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Are you surprised at how few people possess a sense of humor?
Old 2 weeks ago
  #31
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Old 1 week ago
  #32
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ionian's Avatar
Quote:
Originally Posted by Derp View Post
Does anyone remember "Mommy, Mommy" jokes?

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like running in circles!"
"Shut up or I'll nail down your other foot!"

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?"
"Shut up and eat your meat loaf."

"Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!"
"Shut up and get away from the dart board!"

If only we all had mothers that caring.



How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, if you throw it hard enough.
Ahahah I used to tell Mommy mommy ones back ages ago. I haven't heard those in forever! The one about running in circles used to crack me up.

That's up there with the ones I used to hear like:

My mother said I'm a treasure. My father said, "Let's bury him".

My mother said I'm as pretty as a picture. My father said, "Let's hang him".


Quote:
Originally Posted by Derp View Post
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing. You've already told her twice!
Ahahahaha I've told this one myself a million times. It reminds me of a T-shirt I wear all the time that says, "10,000 battered women and I'm still eating mine plain?"

I bought it from a place called T-shirt hell, which when I found that website, they ended up providing half my wardrobe, easily.

I have another great shirt from that website that says, "I eat more pu**y than cervical cancer".
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Old 1 week ago
  #33
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I guess really awful human beings can have their own brands of humor. I recommend “The **** Joke Book” to those people.
Old 1 week ago
  #34
Just watched Seems Like Old Times from 1980, it was funny when i was 6 and still very funny now at 43, the art form of being funny has really faded in the last couple of decades.

If you haven't seen inbetweeners series from the UK that's pretty funny though.
Old 1 week ago
  #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ionian View Post
Ahahahaha I've told this one myself a million times.
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Old 1 week ago
  #36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Brent Hahn View Post
Smokey bats lefty. Who knew?
Lmao. I'm a lefty. I tend to draw from my perspective.
Old 1 week ago
  #37
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"If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions... of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS."
– Jimmy Carr
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Old 1 week ago
  #38
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12ax7's Avatar
 

It seems that Comedy is in the process of being replaced with Recreational Outrage.

Recreational Outrage basically does the same thing as Comedy, but doesn't require the same level of intelligence or human interaction.
(It also isn't as much fun.)
.
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Old 1 week ago
  #39
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Well, there's also a difference between a comedian that carefully crafts a funny joke containing outrage, and one that's more or less simply venting his outrage and people laughing as a sort of relief and because they're supposed to (because it's a "stand-up comedy act"). A fair amount of outrage comedians aren't actually very good at crafting comedy in my opinion, despite being right.

Add to that the times we're in and I'm not surprised recreational outrage and just promoting anger and hate and anguish is popular.
Old 1 week ago
  #40
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12ax7's Avatar
 

We just don't have enough "Imogene Cocas" out there anymore:
"The trouble with most comedians who try to do satire is that they are essentially brash, noisy and indelicate people who have to use a sledge hammer to smash a butterfly.

"Miss Coca, on the other hand, is the timid woman, who when aroused can beat a tiger to death with a feather!"
-Ernest Havemann (about Imogene Coca) in Life magazine, (February, 1951).
.
Old 1 week ago
  #41
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12tone's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by 12ax7 View Post
It seems that Comedy is in the process of being replaced with Recreational Outrage.

Recreational Outrage basically does the same thing as Comedy, but doesn't require the same level of intelligence or human interaction.
(It also isn't as much fun.)
.
Recreational Outrage has always been there, no?

Maybe what's changed is everyone has a platform for it now.
Old 1 week ago
  #42
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Are we building to a “Battle of the Twelves”? Maybe a dance off?
Old 1 week ago
  #43
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Derp's Avatar
This one's been a favorite of mine since I was a little kid. It's a fun one to tell because you can put your own little spin on the story (kind of like "The Aristocrats" joke).

There was once a woman who was married to a man who would make extremely loud and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up. Every time he did so, the woman was disgusted and told him, "One of these days, you're going to fart your guts out!"

One morning the woman got up early to cook a turkey for a party they were hosting that night. As she looked down at the turkey's guts and entrails that she had just removed, she got a Mischievous little idea...

The woman took the turkey entrails and guts and walked upstairs to her bedroom, where her husband was still sleeping. She carefully pulled down his shorts and placed the turkey guts inside them. She smiled and went back downstairs to finish her work.

A few minutes later, she heard her husband wake up with his usual "Sonic-Boom" fart, immediately followed by a blood-curdling scream. She laughed as she heard him run into the bathroom.

A short while later, he came down to the kitchen still panting from the scare. She tried to hold back a smile as she asked him what was the matter.

This was his reply: "Honey, you were right! You said one of these days i was gonna fart my guts out,and it happened! But, by the grace of God and these two fingers i was able to get them back in."
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Old 1 week ago
  #44
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IncarnateX's Avatar
 

Knock knock on Sankt Peter’s door


He opens, and in front him stands a rather decent looking small man


“Hi, I am William, can I get in?”


“Hi William, you can only get in if you have done good deeds in your life, you know that, so tell me what is the greatest of deeds you have done in your life?”


“William thinks for a while and says “the greatest of deeds I have done was when I saw a biker gang harassing an old lady. I ran into the mob and told them to take a hike or they would face my wrath…”


Looking at the small man, Sankt Peter gets impressed; “Woah, now that is one of the bravest deeds I have ever heard of….and when did this happen, you say?”


