stupidest things you have ever heard during a session.

[maskedman72]

ok, im curious,since i have a few good ones of my own,i know you all have many many more.

what is the stupidest thing you have ever heard a "client" say during a session???



one time i was getting ready to track a glam band and the singer introduced himself to me as "devon childs". than he went on to explain that it means "devils child"....pretty dumb.

[Midlandmorgan]

My favorite:

A 'singer' asked me once if she had to pay for the time it took to track several takes of the same passage because she was flatter than three day old beer...flat beyond autotune's ability to fix...

Another: (actual conversation!)

Me: "What's the matter, singer?"
Vox: "I can't hear any playback or my voice"
Me: "Put the headphones on"
Vox: "Yeah...that's better"

[King Tubby]

This Song's a Hit!

[Jason Poulin]

Man, I haven't played drums in almost like two years!!!



That was scarry, and it sounded like crap too.


Jason

[EngineEars]

The stupidest thing I've heard in a tracking session:

"You were flat and way out of pocket on that last phrase, let's punch there."

"No let's move on, that's my style."

The stupidest thing I've heard in a mix session:

"Can you make the guitars a more greenish glow."

And the stupidest thing I've heard in a mastering session:

"Can you put more space between the songs to give me time to adjust the tone controls on the stereo."

[PlugHead]

One of the funniest (read - stupidest!):
"We're gonna be rich!"

but the best is:
can you (auto)tune that out of tune (rhythm) guitar part, it's starting (after 3 days of not wanting to retrack it - in tune!?) to bother me...

Trying to deal with a drummer that speeds up thru every drum fill - "maybe lessen up on the fills this time" response: "that's my strength. man!"

Over to you...

[denial]

I always get a kick out of hearing someones head knock against the angled glass between the control room and studio. The only thing better than that is the dumb, confused look on their face. Priceless.

[Waylon]

CBC radio broadcast engineer while miking up the drum kit for a " Cardigans" live broadcast ( they were the opener ) right before thier first single was breaking in Canada


Drummer " hey man, what are you doing with all the mics?!?!"

AE " gettign the kit miced up.."

Drummer " no dude, I just use one SM57 over the kit... get rid of all those"

AE " what?! "

Drummer " Seriously man, THATS MY SOUND"

AE " well, D U D E, your sound sucks."


lol

[denial]

Musician after his take:
"I think it's shit, what do you think?"

---

Engineer:
"The project will cost $3600"

Prospective client:
"Would you take $3000"

Engineer:
"Do you have $3000"

Prospective client:
"No".

[kudzu]

singer listening to mix playback.....

"....can anyone hear chickens...."

he was serious!!!!!

We found them....anyone guess what it was?

[zimv20]

chickens?

[wm_b]

I often hear voices in solo'd overheads. I just ignore them now but I still hear them.

They don't say anything but they are there mumbling away. I think I know what it is. I think it's the heads reforming after the initial impact but it sure sounds like voices.

wm.

[cgarges]

Two stories of local legend in which I was unfortunately not involved:

Producer:
"What's that hi-pitched tinny thing?"

Engineer:
"What? Where?"

Producer:
"Right there!"

Engineer begins soloing tracks.

Producer:
"There! That's it!"

Engineer:
"That's a hi hat, Nick.'



Also, from notoriously difficult female singer:
"I have GOT to have more SMPTE in the headphones?"

Needless to say, this engineer gave it to her LOUD AND CLEAR before pressing play again.

Chris Garges
Charlotte, NC

[Brad Lunde]

Originally posted by EngineEars
The stupidest thing I've heard in a tracking session:

"You were flat and way out of pocket on that last phrase, let's punch there."

"No let's move on, that's my style."

The stupidest thing I've heard in a mix session:

"Can you make the guitars a more greenish glow."

And the stupidest thing I've heard in a mastering session:

"Can you put more space between the songs to give me time to adjust the tone controls on the stereo."

EngineEars:
I truely enjoyed those quotes-they were Fantastic! ....
ROFL

More please!

