Slamming teenie pop/rock song

[chymer]

Chymer, what's 'tweenie' mean, anyway?

Well from what I know "tween" is a term to describe the "demographic" of the audience the music is aimed at which bridges the gap between "teen" and kids ages about 8-10, so I guess somewhere around 13 actually.

If her voice sounds nasal, I think nasal is cool!

yeah, I actually dont mind nasal either, it kinda has a bit of edge, each to their own I guess.

I think I'd concentrate on improving the lyric. It is a definite possibilty that it's my fault that I don't get it though. I can't make out all of the second half of each verse for one thing. You have a hook that could be decent, but I don't see how the rest of the lyric supports it. She starts out saying how this guy started out doing things right but then went down hill, opposite to what I would think the hook implies. The biggest thing I am missing is the 'two days..' thing. What's this two days about? I didn't catch anything anywhere else establishing this time table. Also in the bridge it says "I'm leaving you today..." Also, I'm not understanding the 'finally, a place I can escape to'. I am still trying to figure out where this place she is going that she can't get to until two more days is and how it ties in with the story. Please, if I am just totally missing the obvious, someone point it out. The way I am understandng it, the thing needs a total reworking.

The song is pretty straight foreward i think. basically her freind is giving her the shits and she wants to escape and its been going on for 2 days. the lyric in the chorus is "find me a place I can escape to, cuase Im through with you". The freind is trying to make up but isnt really trying too hard and basically they're doing "too little too late" to re-establish the freindship they once had. The bridge just drives home the fact that the freind should regret what they have done and maybe they now know how it feels to be on the other end and that they are being left behind.
Its ok to use your imagination when it comes to the lyric, you used it when deducting that it was a guy she was singing about when actually its about a girlfreind who she goes to school with, so when she sings "2 days and I'm through" shes had enough after 2 days of shit and she is isnt going to put up with it anymore.
if you still dont understand then dont worry, its just not your thing I guess, i actually didnt think the lyrics were out of whack but i will have a closer look at them, thanks for your crtitque mate.

cheers
Chymer

[AtlantaPowerPop]

Who listens to lyrics anyway? It's rock and roll, baby! thumbsup

[5down1up]

i like it

great talent & great song ... makes me kinda SMILE " lalala lalala "

if it would have all those elements you guys recommend it would kinda sound like everything else .

nice job & music @ least

[NeoVXR]

2 cents from outer space
to me, the value of the project would be the songwriting and the chemistry between writer and singer, that supports a good performance (the vocal producer makes her act, the writer makes her believe - both have a position). perhaps the playing style of the guitarist.
a studio that can produce a sound that is no more modern than that can be found and booked every day. some more arrangement about sounds could do a lot.
it makes me grab my winamp and click avril lavigne and good old B52's....
this makes it a matter of initial investment capital and contracting, then chances may be good if the label jumps in.
the idea with the organ is relevant. the verse could be keyboard; the chorus guitar oriented.
looking forward could mean looking back: lene lovich, the sugarcubes, nena, beach boys..

[pomoone]

A&R people are looking for the finished ring more then the uncut diamond these days. The amount of bands signed have decreased in the past few years. Polish the song like it was the finished goods before shopping it.

I am listening on the laptop speakers. pop tracks need to have the vocals big in the mix. This song is lacking the push of the vocals. I like the back vox but I am waiting for the back tracks to move the song. Needs the guitars to rock in your face more with the drums following suit. End of the song the back vox kills the main vox, Vox Up!!

There could be something interesting with the main vox but I cant feel it at this point.

Song structure is close I would get a studio drummer in if budget permits, GL!!!

[eyesore]

Originally Posted by chymer

Well from what I know "tween" is a term to describe the "demographic" of the audience the music is aimed at which bridges the gap between "teen" and kids ages about 8-10, so I guess somewhere around 13 actually.


yeah, I actually dont mind nasal either, it kinda has a bit of edge, each to their own I guess.



