Should I just trash this? Real opinions only please..

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by musicmonster

I'm lost. If this is s hit then I can just move on. Please tell me..

Is this the demo post spot? Or just songs

[Tinderwet]

Are you happy with it? That's the most important. In my opinion though, it's currently missing some structure I could grasp onto. The ending is way too long as well. I like the steel drums and I can feel the mood you captured though, so it's not shit at all, just needs to be turned into a song.

[Benson Paris]

I like it, I instantly had pictures in my head up until 1:10. But I don't dig the change in the atmosphere after that. The focus gets lost and I'm not interested to listen to the song till the end.
Give me more of that first part!

[TheBrightSide]

I was honestly impressed. Not shit.
But if you really want some feedback, the first half of the song beat the second half.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by Benson Paris

I like it, I instantly had pictures in my head up until 1:10. But I don't dig the change in the atmosphere after that. The focus gets lost and I'm not interested to listen to the song till the end.
Give me more of that first part!

Heya thanks. I like that you got the pictures.

What is wrong with the change in atmos? Is it too much? I wanna keep the pix going.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by Tinderwet

Are you happy with it? That's the most important. In my opinion though, it's currently missing some structure I could grasp onto. The ending is way too long as well. I like the steel drums and I can feel the mood you captured though, so it's not shit at all, just needs to be turned into a song.

No I dont like it. I think its a song.. a no good song

[chuckduffy]

can i ask what the drums are in the beginning? Anyway - I'm not really sure where you are going with this thing, but it's almost like you have some kind of time warp going on. I'm with the other guy up to 1:10. Then things start to get weird, and I got no problem with weird - but then something funny happens - I kinda got lost and it feels like about half an hour went by, and I look up and and it's only 2:40! I don't mean this in a bad way, cant find a better way to describe it.

[Lamster]

To Be honest I had to force myself to listen to the whole thing.
Needs some more work. But don't trash it.
To me doesn't seem to have any defined direction and structure but if this is a first off recording of idea's then there are a few in there. Your a brave man posting it at such an early stage! If you structure it better and write more parts like a better hook or chorus it could work.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by Lamster

To Be honest I had to force myself to listen to the whole thing.
Needs some more work. But don't trash it.
To me doesn't seem to have any defined direction and structure but if this is a first off recording of idea's then there are a few in there. Your a brave man posting it at such an early stage! If you structure it better and write more parts like a better hook or chorus it could work.

could you tell me more like what a hook in this song..I got no chorus I know

[Dpro]

A Hit? LOL a decent idea that needs more work. You are a brave man for posting this. I would personally not post anything till I felt it was done and ready for release.

I do think you need to do a lot of work in the Vocals department, very dissonant, off key and erratic. Musically you have some interesting stuff going on there but its rather loose composition wise and tonally.

Don't trash but concentrate on reworking it.

Good idea's just need to work it. Sorry if I come off harsh I am just honestly telling you what I hear

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by chuckduffy

can i ask what the drums are in the beginning? Anyway - I'm not really sure where you are going with this thing, but it's almost like you have some kind of time warp going on. I'm with the other guy up to 1:10. Then things start to get weird, and I got no problem with weird - but then something funny happens - I kinda got lost and it feels like about half an hour went by, and I look up and and it's only 2:40! I don't mean this in a bad way, cant find a better way to describe it.

sorry what the drums are? you mean the drumset?

The drums are a Pearl set from Japan.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by Dpro

A Hit? LOL a decent idea that needs more work. You are a brave man for posting this. I would personally not post anything till I felt it was done and ready for release.

I do think you need to do a lot of work in the Vocals department, very dissonant, off key and erratic. Musically you have some interesting stuff going on there but its rather loose composition wise and tonally.

Don't trash but concentrate on reworking it.

Good idea's just need to work it. Sorry if I come off harsh I am just honestly telling you what I here.

Ok. I havent got the autotune so cant fix the vocals yet. Yes a bit loose.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by musicmonster

Ok. I havent got the autotune so cant fix the vocals yet. Yes a bit loose.

