So....have a listen

[Young&PostModern]

Here is a song I wrote for my wife. I recorded it in by spare bed bedroom with a MOTU 828mkII and a Rode K2 Tube microphone with Digital Performer 5. Don’t let the non-slutty gear turn you off. Please give your opinion, good or bad.

I joined TAXI last year and I don’t think it is a good program for me. I don’t agree with there song writing ideals. They say that their pointers make you a better songwriter. I just find myself not wanting to use many of their suggestions. Because of this, I don’t know if there is any chance of becoming a pro songwriter. I have a degree in Music, like that mean anything, and have yet to use it once after getting out of school. I just don’t know how to make a living with music. I really hate my job. (who doesn’t) Sometimes I wish they would fire me so I could get workers comp and some time to find by niche. Anyway, that is enough venting. Enjoy!

StarChild
Written by Young & Post-Modern

When it’s cloudy you are so distance
Locked in unattainable despair
Twinkling eyes show passive resistance
As the rest of your soul cries in disrepair

I don’t remember the moment I loved you
but you have been worshiped and conquered kings
your eyes are diamonds your skin is ivory
sometimes it’s so hard to understand these things

So look up
Look up and see
The gray sky fall
Let it show you what it means
To shine completely
and I don’t know why you love me
Because you are a StarChild
You are, you are a Starchild
You are a StarChild to me

I can’t comprehend why I stay so grounded
Gravity has no affect on me today
Yeah, it’s not like my feet are so damn special
You just gotta fly when the stones are insane

So fly here
Fly here to me
I will kiss you
and show you what it means
To be loved completely
And when you open your eyes
I will whisper this to you
You are my StarChild
You are, you are a Starchild
You are a StarChild to me

But I work so hard for the air I’m breathing
And I’m sure
That mine aren’t the only lungs screaming
Will you lend me your breath?
It is the wind that caresses me in summer
You’re the star that guides me through armageddon's midnight
And that’s why I love you
That’s why I want you

You are....my StarChild
You are....my StarChild
You are.....a StarChild to me

copyright 2007

[croftish]

Yeah I thought this was OK. Really nice voice. Simple production, pretty well recorded.
Some of your lyrics are very strong, others I found to be a bit awkward/clumsy i.e. "Armaggedon Midnight"
I found myself wanting you to go to the chorus quicker. Another verse was a little wearing with the repetative melody. I think some production layers would help make the second verse more interesting. Perhaps a harmony?
The chorus again was OK but not really that strong chordally or melodically.
I wanted to hear more interesting chord progressions/ melodies than I did.
You're voice and your playing are very strong though.
Overall it didn't leap out at me, but was alot better than alot of the other stuff I've heard on here...and you're young! Keep going. Keep writing. Gig as much as you can. Get yourself noticed live.

Hope this helps. I'm just trying to be honest and constructive.
Cheers,
Jim

[Young&PostModern]

Originally Posted by croftish

Yeah I thought this was OK. Really nice voice. Simple production, pretty well recorded.
Some of your lyrics are very strong, others I found to be a bit awkward/clumsy i.e. "Armaggedon Midnight"
I found myself wanting you to go to the chorus quicker. Another verse was a little wearing with the repetative melody. I think some production layers would help make the second verse more interesting. Perhaps a harmony?
The chorus again was OK but not really that strong chordally or melodically.
I wanted to hear more interesting chord progressions/ melodies than I did.
You're voice and your playing are very strong though.
Overall it didn't leap out at me, but was alot better than alot of the other stuff I've heard on here...and you're young! Keep going. Keep writing. Gig as much as you can. Get yourself noticed live.

Hope this helps. I'm just trying to be honest and constructive.
Cheers,
Jim

Thanks for your input! Keep it coming!

'Armaggedon Midnight' is a typo. It should be 'Armaggedon's midnight'. I don't know how much difference that makes, but hey. Most of the other songs I record at home are fully produced. It just harder to mix on headphones when there is 30 tracks as opposed to 2 tracks and 2 busses. Knowing this is gearslutz I wanted quality over quantity. I do plan on redoing the song with harmony, drums, bass, etc. When I do it, I will post it. Maybe that will make the difference.

Anybody body else?

[croftish]

To be honest with you I'd keep the simple production. As for the lyrics, sorry, no, a missing 'S' isn't what's wrong here. It's the choice of words. It sticks out like a sore thumb!

