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The current trendy fingernails-on-a-chalkboard CorporateSpeak... Modular Synthesizers
Old 7th July 2018
  #1
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The current trendy fingernails-on-a-chalkboard CorporateSpeak...

For those who work in the purgatory known as corporate America, you know what I mean. Past winners of this award from hell include "think outside the box," "right-sizing," "deep dives," and "synergistic." And many more, all vomit worthy. I notice two however that appear to be the trendiest:

"excited" or its brother, "super excited": this ordinary word is suddenly all the rage in the corporate world. It's gotten so very old. We've actually had management even use it to give us bad news. ("I'm super excited to tell you about our upcoming layoffs....")

"awesome." Everything even remotely positive or even satisfactory is "awesome" now. (This one also appears to be popular outside of the corporate world too, sadly) Seemingly all other similar adjectives are forbidden. Bonus pts if you say it quickly and sort of scrunched together, like "awsum" instead of like a normal human being would say it.

Others?
Old 7th July 2018
  #2
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chrischoir's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by bill5 View Post
For those who work in the purgatory known as corporate America, you know what I mean. Past winners of this award from hell include "think outside the box," "right-sizing," "deep dives," and "synergistic." And many more, all vomit worthy. I notice two however that appear to be the trendiest:

"excited" or its brother, "super excited": this ordinary word is suddenly all the rage in the corporate world. It's gotten so very old. We've actually had management even use it to give us bad news. ("I'm super excited to tell you about our upcoming layoffs....")

"awesome." Everything even remotely positive or even satisfactory is "awesome" now. (This one also appears to be popular outside of the corporate world too, sadly) Seemingly all other similar adjectives are forbidden. Bonus pts if you say it quickly and sort of scrunched together, like "awsum" instead of like a normal human being would say it.

Others?
So much parrot talk for sure. Bottom line is none of these people have any imagination it's all regurgitated dialog. Human resources script is even worse...... "What are your career goals", "What motivates you"? um to make much MONEY as I can.... lol

"So what makes you different than the other candidates??" um I dunno let me read their resumes and I'll f'ing tell you

"Do you have any questions about the company?" Um yeah how many raises am I going to get??

"why did you go in to this career?" um to get paid handsomely!!!

"We have a great benefits and retirement package"..... Yeah you and every other company that I interview at.. save the used car salesman talk for the next guy

"where do you see yourself in 5 years" ... well let me see... $120k base plus 5% raises each year for 5 years ... well I guess I see myself at $160,811.48 in 5 years
Old 7th July 2018
  #3
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bitman's Avatar
Everything is amazing today.

And reach out to someone. (shiver)
Old 7th July 2018
  #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chrischoir View Post
So much parrot talk for sure. Bottom line is none of these people have any imagination it's all regurgitated dialog. Human resources script is even worse...... "What are your career goals", "What motivates you"? um to make much MONEY as I can.... lol

"So what makes you different than the other candidates??" um I dunno let me read their resumes and I'll f'ing tell you

"Do you have any questions about the company?" Um yeah how many raises am I going to get??

"why did you go in to this career?" um to get paid handsomely!!!

"We have a great benefits and retirement package"..... Yeah you and every other company that I interview at.. save the used car salesman talk for the next guy

"where do you see yourself in 5 years" ... well let me see... $120k base plus 5% raises each year for 5 years ... well I guess I see myself at $160,811.48 in 5 years
I hear you in spades, but those aren't really the little catch phrases I had in mind. (As for HR, don't get me started.....interviewing is a horrid process. I love the "why did you apply here" question.....because I need a job, or want a better one. That's different from everyone else how?)
Old 8th July 2018
  #5
Frankly I hate the current corporate usage of the word traction.
That feature isn’t getting any traction with the end users e.g.

Is it supposed to sound racy or something? It just sounds completely tarded. Likening stuff to a property of tires makes it sound like an ad for new Michelins

Then there’s the verbiage of science. E.g. Your team needs to science up a fix right away.
Again, it’s just stupid sounding. Teachers in schools are saying this too. The dumbing down is truly astonishing, how do you justify teaching kids the improper use of language? Brilliant!

