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I'm officially separated after 20+ years...
Old 28th February 2019
  #1
Lives for gear
 

I'm officially separated after 20+ years...

I've mentioned it in passing in threads in Electronic Musical Instruments that my beloved wife of 20 (well, 21 now) years left me about a year ago. Well, today was the court hearing so our separation is now official.

This is the same wife that always complained about my synths (when I had them) and led me to sell everything in 2013/2014. Well, moving to SC in 2015 bothered her even more than me having synths, and she left me in early 2018 and moved back to NH.

There's the usual financial damage... lawyers make the Moog One or a mint Jupiter-8 seem like a bargain... and then the dreaded splitting of marital assets, which is going to put me into another 20 years of mortgage debt instead of having everything paid off in 3 years. This pretty much spells the doom for any chance of retirement as well. There's the obvious emotional impact as well... some days I do ok, others I just want to curl up and die.

I suppose if there's a bright side to any of this, it means I can have synths again.... which I do have a modest set up. Once I get the finances settled and I have enough money to not be living paycheck to paycheck again, I can get some nicer gear and hopefully start making music again (and try not to suck at it... lol).

There's always the (slight) chance she could change her mind and we could get back together as well... though it seems less likely now... at mediation she did offer to reconcile if I moved back to NH... which I don't want to do. I hated it there, especially the weather. But, I still hold out hope, and went with the separation instead of divorce for the time being for that reason.
Old 28th February 2019
  #2
Gear Nut
 
ofie's Avatar
 

So sorry. I can't imagine what you must be going through though. Like Louis Armstrong sang "its cheaper to keep her"
Brighter days and synths ahead. You are in my prayers.
Old 28th February 2019
  #3
Sounds like a rough situation. Brings back my divorce from many years back. I hope you have some support around you and that music helps soothe thru inevitable tough moments.
Old 28th February 2019
  #4
Brother, it happens to the best of us, been there, brought the t-shirt. 2009 i was ready to jump off a bridge, now im plain sailing, with the best women I've ever met, a real upgrade too!. Life's a funny old game.
Back then I got myself a VOX amp to cheer me up. Money is for spending, and life is for living, be your own best friend, keep fit, eat what you like. Be happy, it's an internal choice, don't let external circumstances dictate your happiness or mood. Easier said than done i know., but you get the idea.
I feel your pain, just know this is part of your story, and you will better for it in the end.
Old 1st March 2019
  #5
Lives for gear
 

hope you find some distraction, consolation and fun when playing any synth - music is powerful!
Old 1st March 2019
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
I've mentioned it in passing in threads in Electronic Musical Instruments that my beloved wife of 20 (well, 21 now) years left me about a year ago. Well, today was the court hearing so our separation is now official.

This is the same wife that always complained about my synths (when I had them) and led me to sell everything in 2013/2014. Well, moving to SC in 2015 bothered her even more than me having synths, and she left me in early 2018 and moved back to NH.

There's the usual financial damage... lawyers make the Moog One or a mint Jupiter-8 seem like a bargain... and then the dreaded splitting of marital assets, which is going to put me into another 20 years of mortgage debt instead of having everything paid off in 3 years. This pretty much spells the doom for any chance of retirement as well. There's the obvious emotional impact as well... some days I do ok, others I just want to curl up and die.

I suppose if there's a bright side to any of this, it means I can have synths again.... which I do have a modest set up. Once I get the finances settled and I have enough money to not be living paycheck to paycheck again, I can get some nicer gear and hopefully start making music again (and try not to suck at it... lol).

There's always the (slight) chance she could change her mind and we could get back together as well... though it seems less likely now... at mediation she did offer to reconcile if I moved back to NH... which I don't want to do. I hated it there, especially the weather. But, I still hold out hope, and went with the separation instead of divorce for the time being for that reason.
Interesting that a sticking point would be NH vs SC-

I totally get not wanting to live in the Northern dreary ass weather-
Old 1st March 2019
  #7
Lives for gear
 
foxwaves's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
I've mentioned it in passing in threads in Electronic Musical Instruments that my beloved wife of 20 (well, 21 now) years left me about a year ago. Well, today was the court hearing so our separation is now official.

This is the same wife that always complained about my synths (when I had them) and led me to sell everything in 2013/2014. Well, moving to SC in 2015 bothered her even more than me having synths, and she left me in early 2018 and moved back to NH.

There's the usual financial damage... lawyers make the Moog One or a mint Jupiter-8 seem like a bargain... and then the dreaded splitting of marital assets, which is going to put me into another 20 years of mortgage debt instead of having everything paid off in 3 years. This pretty much spells the doom for any chance of retirement as well. There's the obvious emotional impact as well... some days I do ok, others I just want to curl up and die.