Originally Posted by Young&PostModern

Thanks for your input! Keep it coming!

'Armaggedon Midnight' is a typo. It should be 'Armaggedon's midnight'. I don't know how much difference that makes, but hey. Most of the other songs I record at home are fully produced. It just harder to mix on headphones when there is 30 tracks as opposed to 2 tracks and 2 busses. Knowing this is gearslutz I wanted quality over quantity. I do plan on redoing the song with harmony, drums, bass, etc. When I do it, I will post it. Maybe that will make the difference.

Anybody body else?

[butterfly]

unable to open this file so can't listen to your song, however will attempt to give you some input on the lyrics. Ok verse I: I'm not sure eyes would be twinkling in this context, so maybe find another adjective. Similarly "disrepair" I know u've got to find something to rythme despair with but....

verse 2: Ok we are deep in cliche land here with imagery such as diamonds and ivory, it's been done to death, I think u need to search for something a bit more individual.

bridge into chorus seems ok. 3rd verse I like the line "don't know why my feet are so damn special" and again in the last verse "I work so hard for the air...lungs screaming...lend me your breath" thats nice, strong! Kind of agree with other poster about armageddons midnite. Would have liked to listen to the song as it's not ideal to crit lyrics out of context. What is the song about, is it about your wife, is it metaphysical? wasn't sure but the line about being worshipped by kings would suggest it's not about your wife and you are talking about a particular star? but then there are the lines about kissing and whispering?

[Young&PostModern]

Originally Posted by butterfly

unable to open this file so can't listen to your song, however will attempt to give you some input on the lyrics. Ok verse I: I'm not sure eyes would be twinkling in this context, so maybe find another adjective. Similarly "disrepair" I know u've got to find something to rythme despair with but....

verse 2: Ok we are deep in cliche land here with imagery such as diamonds and ivory, it's been done to death, I think u need to search for something a bit more individual.

bridge into chorus seems ok. 3rd verse I like the line "don't know why my feet are so damn special" and again in the last verse "I work so hard for the air...lungs screaming...lend me your breath" thats nice, strong! Kind of agree with other poster about armageddons midnite. Would have liked to listen to the song as it's not ideal to crit lyrics out of context. What is the song about, is it about your wife, is it metaphysical? wasn't sure but the line about being worshipped by kings would suggest it's not about your wife and you are talking about a particular star? but then there are the lines about kissing and whispering?

I changed the song format to a mp3 so no one should have a problem listening to it.

I think 'twinkling eyes' are the only eyes a 'Star Child' could have. And something that is in 'disrepair' is broken. In my mind saying her soul cries out in disrepair is saying it is broken.

2nd verse. I don't know what to tell you. If you have any suggestions I'll take it. The song is metaphysical. It is about the times in a relationship that are hard. But the point of the song is that each person has a responsibility to build each other up when the other is down. Sometimes cliches are nessecary. I'm not going to go into my thought possess for every line. But I do see your point.

In song writing I often find myself at a crossroads. Melody or Lyrics....Melody or Lyrics....The better the melody the harder it is to get the right words to 'fit'. I have to choose a word that is a second choice because it 'sounds' better. Maybe that is just my weakness as writer. For me writing is an organic process. Sometimes its a 'flash of light', but most of the time I build off an idea. I'll write a chorus and build out in both directions.

[butterfly]

...ok but if she is in despair her eyes aren't going to twinkle are they?

I'm sorry but disrepair puts me in mind of a ruined cottage or a rusty tractor....not a beloved.

In song writing I often find myself at a crossroads. Melody or Lyrics....Melody or Lyrics....The better the melody the harder it is to get the right words to 'fit'. I have to choose a word that is a second choice because it 'sounds' better

In my mind it's not an either or thing, both are equally important and shouldn't be at the expense of the other. I agree that the sound of a word is important and one word may be more accurate, descriptive or "origonal" than another but may have the wrong colour or vibe. This is why I think it's important to write and re-write something until it is as "right" as can be: that is u have meaning, colour, emotion and sound perfectly fused. This is time consuming and takes practice but I think is worth the effort.

2nd verse. I don't know what to tell you. If you have any suggestions I'll take it.

..off to bed now, and busy as hell but if anything occurs to me over the next few days will pm u, probably need to hear the song though

[Young&PostModern]

Originally Posted by butterfly

...ok but if she is in despair her eyes aren't going to twinkle are they?