Onboarding
The person who came up with this bit of corporate sh|tspeak needs to die, painfully, with blood and fire and death.
Old 9th July 2018
  #6
Lives for gear
 

lol

I haven't heard any of those except the last one which is cringe-worthy. This is a company, not a locomotive. Maybe some of these are regional?
Old 9th July 2018
  #7
Here's a new one. Just saw this in a job description...

Quote:
A “T” shaped person: Wide range of interests and in-depth knowledge of one aspect.
WTF does that mean? A transgender person? I just don't get it...
Old 9th July 2018
  #8
Gear Guru
 
Brent Hahn's Avatar
 

I work a lot with advertising and marketing people. They "concept." Some of them should never have been concepted.
Old 9th July 2018
  #9
Gear Head
 

Video very much related
Old 9th July 2018
  #10
Gear Maniac
 

Don't forget "leverage". I don't know if the misuse of this word is as prevalent as it once was, but it's always stood out to me. Granted, it has a specific meaning as a verb in the investment world, but in general parlance, "leverage" is a noun, not a verb. One doesn't say, "hand me that pipe and let's leverage this rock out of the ground" (it would be "lever this rock").
Old 9th July 2018
  #11
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latweek's Avatar
 

Rule #1 :

Don't start your sentence with the word "so".

I don't care how many degrees you have......Its lumberghy kardashispeak.

Last edited by latweek; 9th July 2018 at 10:43 PM..
Old 9th July 2018
  #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by latweek View Post
Rule #1 :

Don't start your sentence with the word "so".

I don't care how many degrees you have......Its lumberghy kardashispeak.
Agreed, but that's not a corporate thing, that's EVERYWHERE (it takes effort to not post a snarky reply every time I see it online, including here, e.g. "so I'm going to buy a new mic..." Insert banging head against a brick wall here).
Old 9th July 2018
  #13
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latweek's Avatar
 

I'm thinking of the infamous:

Quote:
So, Peter, what’s happening?
Old 10th July 2018
  #14
Cmon guys... let’s not boil the ocean here.

Maybe if we approach this with a high-level overview instead of going into the weeds, we might be more Agile.

I’m going to circle back to the OP here... can you be more specific? I think maybe if we drill down, unrobe the kimono, and brainstorm a bit, we might be able to pass on the low hanging fruit and meet our deliverable.

God, I hate that crap.
Old 10th July 2018
  #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DomiBabi View Post
Cmon guys... let’s not boil the ocean here.

Maybe if we approach this with a high-level overview instead of going into the weeds, we might be more Agile.

I’m going to circle back to the OP here... can you be more specific? I think maybe if we drill down, unrobe the kimono, and brainstorm a bit, we might be able to pass on the low hanging fruit and meet our deliverable.

God, I hate that crap.
Well, I dunno, my Dad was a the CEO of some big corporations.

The trick was making money for your boss. "I am here to help you, to help your company make more money".. basically his resume with them, and it worked, he made a lot of money too.
Old 10th July 2018
  #16
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noisewagon View Post
Well, I dunno, my Dad was a the CEO of some big corporations.

The trick was making money for your boss. "I am here to help you, to help your company make more money".. basically his resume with them, and it worked, he made a lot of money too.
My day job is as an advisor for a multi-billion dollar government contractor.

Keep the boss happy be being the boss. Best advice I ever got.

All the euphemistic language and buzz words are there to assert intellectual dominance, ie. appear more professional.

For some of us, it’s a necessary evil.
Old 10th July 2018
  #17
Here’s another...

Quote:
We’re growing our engineering team and seeking members who want to set the tone for what technology in the wholesale industry looks like. You’ll tackle complex problems and build the systems that support emerging, independent businesses all the way up to global brands and retailers. Our clients rely on our products to grow their business and we are committed to building a fast and scalable product that they love, all while using best practices and the latest technologies. Our engineers are given a greenfield of opportunity to advance their skills, work collaboratively and see their solutions make an immediate impact for brands and retailers.
More team sports adjectives plus, global, emerging, best practices and greenfield...

As opposed to brownfield? What the heck does a green field have to do with software engineering?
Perhaps in farming it might make sense. But this makes zero sense to me and again sounds really, really stupid. Say it out loud. That whole sentence and you’ll feel really stupid, I promise.