“Approximately five minutes ago”
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Old 1 week ago
  #45
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IncarnateX's Avatar
 

“Yeah, I just won a fight with Big Jim”, Johnny says, limping into the bar.
“Really???”, his friend yells in surprise. “How did you manage that?”
“Easily, I broke his fist with my jaw and crushed his knee with my balls”
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Old 1 week ago
  #46
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12tone's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bushman View Post
Are we building to a “Battle of the Twelves”? Maybe a dance off?
I'm willing to engage 12ax7 in a no holds barred cage match.

Dance off?!? Will the wussification never cease?
Old 1 week ago
  #47
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Originally Posted by 12tone View Post
Dance off?!? Will the wussification never cease?
Wussification? I was referencing one of my favorite moments of “Guardians of the Galaxy”. Mock wussification at worst.
Old 1 week ago
  #48
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Derp's Avatar
I had a feeling someone was going to take it a hair too far. I should have guessed it would be Incarnate.
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Old 1 week ago
  #49
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12tone's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derp View Post
I had a feeling someone was going to take it a hair too far. I should have guessed it would be Incarnate.
As the immortal John Wooden put it: "Sports don't build character; they reveal it."
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Old 1 week ago
  #50
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IncarnateX's Avatar
 

Damn. My joke got nuked. It was illegal. Sorry for the mess...but a pity. I had more jokes in that division coming.

Man, what is it with GS and Nordic humor, anyway?

To my ancestors, the vikings, it could be a joke if you cracked someone's skull open at a party.

It is all a matter of context. No offence intended. Can't you see my smile and the glimpse in my eye?
Old 1 week ago
  #51
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IncarnateX's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Derp View Post
I had a feeling someone was going to take it a hair too far. I should have guessed it would be Incarnate.
At your service, gentlemen.
Old 1 week ago
  #52
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IncarnateX's Avatar
 

Okay. Am I allowed a replacement joke, then?

A man moves to the country to a nice little farm and one day his neighbor farmer, a muscular old fellow, pays him a visit. They agree to help each other out with their respective duties on their farms, and by the same token, the neighbor invites him to a party Saturday night at his farm. The newcomer accepts the invitation but the neighbor has some precautions:

“You should know, this could be a party with some heavy drinking and things can get pretty wild.”

“Okay, that sounds like a lot of fun to me” , the newcomer says.

“Yeah, but things can get out of hand sometimes, and maybe there will even be a fight”, the neighbor continues.

“Well, guess you always run that risk at parties, and fights can be entertaining”, the newcomer respond.

“Yes, but things can get out of control in many ways, there may even be sex at the party”, the neighbor continues.

“Heh heh, that is not an unpleasant surprise either”, the newcomer says: “Count me in. However, what is the dress code?”

“The dress code?”, the neighbor respond; “oh, don’t worry about that, there will only be the two of us”.
Old 1 week ago
  #53
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Derp's Avatar
A drummer walks into a music store, deciding he's finally going to learn how to play a real instrument. After nearly an hour of looking around and wiping drool from his face, he approaches the clerk. "I want that red trumpet and the accordion on the floor."

The clerk looks at the drummer and says "Sir, you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay."
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Old 1 week ago
  #54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Derp View Post
Does anyone remember "Mommy, Mommy" jokes?

"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like running in circles!"
"Shut up or I'll nail down your other foot!"

"Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all that dog food Fido wouldn't eat?"
"Shut up and eat your meat loaf."

"Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts!"
"Shut up and get away from the dart board!"

If only we all had mothers that caring.



How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
One, if you throw it hard enough.

My fave was "Mommy mommy! What happened to Daddy's scabs?"
"Shut up and finish your corn flakes!"
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Old 1 week ago
  #55
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Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
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Old 1 week ago
  #56
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Barney Rubble's Avatar
 

my god, I was just reading a thread last night that absolutely had me in stitches! theres like 17 pages of jokes and hilarious childish nonsense... I recommend everyone check it out! He Is...the Most Interesting Gear Slut!
Old 1 week ago
  #57
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12tone's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by creegstor View Post
Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Did you know Yo Yo Ma had a black sister? ...Yo mama.

My flute teacher in college told me that, and she literally snorted after telling it. Suffice it to say, I'd say she found it way funnier than I did.
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Old 1 week ago
  #58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 12tone View Post
Did you know Yo Yo Ma had a black sister? ...Yo mama.

My flute teacher in college told me that, and she literally snorted after telling it. Suffice it to say, I'd say she found it way funnier than I did.
My friend's wife manages Yo Yo. I shall have to check the veracity of this claim!
Old 1 week ago
  #59
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12tone's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by creegstor View Post
My friend's wife manages Yo Yo. I shall have to check the veracity of this claim!
This Yo Yo?
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Old 1 week ago
  #60
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Derp's Avatar
A man and his wife go to the doctor's office. After the doctor sees him he calls in his wife and she asks "Is my husband okay Doctor?"

The doctor replies "Well, he will be if you do everything I say. You have to prepare all of his meals for him every day. You also have to do all of his chores, never nag at him, and most importantly you must massage him three times a day. Do this for about a year and he will live."

Later in the car the husband asks his wife what the doctor said and she replies "He said you're going to die."
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