stupidest things you have ever heard during a session.

[Dragonfly]

Originally Posted by RichT

It would definitely need a wah wah pedal...

perhaps an Agonizer

[Dragonfly]

* I was getting mics set up in a session with the instrumentlists chatting in the live room, and the producer and the singers girlfriend were in the control room with me. The lead singer then proceeds to start talking with his friends on how he cheated on his fiance' the night before, of course all the while it's coming over the speaker. the girlfriend asks me, "can you hit record please?"


*I attended a student workshop where they hired a guest artist to play, and he happened to be a very famous drummer, can't say who obviously. The lights in the control room were off, they were bright in the live room, he didn't know anyone was there (there were 19 teenagers in the control room) so he proceeded do lines off his snare until someone told him they were ready to start 15 minutes later.

[Realtugs]

Originally Posted by Dragonfly

*I attended a student workshop where they hired a guest artist to play, and he happened to be a very famous drummer, can't say who obviously. The lights in the control room were off, they were bright in the live room, he didn't know anyone was there (there were 19 teenagers in the control room) so he proceeded do lines off his snare until someone told him they were ready to start 15 minutes later.

That was me. How ya getting on these days? Pretty edumacational huh?

[KingFish]

I had a producer, working on a major label project call, and book studio time with me, to build some really Big "walls" of layered background vocals with him, like on a track that he had heard of mine.

He told me that he'd do the BG session at the current studio he was at, and bring me a Pro-tools session copy of the BG session to work with him on.

Day of the session, the producer shows up with Coffee, and DVD in hand, already talking about the big "stacked Vocal sound" and how it's going to really lift this song into production bliss.

As I'm loading the session, I'm talking to him about the fact that it's no big "industry sercret" for what he was after, that i'd probably lightly Auto-tune, and VocAlign all of the BG stacks that he cut, and pan em right and left.

He looked a little confused, but said... Yeah... we'll really spread em out... make lots of them, the more, the better.

I looked a little confused... however, I turned around to the computer, loaded the session, and instantly saw a 2 mix of the Band, a lead vox track, and a BG track with 1 playlist.

I said to him... there's only 1 BG part on here... no multiple tracks, no playlists, all your BG vox, except for 1 part are NOT here.

His reply was... well that's what we're here for... to make "those walls" of BG's from the BG vocal track... you're going to multiply that track, and pan them and shift them around aren't you ?

He really thought the whole Mutt Lange - Gang vocal thing was all pro-tools trickery, from 1 source track.

I actually had to play him a heavilly multi tracked session, with multiple layered vocals for him to believe that I needed 20 individual vocal "Performances" on tape to create that effect.

He was heartbroken and embarrased when I showed him what "Multiplying the track" delaying each duplicate by a unique value, and using every doubling trippling, quadrupling plugin in the book sounded like..... not even close.

I have lost several "Producing gigs" to producers I have taught some of the very basic "entry level" production tricks to, from the engineers chair.

This was one of them.

[vaesion]

i dont think anythings a priceless as the messages i get on my answering machine.
ive had people just bust out rappin in poetry about how if i wanna make it any where in life i better work with them...another favorite is thier introductions about being aka this and that ya boy raw muth ****a tryin to put me in the game

i love it when they call quantize quanatize

[SiliconAudioLab]

Originally Posted by djui5

...She called me at 3am one time, saying she was hanging out with her girl and wanted to know if I'd come over....

A HA!! So there ARE *SOME* percs left in this bizz after all!

[bassntreble]

Producer commenting on female alto singer- "She's got a great wide bottom" which was immediately followed by a pimp slap to the back of the head by his in-studio-lady-friend.

---
Submitting some remixs in the late 90's-

A&R- Can you send the mixes over on CDR?

Me-Sure I can burn a CD for you...

A&R-No. I need them on CDR

Me- OK, but that'll cost extra.

[John The Cut]

Singer (having trouble): Can't we just leave that note out?

Me: er..?!

[snedley]

"What's a measure??"

[Berolzheimer]

Originally Posted by snedley

"What's a measure??"

Ooh, I got that one too.....really pissed me off at the time. Was part of a group of things that drove me out of music & into film sound for a while.

[meenie]

Originally Posted by SnakeCained

Funny, stupid or scary?

One of the most famous musicans in the world:
" Let's just bung it down onto tape"

One of the most revered engineers in the world:
" Ok" (to assistant) "Line up the 2" please"

Assistant at one of the most famous studios in the world
" What? We dont use tape"

Revered Engineer
"Well F*&k give me a screwdriver I'll do it myself"

Assistant
"We don't keep screwdrivers in the studio, they are downstairs and the bloke won't be back for an hour"

All
"F*&k !!!!"

Later the same assistant told me that connecting the word clock cables from my master clock generator to my multiple converters would have no affect on the sound. Christ this guy works in the one studio in the world your granny could name!

Boy that sure does sound familar to me...........had almost the exact same experience in a famous London studio......Most likely the sister studio of the one you were talking about. And,if I'm not mistaken, they share some of the tech staff from time to time, so that comment about the clock would make total sense.

Hoo boy,

M.

[pianodano]

Not exactly a session event but years ago I agreed to do the music for a producer that was making a info and stockholders video for a very large old corporation. He explained that location filming had went way over budget and they really only had $500.00 left for music production. He needed the main theme and 4 or 5 transitional themes which he pointed out all the scenes for, for the 1 hour video. Since the producer did a lot of this type of work, I agreed to write and record the music if he would give me a shot on future projects that maybe had a bigger budget. Anyway he gave me 2 weeks and I wrote and recorded all the music and I was very pleased with the result. Called Mr. producer and told him the video was on the way. Couple days later, Mr. producer called me and said he really did not like the music at all because it was traditional orchestral sounding with timpani ,strings and horns.
I am asked him exactly what he was thinking of for the music. He said he wanted throughly modern synth sounds and distorted guitars, nothing traditional sounding at all. Well me being as dumb as I am, I questioned him on this because I knew it was for a traditional and very old fashioned Co with nothing but old Suits. He said it absolutely had to be modern synth sounds and distored guitars and the music had to be "EPIC".