And the last time I actually practiced best practices I got ridiculed for writing “fancy code” and forced to do it over again in the extremely ugly and inefficient manner approved by the software architect.
Nobody actually really wants best practices in real life - it’s just another empty buzzword.
Old 10th July 2018
  #18
So because my spellcheck actually recognizes greenfield as a word I went and looked it up.
The geniuses who wrote that job description didn’t even use it correctly
Old 11th July 2018
  #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollowman9 View Post

And the last time I actually practiced best practices I got ridiculed for writing “fancy code” and forced to do it over again in the extremely ugly and inefficient manner approved by the software architect.
Nobody actually really wants best practices in real life - it’s just another empty buzzword.
Well..... Once I did a programming job for a company and they asked me to to do some things that I thought were wrong, the project just wasn't going to work. I approached my boss and voiced my concerns, and he overruled me.

That night I was a little upset about it and called my Grandfather. He said "Boy! You do it like they want. You make it exactly the way they want. And when it doesn't work ...You'll get paid again to make it right."

And sure enough I got paid again to fix it. I got paid twice for the same job.

Great advice.
Old 11th July 2018
  #20
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robert82's Avatar
You're all missing out. Too many people get paid very nice salaries to sit in offices and attend multiple meetings and regurgitate marketing-speak. I don't have any idea what actually is getting "accomplished" but there's money to be had in the burgeoning field of corporate obfuscation.

"Actionable"
"Efforting"
"Across multiple platforms"
"Liaise"
"Going forward"
"Incentivise"

It's all a nauseatable teaching moment.
Old 11th July 2018
  #21
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noisewagon View Post
Well..... Once I did a programming job for a company and they asked me to to do some things that I thought were wrong, the project just wasn't going to work. I approached my boss and voiced my concerns, and he overruled me.

That night I was a little upset about it and called my Grandfather. He said "Boy! You do it like they want. You make it exactly the way they want. And when it doesn't work ...You'll get paid again to make it right."

And sure enough I got paid again to fix it. I got paid twice for the same job.

Great advice.
These days the boss that verbally tells you to change the code later throws you under the bus when it breaks in Q/A and the CTO wants to know why.
I didn’t tell him to change his code, it tested good before he changed it....

Is that greenfielding? Or being a T-shaped person?
Or is that setting the tone of what technology in the wholesale industry looks like?
Old 11th July 2018
  #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollowman9 View Post
These days the boss that verbally tells you to change the code later throws you under the bus when it breaks in Q/A and the CTO wants to know why.
I didn’t tell him to change his code, it tested good before he changed it....

Is that greenfielding? Or being a T-shaped person?
Or is that setting the tone of what technology in the wholesale industry looks like?
I don't know the current terms, I just know the old ones.

The next time he asks you to do it wrong... do it wrong, and the when he realizes it's wrong you're golden, because you know how to do it right.


By the way my grandfather was not a programmer, he was a carpenter, and he told me all the stories where he was in the position you are in.
Old 11th July 2018
  #23
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noisewagon View Post
I don't know the current terms, I just know the old ones.

The next time he asks you to do it wrong... do it wrong, and the when he realizes it's wrong you're golden, because you know how to do it right.


By the way my grandfather was not a programmer, he was a carpenter, and he told me all the stories where he was in the position you are in.
There’s no incentive to do it right anyway because then the boss takes all the credit for it.

Moot point though since I told them all to fornicate with themselves and quit.
I’m gonna live off my savings until I burn off all the anger and anxiety instilled in me by the people at that job and the incredibly evil commute to and from it. I’m burnt out. For the past year I’ve watched 90% of my work efforts thrown in the trash because of the sheer stupidity known as middle management and office politics.
If I’d stayed another day I would have been a brother of Milton and torched the place to the ground.
Old 11th July 2018
  #24
Not sure if you are trying to be funny, or really don't know how to answer question like these, but I'll bite, because some of these questions are easy to answer (the others are easy to answer too, but depend a lot more on the role you are interviewing for):

