Lyrics critique?

[Murphster]

It is always hard without the music. But..

On the whole I quite like it. There is a nice choice of words/phrases in there, it speaks to me. Nothing really wrong with what you are trying to achieve. Reminds in some way of Elbow really, it reads like the kind of lyrics Guy Garvey might write - which can't be bad.

I don't see much rhyming, and while nobody says there has to be rhymes, you do something odd - verse 2 does have some rhyme structure (one and gone, inside and fly) - were they intentional? Because I would at least have my verses follow the same structure, either they don't rhyme or they do.

** I am certainly not an expert, so as always, feel free to tell me I am wrong - It will be interesting to see what others think. By the way, my lyrics suck.

[dodittydada]

Thank you Murphster, I appreciate that.
I know exactly what you mean and it has occured to me as well. I will need to rethink and work on that.

[SACRED SOUND]

i liked the lyrics.. moody & subtle

[initialsBB]

The first thing that jumps out to me is that they are kind of vague and there are some phrases that don't make a lot of sense. I think if you go through and do an edit to make it flow better and sound more like things you would actually say, it might help a lot.

Doubt and despair although its all in your head

why the "although"? it sounds like we're missing part of the sentence. you're filled with doubt and despair although it's all in your head. the word "but" sounds a little less formal than "although". But of course you could just cut it out and say "doubt and despair / it's all in your head"

You know that you can be sure
its never fortune or fall
come on round son, its plain to see.

I think the nugget of info there that we need is that "it's never fortune or fall". "you know that you can be sure" feels like a lot of wasted syllables that don't add a whole lot. "you can be sure" and "it's plain to see" are saying basically the same thing. although it's a bit of an odd thing to say since the person you're addressing (yourself?) obviously isn't sure and doesn't see. I would probably move "fortune or fall" to the end of the section and build up to it with the other two lines. maybe the person you're singing to doesn't see but you're here to comfort them and tell them that it's never fortune or fall.


For once in your life why don't you come on inside
after all we are one

I'm not really sure where "inside" is in this context and what it has to do with being all one. I mean, I think I sort of get what you're trying to say but clarifying who the "you" and "we" and "all" are would help a ton to make your song more immediately relatable. above you said "come on round son" so is this a dialog from a parent to a son? if so I think you could go ahead and make that more obvious and personal. phrases like "we are all one" are so universal and general that it's hard for the listener to get a grasp on who the singer is singing to and what the situation is.

and soon your life will be gone
you gunna flicker or fly
its all here for you to see...

flicker or fly is nice. like the fortune or fall line, maybe it would be stronger if you moved it to the end of the section. the word "fly" is a good place for the melody to do something nice and to stretch out the note. "it's all here for you to see" is more vague and general and so it's a weaker line to end the section with in my opinion.

Through wiser eyes I will set me free
widen.....they widen
Its all now down to you and me
fly high to come alive.

"I will set me free" is kind of an awkward thing to say that you probably wouldn't say in normal conversation. The "I, me, you and me" stuff here also gets even more confusing. I still don't have a good idea who is singing this song and who they are singing to and then suddenly it shifts from second person (you) to first person (I, me) which just further confuses the point of view.

I hope this all doesn't sound too harsh. I think you're off to a good start and you just need to clarify what you're trying to say, who is saying it, who they're saying it to, etc. and make it much more clear for the listener to understand those things as well. I think a few small edits in that direction would help it all kind of snap together into a more cohesive thing.

[sm_sparks]

Is there a way to show more than just tell? How does doubt and despair manifest? What can make this less abstract and more concrete?

Also is the songs about the author, as in the "you" is really an "I", or is it about a different person. If it's about another person, it feels accusatory - like the author is judging someone. And then I think, why so much judgement?


Doubt and despair although its all in your head
You know that you can be sure
its never fortune or fall
come on round son, its plain to see.

V2
For once in your life why don't you come on inside
after all we are one
and soon your life will be gone
you gunna flicker or fly
its all here for you to see...

chorus

Through wiser eyes I will set me free
widen.....they widen
Its all now down to you and me
fly high to come alive.

[dodittydada]

Thanks for the great feedback everyone. Its given me alot to think about and so I have done a re write as follows. I know this is really pointless without melody/music and probably most importantly the phrasing. But while my gear is in storage ..what the hell. Feedback is crucial given my lyrical inexperience. So anyway, again, all thoughts welcome,

verse 1

Doubt and despair but its all in your head
False riots abound and ya feelin' ya frown
Its never fortune or fall, its all here
Its plain to see

v2

For once in your life stop the cut run and hide
Just beat on your drum
Cause soon your life will be gone
You gunna flicker or fly
Its all here for you to see

chorus

Through wiser eyes you can now believe
Widen...they widen
Its all now down to you and me
Fly high to come alive

[Big Boss Man]

The word "its" shows up a lot in the lyrics, but it is not always clear what "its" is refering to. Also the chorus says "you and me", but "me" does not relate to anything else in the lyrics.

[dodittydada]

Thanks, good one. Another revision follows.As much as Id like to continue feedback as I near the end, this will be the last time Ill type all this crap out Also, without phrasing and music you cant really "hear" it properly of course.

Thanks for all the comments. I think it still needs work, but flows a bit better and makes a bit more sense. They will continue to help as I try and knock it into its final form.

V1

Doubt and despair but its all in your head
False riots abound and your feeling ya frown
Its never fortune or fall
plain to see

V2

For once in your life stop the cut run and hide
Just beat on your drum cause soon your life will be done
You gunna flicker or fly
Its all here for you to see

Chorus

Through wiser eyes now believe
Widen...they widen
Its all now down to you, achieve
Fly high to come alive.

[monsieur x]

Would like to hear this set to music, but I don't like the lyrics. . .

But hey, that is just my personal taste!!!

Put it up with the music?

Lyrics are the least important part in popular music. Just the reality. . . so if the song is amazing, the song is amazing. . . show it to us with the chords and melody!

[theboymodern]

I think concrete images always win out over saying "I'm feeling this way." so instead of saying I'm full of doubt and despair, can you create an image that evokes that same feeling. Without knowing what genre you're going for its hard to give much input. But I can say that there doesn't seem to be a lot of consistent rhythm in your word choice. Maybe that's not important to you, but if you're writing with a pop sensibility, I think establishing that rhythm in your lyrics and then finding a melody to compliment it is key. The content is okay. And if this your first stab at lyrics, it's not terrible. Just keep writing and working on your craft. You'll get better the more you practice!!

[theboymodern]

One more thing. I noticed in the OP you told us what the song was about. In my opinion you should never have to explain a song. That doesn't mean it has to have a straightforward meaning, only that a great song should stand on it own without any explanation

[rnaple]

I love songs with metaphors. Abstract thoughts. Wandering wisdom.
Kinda like MacArthur Park. Somehow that song got put on a ten worst songs list. I couldn't disagree more. I thought it was a fantastic song. Extremely successful. Your's could be also.