Brad

[Brad Lunde]

OK< got me thinking.

Heres' just a couple from some "almost" customers:

"I want to buy an E47 but I want it to sound like an ELUX251. What Soundelux mic should I get?"

"I thought the ATC's were great but everything sounds way too clear on them."

Brad

[dillweed]

"Do you really know what all these knobs do ??? "

Originally posted by dillweed
"Do you really know what all these knobs do ??? "

thats what my mom says...

[Shan]

The singer (whom just couldnt sing and was way way off key) comes into the control room and listens to his take.

Singer says, "I dont sound like that. There is something wrong with your equipment. Something's gotta be broken or somethin" (he was dead serious and started to argue about it)

(Sorry bud but what goes into that mic comes outta those monitors. Keep your day job)

Shane

[Drumsound]

My favorite one is to me talking to a guitar player that I referred to as "Noodles" because he noodled over everything. He plays a Strat...

Me: Try it with the neck pick-up please

Noodles: ...blank stare...

Me: Try the neck pick-up I think it will blend well on this song

Noodles: ...Huh?

Me: Switch to the neck pick-up please.

Noodles: I have no idea what you mean.

Me: See these things here, those are you pick-ups, I'd like to hear this one (as I touch the neck pick-up).

Noodles: ...blank stare...

Me: This switch changes which pick-up is being used...(Then I explained ---very slowly---how a Strat pick-up switch works)

Noodles: I thought that switched the strings.

Me: ...blank stare...

RUNNER UP:

Drummer after soundcheck playback

Drummer: I don't like that kick drum sound.

Me: OK, what type of tone do you want?

Drummer: I don't want to answer that.

[RichT]

Originally posted by djui5
Intern who's overrunning his stay says

"What do you mean the signal is coming out of Pro-Tools into the SSL?, That dosen't make sense."

Doh!

(Cocks his shotgun)

"Get running boy!"

[NemoTracks]

Back in the good 'ol days when 24tk analogue was a luxury and most of us were working on 16tk, I remember a session where all 16 tracks were absolutely full up. Chock a block.
The Producer turns to the engineer and asks to set up for yet another overdub.
The engineer says that all tracks are full up and there is no room.
A crisp £20 note is waved in engineers face with the words:
"I'm sure there's something you can do..."


I do remember a certain famous guitarist wanting the Studer A800 pulled right up to the SSL to .... "cut down on the signal path as now the sound has less distance to travel".

Obviously he'd never tried to move one before.

[SnakeCained]

Funny, stupid or scary?

One of the most famous musicans in the world:
" Let's just bung it down onto tape"

One of the most revered engineers in the world:
" Ok" (to assistant) "Line up the 2" please"

Assistant at one of the most famous studios in the world
" What? We dont use tape"

Revered Engineer
"Well F*&k give me a screwdriver I'll do it myself"

Assistant
"We don't keep screwdrivers in the studio, they are downstairs and the bloke won't be back for an hour"

All
"F*&k !!!!"

Later the same assistant told me that connecting the word clock cables from my master clock generator to my multiple converters would have no affect on the sound. Christ this guy works in the one studio in the world your granny could name!

[maskedman72]

i was mixing a song and the singer told me he wanted me to make the track "sound like sex".

does anyone have any idea what piece of gear does that?

[RichT]

Originally posted by maskedman72
i was mixing a song and the singer told me he wanted me to make the track "sound like sex".

does anyone have any idea what piece of gear does that?

It would definitely need a wah wah pedal...

[Jules]

Gilrfriend of a heavy rock band that had Scott Goram from Thin Lizzy guesting on gtr for their album..

Scott - playing solos in control room, everybody excited

Girl - chatting very loudly over the music to friend

Everybody - "shut the f**k up!"

Girl - pointing finger at Scott, who's cab is mic'ed up in another room - "what's the big deal? - he's only miming!"


Sweden (Trance Dance singer 1980's) "Can you raise my ears"

[Ruphus]

Originally posted by maskedman72
i was mixing a song and the singer told me he wanted me to make the track "sound like sex".

does anyone have any idea what piece of gear does that?