I suppose if there's a bright side to any of this, it means I can have synths again.... which I do have a modest set up. Once I get the finances settled and I have enough money to not be living paycheck to paycheck again, I can get some nicer gear and hopefully start making music again (and try not to suck at it... lol).

There's always the (slight) chance she could change her mind and we could get back together as well... though it seems less likely now... at mediation she did offer to reconcile if I moved back to NH... which I don't want to do. I hated it there, especially the weather. But, I still hold out hope, and went with the separation instead of divorce for the time being for that reason.

Man, that's tough; hang in there. Better days are ahead!
Old 1st March 2019
  #8
Hang in there mate, it's painful and very gloomy at first but as the years pass you'll begin to feel new and alive again.
Old 1st March 2019
  #9
Lives for gear
 
EvilRoy's Avatar
 

I've had the ugliest divorce on the planet, married for 25. After 6 years it's only gotten worse. My eldest son with Cerebral Palsy now only leaves his room when I see him. My second son now has panic attacks and can't work. My underage daughter is being abused and is suicidal. They're all on anti-depressants. The ex will do anything to hurt me, even if it means hurting the kids. Weird thing is.... we divorced simply because I was accepted into Mensa, she was offended and angry. That was the day we started fighting and never stopped. Fight, fight, fight, she starts infidelity, fight fight fight, divorce, fight, fight, fight, she won't let me see kids, fight, fight, fight... I never actually DID anything bad. When my daughter became suicidal is when I finally stopped wallowing in self pity and kicked some expensive legal a**. Hanging on by my financial finger nails.

Nobody ever actually wins a war.
Old 1st March 2019
  #10
Lives for gear
Look on the bright side..

Old 1st March 2019
  #11
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tux99's Avatar
I'm sorry to hear that, I wish you that you get over it soon. There are always plenty other reasons to live for, making music certainly is one of them.
Old 1st March 2019
  #12
Lives for gear
 
BIG BUDDHA's Avatar
better to embrace change, than to fight it.

women are unreliable things, and can not be looked, to as a source of happyness.

the good news is that now, you have freedom of choice.

i think thats worth something, more than money.

congatulations on your new status, as a free man, with freedom of choice. smile.

Buddha
Old 1st March 2019
  #13
Lives for gear
 



Anyway -

OP sorry to hear, I can't imagine how hard it must be, esp after all those years. Life can be one serious (insert nasty words here). Best wishes to you that things work out for the best in the long term. Hang in there. Day at a time and all that.
Old 1st March 2019
  #14
Gear Maniac
 
Bart Nettle's Avatar
There is always hope. No need for despair.
Meanwhile just do well in life, really really well! An not caved in, in a well but live long and prosper!
Old 3rd March 2019
  #15
Gear Addict
 

condolences

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
I've mentioned it in passing in threads in Electronic Musical Instruments that my beloved wife of 20 (well, 21 now) years left me about a year ago. Well, today was the court hearing so our separation is now official.

This is the same wife that always complained about my synths (when I had them) and led me to sell everything in 2013/2014. Well, moving to SC in 2015 bothered her even more than me having synths, and she left me in early 2018 and moved back to NH.

There's the usual financial damage... lawyers make the Moog One or a mint Jupiter-8 seem like a bargain... and then the dreaded splitting of marital assets, which is going to put me into another 20 years of mortgage debt instead of having everything paid off in 3 years. This pretty much spells the doom for any chance of retirement as well. There's the obvious emotional impact as well... some days I do ok, others I just want to curl up and die.

I suppose if there's a bright side to any of this, it means I can have synths again.... which I do have a modest set up. Once I get the finances settled and I have enough money to not be living paycheck to paycheck again, I can get some nicer gear and hopefully start making music again (and try not to suck at it... lol).

There's always the (slight) chance she could change her mind and we could get back together as well... though it seems less likely now... at mediation she did offer to reconcile if I moved back to NH... which I don't want to do. I hated it there, especially the weather. But, I still hold out hope, and went with the separation instead of divorce for the time being for that reason.
Sorry to hear that.

Better now than after 50 years. Based on my experience.

Which mean more to you? The ex or the synths?
Will that still be true 5 10 20 40 years from now?
That should help you grok the situation better.
Old 3rd March 2019
  #16
Lives for gear
 

Sorry to hear. I think it is right to embrace the silver linings. Those can lead to bigger and better things if you let it.
Old 3rd March 2019
  #17
I bought a guitar (Taylor 414ce) to get over a relationship fail; it didn't work so I bought another one (Martin D15) and started to feel better. I think the guitars were a crucial part of the healing process. Reliable friends to share my blues with.