The song is pretty straight foreward i think. basically her freind is giving her the shits and she wants to escape and its been going on for 2 days. the lyric in the chorus is "find me a place I can escape to, cuase Im through with you". The freind is trying to make up but isnt really trying too hard and basically they're doing "too little too late" to re-establish the freindship they once had. The bridge just drives home the fact that the freind should regret what they have done and maybe they now know how it feels to be on the other end and that they are being left behind.
Its ok to use your imagination when it comes to the lyric, you used it when deducting that it was a guy she was singing about when actually its about a girlfreind who she goes to school with, so when she sings "2 days and I'm through" shes had enough after 2 days of shit and she is isnt going to put up with it anymore.
if you still dont understand then dont worry, its just not your thing I guess, i actually didnt think the lyrics were out of whack but i will have a closer look at them, thanks for your crtitque mate.

cheers
Chymer

Yeah whether the subject is male or female is irrelevant. I should have said 'person' instead of 'guy' and I apologize because, I disagree with what you said about using the imagination. The listener should not read things into a lyric that aren't there. I probably said 'guy' because I ASSumed that's what most people write about in similar songs. However, I myself have written some songs where the listener would probably think it's about the opposite sex when it's not and I purposely left it vague; I guess I just don't expect it from other writers as much. My bad.

Yes, improving the intelligibilty of the vocal seems to be your primary task. I was hearing that one word wrong as you pointed out, and there are some other lines where I won't even try to guess what she was saying.

Ok, I see how the two days could mean what you explained it was intended to mean rather than how I interpreted it, though I don't think there's any context that forces it to mean one or the other. But now the song seems even stranger to me. Two days does not seem like much time for the events of the song. I realize now that when they are getting along is before the two days. "Way back when I first met you" implies that their friendship has lasted for some time. But the friend wrongs her, and halfheartedly attempts to make up for it too late all in two days?! Seems very far fetched to me. Maybe increase the time frame to a more believeable interval. Of course, if this is telling a true story as you seemed to indicate and she wants to stick to the actual time frame, then I'd replace the hook, nice as it sounds, instead, with something that better sums up the experience.

"Find me a place..." has its problems, too. The rest of the lryic is directed at the ex-friend, so the implied subject of this line would be taken to be that friend, but I don't think she would be asking that of her. It should be something more like "Gotta find...", right? Of course the line still seems like a filler. This song is about the narrator putting her foot down. She secures her escape right then and there by taking control and ending the bad relationship.

One thing I forgot to mention before - the end of that bridge would be cool if it did the "Space Oddity" thing and the same sounding word worked for both the end of the bridge and the start of the chorus. I've used that technique, too, but I don't know about completely leaving that word out like you've done here. It doesn't sound right to me.

So the vocalist wrote the lyric then? Or maybe it's a collaboration between the two of you based on her experience?

Thank you.

[Remoteness]

Congratulations!

You have a hit on your hands...

Rework the mix -- base it on some of the suggestions above.

You got it this far -- you decide what works for you and yours.

With that said, I'd take a great tune with OK sound over an OK tune with great sound any day of the week.

This tune is awesome.

Again -- Congrats!!!!

[5down1up]

i really thought this is gonna go on forever this and that and this and that and and and ...

thx remoteness

[chymer]

So the vocalist wrote the lyric then? Or maybe it's a collaboration between the two of you based on her experience?

Yes the song is directly related the the 2 days she just had a school, which when your 13 and your copping shit at school seems like forever and when school is so much apart of your life at 13 then you really do want to just escape to a "place" anywhere. I think we have all been there, come on think back....:-)maybe I could work the school thing in perhapse but I dont want to make it an obvious kiddy song I guess, does avril sing about school...nup.

Anyway mate, she is 13 and the music is aimed at that demographic so its not that complicated, its all vibe, if you didnt feel it and your stuck on the lyric then Im guessing you dont hang out with 13 year olds very much, which is probably a good thing:-)


Im really glad you've spent the time to critique my work, I am, its a great resource so i thank all the guys who have bothered to comment on my work, its definately made me think more about how i approach the production of a song instead of just following my instincs completely (which I know is a good thing as well).
Cheers guys
Chymer