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrischoir View Post
"So what makes you different than the other candidates??" um I dunno let me read their resumes and I'll f'ing tell you
This is where you:
-talk about your past experiences that make you suitable for the role
-give examples why

Quote:
Originally Posted by chrischoir View Post
"Do you have any questions about the company?" Um yeah how many raises am I going to get??
You should always have questions, this shows you did your research and actually want the job. But also, it's not them firing questions at you, you also should interview them, to see if you are a good fit.
Bonus points if you are up to date on the current affairs of the company and have questions surrounding that. But also more general questions like:
-Why did this position become vacant?
-What are the current projects that I would be working on?
-Where do you see the company going over the next years? And what gets you most excited about that?
-What do you like most about working here? And what are the things you don't like so much?
Old 11th July 2018
  #25
Quote:
Originally Posted by bill5 View Post
Others?
-"design thinking"
-"bandwidth"
-"daily standup"
-"onboarding"
Old 12th July 2018
  #26
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollowman9 View Post
There’s no incentive to do it right anyway because then the boss takes all the credit for it.

Moot point though since I told them all to fornicate with themselves and quit.
I’m gonna live off my savings until I burn off all the anger and anxiety instilled in me by the people at that job and the incredibly evil commute to and from it. I’m burnt out. For the past year I’ve watched 90% of my work efforts thrown in the trash because of the sheer stupidity known as middle management and office politics.
If I’d stayed another day I would have been a brother of Milton and torched the place to the ground.
Of course the boss takes credit, it's his company. He put up all the funds to start it, he's taking all the financial risks and he hired you to make money for him.

Telling your boss to fukk off is usually not advisable. I can't tell you how many times my father wanted to tell his boss that as he moved from a programmer, to a salesman, to the sales manager, to the regional sales manager, to the general manager to the CEO.
Old 12th July 2018
  #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Noisewagon View Post
I would have been a brother of Milton and torched the place to the ground.
PS, I do love that movie too, but let's talk about reality for a moment and not a movie or a song.



Old 12th July 2018
  #28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Noisewagon View Post
Of course the boss takes credit, it's his company. He put up all the funds to start it, he's taking all the financial risks and he hired you to make money for him.

Telling your boss to fukk off is usually not advisable. I can't tell you how many times my father wanted to tell his boss that as he moved from a programmer, to a salesman, to the sales manager, to the regional sales manager, to the general manager to the CEO.
In boss I’m referring to middle management mandroids not the CEO.
These are the people who do nothing useful whatsoever yet make more money than the engineers simply because they have a degree in management or related corporate robot crap.

It may not be advisable to tell your boss to fuk off but it’s very cathartic. Almost as satisfying as the American dream of killing your boss.
Old 12th July 2018
  #29
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chrischoir's Avatar
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by mickbenjamins View Post
Not sure if you are trying to be funny, or really don't know how to answer question like these, but I'll bite, because some of these questions are easy to answer (the others are easy to answer too, but depend a lot more on the role you are interviewing for):

This is where you:
-talk about your past experiences that make you suitable for the role
-give examples why

You should always have questions, this shows you did your research and actually want the job. But also, it's not them firing questions at you, you also should interview them, to see if you are a good fit.
Bonus points if you are up to date on the current affairs of the company and have questions surrounding that. But also more general questions like:
-Why did this position become vacant?
-What are the current projects that I would be working on?
-Where do you see the company going over the next years? And what gets you most excited about that?
-What do you like most about working here? And what are the things you don't like so much?
Thanks Mick but I was just kidding around, I have been playing the corporate game for 35 years now
Old 12th July 2018
  #30
Gear Head
 

Back in 1999, I designed an HTML/Javascript page that synthesized random "Bull**** Bingo" cards.

Oh, you've never heard of "Bull**** Bingo?" Well, it's a lot like regular bingo, except you play it during corporate meetings. Your card has words and phrases like "synergy", "leverage", "revisit", "empower", "out of the box", "results driven", "value-add"... you get the picture.

All the attendees are handed out the cards before the meeting, and you tick off one box during the course of the meeting whenever a word or phrase is given by the meeting presenter matches one of the boxes on your card. When you get five in a row, you stand up and yell "Bull****!"
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