Please consider buying at least two synths and maybe a drum machine.

Good fortune
Old 3rd March 2019
  #18
Lives for gear
 
s wave's Avatar
Sometimes people are not the same people they used to be. 3 billion more fish in the sea... and I am sure there is more than one for you. Trying to get perfect love from an un-perfect person eventually will fail. But if you can set your sights on a higher Ideal, things start working out. If we do not demand that an un-perfect person give us perfect love in the way that we want it we start not limiting what is possible. All things are possible. You can receive love from strangers and dogs an even rocks. I obviously have an out of the box view on things. Love is permeating our world through millions of things. If you can just imagine yourself in a situation where it would be better than what you had or where you are now... your present sorrows will fade with less magnification. And as you magnify the truly more important things in life... you will start attracting the great unimaginable life. I like to go to sleep 'whole' instead of happy. Like forgiveness, I just take that forgiveness as a gift and give it to all freely - and I am instantly forgiven. Transgressions wash away...

A long time ago I luckily learned that I am allowed to HATE what people do... but I must love that person at the same time. It is actually pretty silly and very easy to do. As I get rid of all hate in me... I get rid of all hate in my life. And my best lesson ever was All good things come from love/light and all bad things come from fear... and there is only one answer to this life. We must choose the life/love. This is the one choice that we always have at our disposal - our choice of attitude.

I feel for you - I hope this sorrowed time ends abruptly. Bless you my friend.
Old 3rd March 2019
  #19
Lives for gear
 
foxwaves's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by s wave View Post
Sometimes people are not the same people they used to be. 3 billion more fish in the sea... and I am sure there is more than one for you. Trying to get perfect love from an un-perfect person eventually will fail. But if you can set your sights on a higher Ideal, things start working out. If we do not demand that an un-perfect person give us perfect love in the way that we want it we start not limiting what is possible. All things are possible. You can receive love from strangers and dogs an even rocks. I obviously have an out of the box view on things. Love is permeating our world through millions of things. If you can just imagine yourself in a situation where it would be better than what you had or where you are now... your present sorrows will fade with less magnification. And as you magnify the truly more important things in life... you will start attracting the great unimaginable life. I like to go to sleep 'whole' instead of happy. Like forgiveness, I just take that forgiveness as a gift and give it to all freely - and I am instantly forgiven. Transgressions wash away...

A long time ago I luckily learned that I am allowed to HATE what people do... but I must love that person at the same time. It is actually pretty silly and very easy to do. As I get rid of all hate in me... I get rid of all hate in my life. And my best lesson ever was All good things come from love/light and all bad things come from fear... and there is only one answer to this life. We must choose the life/love. This is the one choice that we always have at our disposal - our choice of attitude.

I feel for you - I hope this sorrowed time ends abruptly. Bless you my friend.
Old 4th March 2019
  #20
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BIG BUDDHA's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by s wave View Post
All good things come from love/light and all bad things come from fear... and there is only one answer to this life. We must choose the life/love. This is the one choice that we always have at our disposal - our choice of attitude.
good words.

Buddha
Old 5th March 2019
  #21
Lives for gear
 

Just got hit with another $1500 attorney bill. Never seems to end. That pushes any new synths back another 3-6 months at least... and then only once I get my nearly maxed out credit cards paid off.

What really sucks is SHE was an ass and left me, and I have to give her all this money. Stupid laws. Whoever wrote them must have been on the receiving end of the money.

$1000 of that bill is so that my attorney can do up the QDRO so the ex can get 1/2 my 401k. So I'm giving someone money so I can give someone else even more money.

I need a winning lottery ticket, right about now.
Old 5th March 2019
  #22
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foxwaves's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
Just got hit with another $1500 attorney bill. Never seems to end. That pushes any new synths back another 3-6 months at least... and then only once I get my nearly maxed out credit cards paid off.

What really sucks is SHE was an ass and left me, and I have to give her all this money. Stupid laws. Whoever wrote them must have been on the receiving end of the money.

$1000 of that bill is so that my attorney can do up the QDRO so the ex can get 1/2 my 401k. So I'm giving someone money so I can give someone else even more money.

I need a winning lottery ticket, right about now.
The deck is stacked, Pal. Hang in there!
Old 5th March 2019
  #23
Lives for gear
 
s wave's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
Just got hit with another $1500 attorney bill. Never seems to end. That pushes any new synths back another 3-6 months at least... and then only once I get my nearly maxed out credit cards paid off.

What really sucks is SHE was an ass and left me, and I have to give her all this money. Stupid laws. Whoever wrote them must have been on the receiving end of the money.

