a simple tune

[Jason Poulin]

just finished this mix today.

Feedback? improvments?

I played guitar and my wife sang.

I may re-do the verb on main vox through the KSP-8... Didn't bother patching it through grudge


thanks

[genericperson]

nice to have a wife that can sing!


it sounds like it wants more vocals. like more overdubs, more parts, some bass vocal parts.


especially, the solo voice entrance is a bit of a let-down. it sounds like the first time the vocals appear, they should enter in a bigger way.

i'm thinking some sort of queen meets sarah mclachlan meets the scottish countryside.

but the lyics have many flaws, some of them fatal. cut out the "play guitar for me" theme. the "be free, be fearless, be unguarded" lyrics are *great* for the track. the guitar playing references jolt and kill the song. the song is schizophrenic right now. it's got this "play guitar for me" theme and then a "be free and fearless" theme. just focus on the freedom stuff, and lose the guitar references. it's like the song wants to be a car and a ham sandwich at the same time. pick *one*! even the "ar" sound on the first time she sings guitar sounds out of place. the "ee" sounds sound much better on this track.

the words "note" "chord"... also sound out of place sonically (and should be cut out anyway as part of the thematic weeding out process).

inspired, fearless, free, me, through, open, love, infinitely...those words are working in this song.

i'm having a bit of disagreement with the word "are" as well. the song is giving instuction to "be" something. then the subject of the song "is" something by using the word "are". it's a lesser point, but something to ponder. should the listener "be" something (be free...), or is that person already there (you "are"...)

in one spot, it says "be beautiful" then esays "you are so beautiful".... it's a confusion.

"integrity" is not working. it's a mental-philosophy word that hangs the listener up in some sort of moral pondering. stick with the "easy" words like "free, inspired, fearless".

also, think of all the great jimi paige guitar parts, and how robert plant never wrote a "keep twiddlin that 6-string jimi!" lyric. was he inspired by jimi's playing? of course. but jimi's playing spoke for itself, and then robert could take the lyrics to the places they really wanted to go.

imagine these lyrics to stairway:
"and as we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul, jimi's rockin on his les paul, and his marshall's soundin' awesome!"

if you want to keep the song meaningful to only you and your wife, fine. but if you want this song to mean something to a wide audience, lose all the guitar playing lyrics in the song, and expound upon the lyrical theme about freedom and being open.

right now the effect i get from the lyrics is that i am a waiter tending to a large table where it's someones birthday. i notice there is a spirit of goodwill, and i catch fragments of conversation as i bring the dishes in and out. but i know it's not *my* party, and i am an outsider to the occasion. so i don't feel anything personally inspiring. if anything i feel a bit of an outsider. kind of like "well they are amongst friends having a good time. can't wait to finish this shift and get out here so i can see my friends".

your wife is being generous to you. but the song shuts me out, the outside listener.

i'd love to hear this track with vocal enemble mania with the ksp-8 adding spaital mojo, and the lyric suggestions above. maybe some strings in the back to put it over the top as the song builds.

if you wanted to, you could keep the vocal density/arrangement as it is. but the lyrics *must* be changed. the stuff i'm talking about above is killing the song without a doubt.

a good check-test for lyrics is "would an oustide artist feel comfortable and inspired to sing these lyrics?" could you picture sarah mclachlan singing every one of these lyrics? i can't. picture her at the mic or the piano on stage, and then the "play guitar for me" lyrics come up. who's the guitarist? some unknown side-man? who gives a terd? what's she going to do, look at the side man strumming and sing to him? no way, that's retarded. but if the song focuses on the "be free" stuff, she can lift her arms to the sky and have the audience join here in a moving experience.

guess what? each listener is a miniature "recording artist". we all need to be able to sing along in our heads and be inspired.

if this song sucked, i woudn't even bother with all this. but this song has a chance of being something excellent.

[Jason Poulin]

Thanks for your reply

I wasn't expecting to get a response on lyric production, but hey that was awesome.

I'll take it all into account

The song was written for the first dance at our wedding last May. So it was a little more personalized. I don't know if we'd ever release the song but I can see where you're coming from.

Great feedback man, I appreciate it. Maybe we'll make a version that's good for everyone.

Thanks again

Jason

[genericperson]

Glad to be of help Jason.

That's actually a sign of maturity that you didn't get all bent out of shape. I could have sugar coated it a bit more, but it was late at night and I was just going with a "just the facts" kind of thing. I figured you'd appreciate an honest critical listening rather than just a "sounds good dude" response.

The truth is the track has really good potential, otherwise I wouldn't have shot about 30-40 minutes on the feedback. Really good recording/singing.

You/your wife also hit the right idea for the song with the "be free" stuff. The overly personal guitar stuff just needs to be gutted to turn it into a song for the rest of the world. And the word integrity needs to get tossed.

It could survive completely on the "be free, be inspired" themes. But I think you could even take it to the next level by including a personal touch at the end of the lines in certain spots like this:

"And do all this with me,
do all this with me
with me"

That could be a very touching and generous song. The singer is wanting the subject to be free and reach all their potential, but also loves the person and wants to go through the journey together.

It would have to be hammered into shape to fit the song. But something like this:

"Be free, be fearless, be inspired
be open

Be unguarded, through darkness
Reach higher, never tire

And do all this with me
do all this with me
with me"


See the idea?

[Jason Poulin]

I hear ya

It's a good concept and probably better for an audience.

we'll work on it and try to re-release something more captivating.

I appreciate your time and effort to really elaborate on the improvements that can be done to better this song.

Awesome stuff man

Thanks again
that's why I love this forum.

Jason