I'm sorry but disrepair puts me in mind of a ruined cottage or a rusty tractor....not a beloved.



In my mind it's not an either or thing, both are equally important and shouldn't be at the expense of the other. I agree that the sound of a word is important and one word may be more accurate, descriptive or "origonal" than another but may have the wrong colour or vibe. This is why I think it's important to write and re-write something until it is as "right" as can be: that is u have meaning, colour, emotion and sound perfectly fused. This is time consuming and takes practice but I think is worth the effort.

..off to bed now, and busy as hell but if anything occurs to me over the next few days will pm u, probably need to hear the song though

I have only hear a hand full of songs that where 'perfect'. Most of the people that wrote them are dead, drugged out of there head, or have a God-like following of millions of people. So not having a 'perfect' song in this case is not that big of a deal to me. I think what I'm aiming for here is 'good enough' or 'better than average'. 'Perfect' in a lot or people's minds is a relative term. But 'perfection' is a standard. Just like all standards, only the standard truly measures up. It is something to strive for. It is the bases to which we determine what is good or bad. But most of the time, 'mostly good' or 'mostly bad' seem to decribe most art. So, although I would like to have this song be as close the the 'perfection' as possible, rewriting and rewriting in this case seems like a waste of time, when there are other flawed song yet to be discovered. But if you do come up with any ideas I will be happy to incorporate them.

Plus I think if you knew my wife it would make more sense. If something is wrong she pretends like nothing is wrong. She will smile with a unusal smile. Her eyes say "Nothing is wrong" but very other movment she makes is distance and meloncally. But I see right though it.

[diatonic]

...

[Young&PostModern]

Originally Posted by diatonic

Thanks for sharing your song. You have many interesting ideas in your song. Feedback always depends on objectives. As a song for your wife, I have no doubt this is a success. As a TAXI pitch, you enter a different game where the song has to be far better than 'good enough'. There may be a million songs looking for a home, tens of thousands that are excellent, and thousands are different shades of awesome. I imagine I have rewritten some of my songs thirty or forty times, and they are not yet at the bar.

I enjoyed this song. It had elements of REM in the verse. I think it was well done, and I think the production is fine although I would suggest less reverb on the vocals. A song with this flavor is more personal and reflects you as an artist. I think it would be harder to pitch to other artists unless you can find the right match-up.

Best of luck, good music.

Thanks for you comment.

I guess my problem is that I hear the stuff that win song writing contest, say the JLSC. I listen to the winners and I don't think they're that good. They sound pretty bland to me. There is nothing very interesting there. I would think in a contest like that the songs would be mind blowing. But they're not. The same thing with a lot of Rock I hear today. If someone said I sounded like Nickelback I would shoot myself. I know they make a lot of money but....tutt. Now, there are some artist on the radio that are pretty good, but mostly everything is Board Room Music "How can we sound more like (Insert money making artist here)". 9 times out of 10, production and image sell more records than lyrics, melody, or talent. If you took 95% of all pop music, removed the production and the image and were just left with a song, would it be better than 'good enough'?

I don't think so.

So why nit pick lyrics? How many people really listen to them anyway?
Melody? I have hear Number 1 songs that are so repetative and unorginial it makes me sick.
So I don't think that TAXI songs are any better then anything else. How many TAXI songs do we hear? How many of the TAXI songs we do hear will we remember after the first listen?

Time is the only judge of what art is good and bad.

[croftish]

If you took 95% of all pop music, removed the production and the image and were just left with a song, would it be better than 'good enough'?

I totally disagree. I think you'll find that 95% of most successful songs, once stripped of their production, are still good songs, that hold your interest. I'm not talking about raps or novelties, I'm talking about melodic songs.

[Young&PostModern]

48745057I totally disagree. I think you'll find that 95% of most successful songs, once stripped of their production, are still good songs, that hold your interest. I'm not talking about raps or novelties, I'm talking about melodic songs.[/quote]

Yes, they are still GOOD songs. Not mind-blowing songs. Yes good songs. Not as good as they were before they where stripped down. I'm not saying a simple songs cannot be fantasic. I'm just saying that most songs need just a little help to make them better.