$1000 of that bill is so that my attorney can do up the QDRO so the ex can get 1/2 my 401k. So I'm giving someone money so I can give someone else even more money.

I need a winning lottery ticket, right about now.
Its a good time to brush up on some law. Most people do not even have a clue how the courts systems or jurisdictions work.

You only have a standing or right - if you know that right - and enforce that right, which generally takes an understanding of the basic recent rulings of interpretations of the law in your locale. Wasn't that the job of your attorney? (If you have drive and gumption you can see if you can represent yourself and get r dun) Not any harder than music. What law...? well to start; the state statutes and fed. As well as UCC standing or other. You generally have to find where it is favorable to you in your situation and get it there. It is not too hard to get a grip on it. I would start by reading your states statutes... noting where the law is on your side. See what Uniform Commercial Code or contract law etc. says on the same issue. Just on 'Formal Notice's alone, much is overlooked, and often they not constructed correctly or delivered correctly.

What is funny is how contract law is very different than statutory law, yet you sign contracts in a statutory jurisdiction which is often just a real time interpreted court decision. Go figure, where in much contract law one can not be forcibly or held in contract when a simple misrepresentation occurs (a false statement of fact) which is rampant. Anywho... its good to take some of the frustration and focus it on knowing a little lay-law. It is definitely not easy to create when in that arena.

Thank God she didn't take your sense of humor. Forge ahead and protect that humor and spirit.
Old 18th March 2019
  #24
Lives for gear
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by kpatz View Post
This is the same wife that always complained about my synths (when I had them) and led me to sell everything in 2013/2014. Well, moving to SC in 2015 bothered her even more than me having synths, and she left me in early 2018 and moved back to NH.
Hang in there brother, sorry to hear about all this pain and angst.

From the sound of things, its her way or the highway, and seems like she means more to you than you do to her, since she cares more about statehood than partnerhood.

But this ugly time will be the seed for new growth and re-direction to line your life up better than ever before. For example imagine a girlfriend/wife who "allows" you, maybe even encourages you, to follow your passions and interests
Old 18th March 2019
  #25
Lives for gear
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by HarryDelmarva View Post
For example imagine a girlfriend/wife who "allows" you, maybe even encourages you, to follow your passions and interests
Right now I'm imagining a girlfriend/wife free life lol... been there done that, time to move on.
Old 2nd April 2019
  #26
OP, good on you for posting this and trying to get a load off of your chest. Better that than to let it smolder inside.....

A few thoughts just to explore the other side of this:

Marriage is really tricky (occasionally prickly) business, and it sounds like it's the latter of those right now. Certain situations are especially vulnerable times, especially things like moving. I'm sure she has her own side to the story too, and from her personal viewpoint she clearly has found justification for her actions against you (regardless of whether you think they have merit). She was clearly not onboard with moving, seems you had some communication breakdown here, and while not the only issue, this was certainly the tipping point. And to be fair, I'm sure for a lot of women(mine included) would go over like a turd in a punchbowl. It's easy to be judgmental about this, but it's a really big deal for many people. It's a non-starter premise with my own wife - sure I could make more money in a different market and live in a warmer climate, but it is what it is and messing with that would be at my own peril.

Her taking you back contingent on you moving (or really any list of firm conditions of such impact) sure doesn't sound like much of an offer. However, just to show the other side of the argument, you might consider that - as an alternative to entering a brutal financial situation. A "mutual living arrangement" (open to interpretation of your mutual choosing), while very, very far from ideal could make life a lot more financially stable for BOTH of you, and at least leave the door open for reconciliation, should you for some reason want that at some point in the future.

You'd be well justified if you want to end things, and at this point you have a pretty good idea of what that gets you.

I think it would be worth really pitting these options against each other and seeing what not only wins on paper for you, but ultimately in your heart. You have shown some hesitation in your posts to suggest you aren't quite sure what you really want yet, and she hasn't completely closed the door either.

Once you decide, be firm in your decision and don't look back. Regret is a terrible thing to be avoided by all necessary means.

Best of luck to you!

Last edited by bambamboom; 2nd April 2019 at 03:10 AM..
Old 2nd April 2019
  #27
Deleted cec0d5b
Guest
This thread has reminded me that I can sometimes be too judgmental, acidic or blunt in my replies to some people on here without considering that we’re all going through our own personal traumas and that we’re all just human.

@ kpatz - I’m sorry to hear about your separation, and I hope it all works out as you intend - whichever path that ends up being.

@ EvilRoy - Words fail me for the torment you and your children have gone and continue to go through. I sincerely hope peace finds you all one day.

You all take care of yourselves.
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