Yep, those vibrating sticks made in Taiwan. They have that certain buzz that you might hear in summer nights when the neighbours have their windows open.

Here is one, maybe not that funny, but it was sort of interesting to me.

Imagine a guy that you thought to be not that bad as the second guitarist on a Spanish duo and whom you invited to track him for nada, so that you might get something other than your own chit for a studio demo and him to get a couple of good sounding demos for himself.

So, the guy comes over days later and you two first drink a cup of coffee together, talking about what to do.

First thing he makes clear is that AE is secondary and that everything must be arranged to the artists convenience. Next you two go in the studio / living room and he wonders whether boutique gear and SD mics could make a difference to the pocket size Fostex and 200$ AKG that he has at home. And when recognizing that you have prepared for tracking in the ( good sounding ) room, he asks repeatedly why not to track in the booth, so that you explain the same thing two, three times to him.

Then he wants to record his own piece and none of the classical Spanish ones that you have heard him playing slick already.
Heck, you agree.

He takes his guitar and starts playing, you suggest to try one of your guitars instead cause his sounds like a piece of chipboard. He takes them, confirms how good they sound, but "I think mine suits better to the music" looking at your wondering face "we musicians know within seconds which instruments fits best for the music" ( knows that you play guitar too, but anyways, as "we musicians" says so ... )
Returned to his guitar he sits on the optimally positioned chair while you put the heads on for to position the mics. After about 3 minutes as you´re close to the best spot of the main mic he jumps up fretfully already. "I can´t sit that long, why does that take so long". You hurry up and sit behind the screen for a trial track.

After he is through one time you ask "don´t you want to tune it at all?" He "Why? It sounds ok, doesn´t it?" Then he tries tuning for a second and goes on. You repeat "the guitar is still out of tune". He: "no, it´s fine".

We track his awfully played piece 3 times before he jumps up again "Ok, I got to go now".

And on his way out he mentions one more time something like "the musician is the most important one in the studio."

The funny thing is that I set down afterwards EQing it and slicing that crap into pieces.
After days it has indeed improved 300% and I send it together with the best of the original takes over to a friend of mine. He reflects like "You have done magic to the original sound, but the detuned guitar hurts my ears. And that playing ... Why do you waste your time with such a sh!t? Your own recordings sound so much better."

I launch the tweaked example in MediaPlayer and compare it to some clips of my own and suddenly I don´t understand myself anymore. Why TF have I spend time with this!?


Life is a msytery
-

As a teacher of another discipline I have experienced what the difference is when you instruct people for nada in contrast to when you cost them 50 bucks for 45 minutes. And when I was educated for that profession the assistents always used to remind us: "Never give lessons for free. People cannot appreciate the value and mobilize the adequate respect for the lesson that way."

Why the hell are we so banal and predictable?

( Hope it won´t sound too bothered though. Actually I´m in good mood. )

Ruphus

[Fletcher]

Originally posted by maskedman72
i was mixing a song and the singer told me he wanted me to make the track "sound like sex".

does anyone have any idea what piece of gear does that?

Yeah... it's a lot of delays to get shit to fall into a pocket... it's more of a performance thing than anything else... but as a mixer you can affect a vibe if you have a notion and anything at all to with which to work.

[adamcal]

Stupidest things Ive seen,

Bass player (holding a fretless) says to the guitar player, " watch me, Ill show you the riff"



and this just yesterday

Im tracking a 10 piece band with a brass section, I fill every available space with the rythm section and will later reset the main room for the brass section overdubs, Drummer says to me, "can we have guide brass"

I almost wanted to have them stand around his kit pointing at him!! lol

[scott petito]

back in the 2" days...once had a producer tell me to save some time " Let's wipe while we bounce"... the old timers should get it....

SP

[mersisblue]

Originally posted by scott petito
back in the 2" days...once had a producer tell me to save some time " Let's wipe while we bounce"... the old timers should get it....

SP

you must wipe after the bounce

Im no old timer