[strings]

I agree with both you and the others on this thread.
Let's face it, writing a good song is hard, writing a great one...well I hope to someday know what that's like.
If your writing a song for your wife and you like what you've got, that should be good enough. If your writing for a larger audience, it's tougher.
I don't have to tell you that, you already know. But if you ask people to comment on your song, unless the comments are rude or out of line, I'd just be glad they are responding and hopefully try to get something out of it.
Even the best songwriters out there struggle and sometimes put a song off for months/years.
Don't get me wrong, I think you have allot of talent and the song is good, but that's as far as I would go. Who am I to judge, well I'm just another listener, simple as that.


I'll probably get flamed for this, but this song just came to mind.
"Country Roads" John Denver
Some may hate it, but I think it's in the great category.
That came from just one night downloading the chords/lyrics from here:
Country Roads by John Denver - chordie

Then playing along and singing it. I was blown away by how well the song was put together. It just flows so nice and the lyrics fall into place with no effort. I was completely jealous of not having written a song like that.
But maybe someday the stars will line up and I'll be so lucky.

Well I wrote away more then I had planned, so sorry for getting into such a rave. Keep plugging away.

[deuce42]

Man I really dig it. I wanted to hear a bigger chorus and maybe the chorus could have come into the song earlier, but I like the sort of dissonance of it particularly as the guitar chords don't resolve to simple major chords at every phrase point. As for th recording perhaps the reverb was a little too wet for me vocally.

I don't get this discussion about lyrics. This is the most subject test ever. Whether lyrics make sense is a pointless argument since some of the greatest songs ever had absurd lyrics and curiously thats why they stick and we remember them and like them. Words, as abstact as they can be can become poignant even if the context they are in doesn't fit. Moreover, debating whether you wife could or couldn't be in a situation sanitises lyrics to a neatly flowing story with a start, a beginning and an ending. Can be somewhat boring and is every song you write supposed to tell some elaborate tale with a meaningful moral? If every song did this you may lose the distinction between any of your songs. The problem with ensuring the words are perfectly fitting for the story is that sometimes the perfection sanitises things in my mind. That doesn't mean you spit out any words into a microphone and simply press record, but, I do think that having fellow slutz berate your wording's apparent authenticity and whether it makes sense is like autotuning a vocal line, quantising a drum line, and recording multiple tracks of the same thing. Sometimes those recording tricks really work, but those recording techniques are also often synonomous with manufactured bimbo pop aren't they!

[Young&PostModern]

Now this is starting to get interesting. The more people we get talking the better. I like getting a lot of different opinions.

Anyway, here is another song. I wrote this song when I was was 16 (10 years ago, man has it been that long?). This was back when all that Backsteet Boys crap was popular. So I wrote is song as sort of a anti backsteet pop song. Anyway here it is:

[croftish]

Originally Posted by deuce42

Man I really dig it. I wanted to hear a bigger chorus and maybe the chorus could have come into the song earlier, but I like the sort of dissonance of it particularly as the guitar chords don't resolve to simple major chords at every phrase point. As for th recording perhaps the reverb was a little too wet for me vocally.

I don't get this discussion about lyrics. This is the most subject test ever. Whether lyrics make sense is a pointless argument since some of the greatest songs ever had absurd lyrics and curiously thats why they stick and we remember them and like them. Words, as abstact as they can be can become poignant even if the context they are in doesn't fit. Moreover, debating whether you wife could or couldn't be in a situation sanitises lyrics to a neatly flowing story with a start, a beginning and an ending. Can be somewhat boring and is every song you write supposed to tell some elaborate tale with a meaningful moral? If every song did this you may lose the distinction between any of your songs. The problem with ensuring the words are perfectly fitting for the story is that sometimes the perfection sanitises things in my mind. That doesn't mean you spit out any words into a microphone and simply press record, but, I do think that having fellow slutz berate your wording's apparent authenticity and whether it makes sense is like autotuning a vocal line, quantising a drum line, and recording multiple tracks of the same thing. Sometimes those recording tricks really work, but those recording techniques are also often synonomous with manufactured bimbo pop aren't they!

Yes but, just as in literature , where there are great novels and trashy novels, a well written lyric makes all the difference IMHO. Nobody can dictate what a song should contain, but within a particular concept one can use lyrical skill to maximise it's potential.
Look at Paul Simon. He'll spend months patiently waiting to find that one word or phrase that beautifully and succinctly sums up what he wants to say within his song structure. Nothing is forced. It's about a lyric working with the melody and rhythmic structure, not against it (unless that is what you are setting out to do of course !)
There is no right or wrong. Just good art and less good art