I didnt say hit I said s-hit, you know..

[chuckduffy]

Originally Posted by musicmonster

sorry what the drums are? you mean the drumset?

The drums are a Pearl set from Japan.

They sound cool in the beginning. Nice vibe going there. I really hear a great big round fat bass driving this song. You could get away with the wandering if there was always something holding it together.

Can I ask you a question though - what are you going for with this?

[chuckduffy]

Originally Posted by Dpro

A Hit? LOL a decent idea that needs more work. You are a brave man for posting this. I would personally not post anything till I felt it was done and ready for release.

I do think you need to do a lot of work in the Vocals department, very dissonant, off key and erratic. Musically you have some interesting stuff going on there but its rather loose composition wise and tonally.

Don't trash but concentrate on reworking it.

Good idea's just need to work it. Sorry if I come off harsh I am just honestly telling you what I here.

Yeah - he asked if it was shit, not hit :-) I guess I feel differently about posting in different states. I've gotten a ton of great feedback in the one man music thread by posting stuff midstream. Stuff that made the song, for me at least.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by chuckduffy

They sound cool in the beginning. Nice vibe going there. I really hear a great big round fat bass driving this song. You could get away with the wandering if there was always something holding it together.

Can I ask you a question though - what are you going for with this?

Dont know just letting it grow itself..no masterplan

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by chuckduffy

They sound cool in the beginning. Nice vibe going there. I really hear a great big round fat bass driving this song. You could get away with the wandering if there was always something holding it together.

Can I ask you a question though - what are you going for with this?

This is my brothers chica bass. I can use ity for this track

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by musicmonster

This is my brothers chica bass. I can use ity for this track

his is my brothers chica bass. I can use ity for this track[/QUOTE]

[rnaple]

Trash it....
Vocals waver on key too much...
Vocals nasal falsetto...sounds like guys trying to sing like girls...
Song sounds like somebody just got a new shipment of hash and this is what came out.
Don't trash the creativity. Think you're on to something. Keep trying.

[musicmonster]

Originally Posted by rnaple

Trash it....
Vocals waver on key too much...
Vocals nasal falsetto...sounds like guys trying to sing like girls...
Song sounds like somebody just got a new shipment of hash and this is what came out.
Don't trash the creativity. Think you're on to something. Keep trying.

Maybe I start again ok

are there any things you think I can keep from demo, sorry my voice is bad.

[rnaple]

Your voice? You just need to learn how to sing. No big deal. Takes work. Know how.
I think everyone who hears this can hear your creativity. That sounds great. Don't give up on what is coming from your heart. It is really good. You have something there!
You just need to learn how to form a song. Learn from Books? Which? Can start with Tunesmith by Jimmy Webb. There are others on writing songs. Can check them out from your local library....they will get you anything from anywhere.

This is the place to be brutally honest. Not later, after you spend money.

[initialsBB]

I honestly love it. Like some others have said, it's a little tough to tell where you're coming from or what you're trying to do, so I apologize if this comes across wrong, but it sounds really disjointed and fractured in a great way. It has a sort of unhinged vibe that is hard to capture and reminds me of artists like Skip Spence, Ariel Pink, R Stevie Moore, and Arthur Russell. If you have an album's worth of stuff like that you can definitely do something with it. I apologize if that's totally not where you're coming from and those comparisons offend you, but either way, keep going.

[creegstor]

Originally Posted by initialsBB

I honestly love it. Like some others have said, it's a little tough to tell where you're coming from or what you're trying to do, so I apologize if this comes across wrong, but it sounds really disjointed and fractured in a great way. It has a sort of unhinged vibe that is hard to capture and reminds me of artists like Skip Spence, Ariel Pink, R Stevie Moore, and Arthur Russell. If you have an album's worth of stuff like that you can definitely do something with it.

