020
  #1
Lives for gear
 
kpatz's Avatar
Life just... bleeps.

I've posted here about my difficulties before. Last time was in December, after a really difficult 2018 and 2019. At that time, having hope that 2020 would be better.

Well, we all know what 2020 brought us. More insanity. More stuff I can only describe using words that would get censored here.

I suppose being an outcast has helped me during the pandemic, but it just pushes me even more into the fringes of insanity. All the good things I had in life are gone, including my adorable tuxedo kitty (she crossed the rainbow bridge 2 days ago). It's summer, my favorite season, but am stuck at home. Still have to work and pay bills of course, with a pay cut due to the pandemic and corporate greed, and an insane workload.

No social life. No friends. No wife. No cats. What's left? Just a pile of synths, and no passion left to play with them. I canceled my Osmose pre-order because I feel like I have enough now and don't need more. I had next week booked off but canceled that (except for the 17th) because I'm not going anywhere and I have way too much work piling up while I pull myself back together after losing Squeaky.

I moved from NH to SC almost 5 years ago in search of a better life, and failed miserably. Not sure whether to move again, maybe someplace else, but what will that gain me? It didn't work this time, will it work next time? In any case, I'll move to a smaller, cheaper place. Maybe get rid of more stuff (including my synths, again??)

Questioning whether life is even worth living anymore. People will say "hang in there, it will get better" but it hasn't, at least not in the past 5 years.

Here's my baby. RIP. I miss her already.
Old 10th July 2020
  #2
Gear Maniac
 

Genuinely sorry man. I don’t know how I’d handle losing our pup, and I can empathize with the feeling of 2020 being the year things were going to come together and feel easier. It got difficult here in November and hasn’t really let up much at all since. There are at least always animals in need of a home and you seem like someone with a good heart, so no reason you can’t fill in the friends and partner piece as well, but that doesn’t negate the pain you’re feeling now. Do you have family you can reach out to? I’ve found Podcasts from Tara Brach and Ram Dass are good for lowering my existential angst.
Old 11th July 2020
  #3
Gear Addict
 

I'm sorry to read about your Squeaky, and your other troubles (your story could almost be a copy of mine). I'm a cat guy, and it absolutely sucks when you lose a critter. I believe that cats and dogs understand us much more deeply than science acknowledges.

I moved from the northeast to SC 6 years ago for a shot at a better life. My (now ex-) wife and I were going to have a kid, settle into a house, and do all of that. Well, my wife ran off with an unemployed high-school dropout... had a kid with him. I ended up at a job that is at best barely tolerable--and isn't what was promised. It pays the bills, but it crushes my spirit.

I don't have any great formula for finding contentment. I try to do something at least a little enjoyable every day. For me, that's small woodworking projects, repairing used gear, a bit of gardening, listening to podcasts. As soon as a project becomes frustrating rather than enjoyable, I set it aside for a while. That's what helps me find a little contentment and a bit of happiness. Maybe someday I'll start another business and at least my labor will benefit me and not someone else--I ran my own small business for half a decade, but the "Affordable" (hahaha) Care Act tripled my insurance premiums and put me out of business.

I won't say "hang in there" because I know it won't help. But, I will say that you're among friends and you're welcome to post here or message me if you want to talk. Give yourself some time to remember Squeaky, but considering eventually getting another cat. Not to replace her--but as a new companion.
Old 13th July 2020
  #4
Lives for gear
 
kpatz's Avatar
Thanks guys. I suppose it helps to know that I'm not alone, but it's just further proof that the whole world sucks, and it's not just me.

I moved here 5 years ago with a wife and 4 cats and a dream of a better life. Now all that's gone. Squeaky was the last of the 4 to go. The separation put me into debt that will prevent me from retiring, unless I downsize into a dumpster. Working full time to make someone else rich is anything but fulfilling, but it does pay the bills. I have a pool (that I spent a ton of money putting in to make said wife happy right before she left) but that's just a bunch of work and I just swim in it alone, it's not even worth having. The music/synth hobby waxes and wanes, and is in the waning phase now, possibly because it's summer and I want to be outside more. It may pick back up this winter, but at best it's only something to waste time when I'm bored.

My dream was to move here and live the rest of my life here. Now that is gone. I'll have to move again since I can't afford to live here anymore, at least not without working until I die.

I wonder if there's some primitive tribe in some jungle or tropical island that would be willing to take me as one of their own. "Civilized" life is for the birds.
Old 13th July 2020
  #5
Lives for gear
 

maybe you have time enough to pick up some books? there's a whole universe to be found in literature!

or is there anyone around who you could occasionally jam with?

anyone in the neighbourhood to talk to?

or go for a daily (or weekly) walk, and be it just 10 minutes?
Old 14th July 2020
  #6
Lives for gear
OP, you're not alone, you never were. There's a whole universe constantly talking to you, most of us are simply disconnected from our divine nature and ignore it. The Western world is going down faster than the speed of light because of this disconnection from The Divine. Some call it spirituality, others religion, and others, ethics and morals. It's a disconnection, a fracture. The tree, the fruit that you're eating, the bird that is chirping, the green of the grass, the smile of the Sun, the glowing of the Moon...this are all means of communication with you from the Universe. You've separated from your source, just sit down and listen to everything that constantly talks to you, we are never alone. How do you reply back to them and how do you reconnect? Easy:follow the instructions of your heart, she is the actual brain, the composer, the brain located in your head is only there to execute and implement instructions in the physical world, the engineer/construction worker.

Cheers!
Old 14th July 2020
  #7
Lives for gear
Quote:
Originally Posted by AndreiPiatra View Post
OP, you're not alone, you never were. There's a whole universe constantly talking to you, most of us are simply disconnected from our divine nature and ignore it. The Western world is going down faster than the speed of light because of this disconnection from The Divine. Some call it spirituality, others religion, and others, ethics and morals. It's a disconnection, a fracture. The tree, the fruit that you're eating, the bird that is chirping, the green of the grass, the smile of the Sun, the glowing of the Moon...this are all means of communication with you from the Universe. You've separated from your source, just sit down and listen to everything that constantly talks to you, we are never alone. How do you reply back to them and how do you reconnect? Easy:follow the instructions of your heart, she is the actual brain, the composer, the brain located in your head is only there to execute and implement instructions in the physical world, the engineer/construction worker.

Cheers!
Yes Affirmative. We are not alone and we never were.
Consciousness is on the rise and is being aided by the present challenges. Its all in the mind and a new perception can arise but we still need to work at it. Old habits die hard as the saying goes. This includes our relationship with Nature and the whole shebang.

OP Sorry to hear of your`e suffering but it will end. Eckhart Tolle may help (find a video of his that resonates with YOU)



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eckhart_Tolle
quote from wiki
I couldn’t live with myself any longer. And in this a question arose without an answer: who is the ‘I’ that cannot live with the self? What is the self? I felt drawn into a void! I didn’t know it at the time but what really happened was that the mind-made self, (with its heaviness, its problems, that lives between the unsatisfying past and the fearful future) collapsed. It dissolved. The next morning I woke up and everything was so peaceful. The peace was there because there was no self. Just a sense of presence or "beingness," just observing and watching.[

Last edited by Macky; 14th July 2020 at 11:21 PM..
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