+1

All the people telling you to structure this and add more hooks really don't know what they're talking about. This is a musical bonsai. It's a mini snippet of something interesting; really well written and your voice is great. It does lose its way after 1:10 but up til then it's perfectly realized. Maybe you could take some of the best bits after that and condense them down to make something slightly more coherent. Easily the best original piece I've heard by anyone on Gearslutz.

[MechanEvil]

I found it interesting, very David Bowie-ish. I think the problem is at 1.10 in itself, seems like the transition of the music becomes a little jarring, but after that it settles down, might just need work on that transition. Some other places the playing gets a bit loose as well, like a bass note falling too far off the rails.

The vocals themselves were really nice, imo, maybe tighten up a bit here and there, but otherwise they were realll good. I'm a big fan of David Bowie and this piece reminds me a bit of the era when he really flew off the handle and started sounding mental... That is, before he changed back to his usual super-cool, oh so smooth self.

- Reggae Mangle

[chuckduffy]

Originally Posted by initialsBB

I honestly love it. Like some others have said, it's a little tough to tell where you're coming from or what you're trying to do, so I apologize if this comes across wrong, but it sounds really disjointed and fractured in a great way. It has a sort of unhinged vibe that is hard to capture and reminds me of artists like Skip Spence, Ariel Pink, R Stevie Moore, and Arthur Russell. If you have an album's worth of stuff like that you can definitely do something with it. I apologize if that's totally not where you're coming from and those comparisons offend you, but either way, keep going.

I agree with you. That's specifically why I asked where he was trying to go with this. I have a few friends that would put this on their playlists as is, no questions asked. I have others who would say 'wtf'.

[anthonythecat]

Very interesting song. There's some really good sounds in there and some nice ideas. You're voice and the delays (especially in the first section) are not so good. I found the delays very off putting (maybe if they were more in time with the rhythm?)

As for the arrangement, as others have said, it does go on a bit after 1:10. If I was doing it I would insert a section like the first into the second part of the song. This would almost have a verse/chorus/verse/chorus/out kind of structure which might help give it more cohesion (I just use the terms verse and chorus as terms, not trying to force you into writing a dull song, could just as easily have written it as A/B/A/B/C ).

[Karloff70]

Interesting. There's definitely something there!

What I would do is this:

Get that file/mix back into your daw and put it in with the arrange and save under new name. Then chop out chunks of value. Separately. Like "I like the 16bar between bla and bla". Take all the chunks of whatever length (could be 12, 2 , 24bars, whatever) and string together an arrange with them that both keeps interest and doesn't overload the listener. Possibly might be cool to mute a few holes into the vocals in places (might have to imagine that when arranging the mix file chops until later), more space for eerie. Once you have an arrange of them that you like, repeating the odd bit (don't try to go straightjacket-pop arrange, just feel it and keep playing it from the top to see where it stops working and weave it!!) just copy the rest of your actual DAW arrange to be the same/follow it. Then have a look at redoing some vocals and cleaning up a little/minimalise, like try some mutes in the intro, say on drums e.g. THEN see what you got. I would use most bits from the first half more, but there are great chunks in the second half too, some for one offs, at least one repeater....

Really like some of the (plentiful) ideas in there. Don't chuck it, could be really sweet! IMHO

[rnaple]

I fear there might be a little miss communication? I can't believe people honestly saying your voice is good. I can believe and agree that what you are trying to do with your voice is really good. What you are actually doing is a flop.
I am honestly candidly trying to help you.
I also am not suggesting that you follow a cookie cutter approach to songwriting. I just can't catch on to any kind of "method to the madness". The "madness" is extremely artistic and creative.

[TheBrightSide]

Originally Posted by rnaple

I fear there might be a little miss communication? I can't believe people honestly saying your voice is good. I can believe and agree that what you are trying to do with your voice is really good. What you are actually doing is a flop.
I am honestly candidly trying to help you.
I also am not suggesting that you follow a cookie cutter approach to songwriting. I just can't catch on to any kind of "method to the madness". The "madness" is extremely artistic and creative.

Thanks for that, Simon Cowell.