I said, Well I guess you'll just have to get somebody else cause I just don't do "EPIC" for $500 bucks.

fuuck me.

Danny

[roughly]

Rapper: "Line up my part on the the fourth "meeesure"

Me: (going to the forth measure and playing back once. ) "ok"

Rapper: "no fukker, the forth meeesure, you know (clapping beats) 1,2,3,4 'meesures' "

Me: "oh ok 'meeesures' " fuuck

[Fenris]

Originally Posted by vaesion

i love it when they call quantize quanatize

Or "quantanize."

Or they call an arpeggiator an "aggregiator."

I once recorded a Polish singer who said the air was too dry and she needed a "humiliator." Sounds like a piece of dominatrix gear.

[poncival]

Originally Posted by roughly

Rapper: "Line up my part on the the fourth "meeesure"

Me: (going to the forth measure and playing back once. ) "ok"
fuuck

Everybody seems to have a different definition of "measure" as well, one guy told me that the music wasn't actually in the BARS, because the bars were the black things in between the measures, which are where the music is... I meditate on that thought sometimes.

I have to chuckle when someone very specifically tells me to start from two measures before and I start from two measures before (8 beats, for sure) and they get angry right away and say "I said TWO measures!!!" Does that mean they want four or eight measures, or one???

Or how about "come in from two times before it" and I go 8 bars because it's a 4 bar loop but they meant two bars and knew what they were talking about, they just didn't say the right word. Then they get all frustrated...

This relates intimately with the rappers who barely speak english clearly enough to convey an idea and then they say "run it back" and they mean "record it again please" and then after a few takes they will eventually say "run it back" in the exact same tone of voice and they mean "let's listen to that take please" and they get all angry when you punch in at the same spot and they're like "I'm a kill you few eraseded that chit ma nago"

Or if you guess correctly what a rapper wants to do before he can say it, enough times in a row, then they stop talking altogether. Then they lay down a take which doesn't sound any better than the one before it and so you go back and punch in again at the same place and they had expected you to play it back because it was obviously the one and you were supposed to know that. This is especially fun when tracking to tape...

With Pro tools it isn't so bad but they still get all bent out of shape about it when I am doing everything in my capacity to glean some kind of input from them about what they are expecting me to do next and they are obviously getting tired of having to answer me every time when I say "do you want to hear that? do you want to take it again?" and of course if you ask them if they want to take it again it's an insult because that was the one right there, or if you ask them if they want to hear it again they say "no way man" like "what's the matter with you that you don't know that take sucked and we have to do it again, what am I paying you for anyway?" ha ha ha

We had a rapper we nicknamed "Marble Mouth" a few years ago because he mumbled so inaudibly and incoherently that you could never tell what he was saying even when soloed. So of course his solution to this was to record 16 takes of everything and mix it all together. He refused to let me edit anything because it would take away from the natural goodness of the initial takes... I have to admit once in awhile there was a word you could hear and it sounded pretty good.

I finally parted ways with Marble Mouth after he insisted, begged me in fact, that I come in on Christmas eve and lay down some keyboard parts on this one song (let's call it "mmmblmfmnnghmnbb" to protect the innocent) so I decide what the heck, this guy really needs this, he's going out of town tomorrow and he has a deadline etc.. so I spend a few hours working on this track and come up with some cool stuff, of course I asked him beforehand if he was aware that three hours of studio time with a keyboard player was going to be somewhere in the vicinity of $200 and he said no problem. He came in about a month later to grab the CD and some intern gave it to him and he never paid the bill, never called back, etc..

anyway this is a great thread, very theraputic, thanks

John Gray

[RichT]

Thanks for that poncival, haven't laughed so much in a while and I know exactly where you're coming from.

[SpeedKing9]

Heard this one from a friend, during a TRACKING session

"don't worry, we can fix it in the mastering"

[DeadPoet]

Originally Posted by SpeedKing9

Heard this one from a friend, during a TRACKING session

"don't worry, we can fix it in the mastering"

That one's old, nowadays they have to fix stuff in the marketing


Herwig

[joaquin]

Was rehearsing with my band, and wearing ear plugs. When the bass player tried to tell me something and I couldn't hear him..."Instinctively" ...I place my ear next to the Microphone .....PLOP!!

"Client next to me at console: Give me more of that; that sounds awesome!

Me: I'm actually adjusting a knob on the console that was previously internally bypassed and actually does nothing."

In a studio I worked for a while they had a home made board, and there was one knob off to the right nnot connnected. I made a careful label with an arrow to thr right and labelled it "Better"... It actually worked for one session when I was asked "Can you make it sound better?" - I was careful to not turn that knob too far ot it would'vee beeen Too Better!

<L>

[James Lugo]

Actually last night someone mentioned this thread, that is the stupidest thing I've heard in a long time!

[HudHudson]

I got called into the studio at 3 pm on Christmas Eve to do DAT transfers for a legendary Texas singer-songwriter so he could burn a few reference CDs before leaving town for some gigs. I'd patched my DAT deck directly into a Masterlink (digitally) but when the artist showed up two hours late he said "I don't like the sound of the Masterlink's converters." I tried to explain that since it was a digital-to-digital copy, there was no conversion involved, but he insisted his DAT would sound lousy recorded to the Masterlink, so I offered to set up for transferring to Pro Tools through a 192 I/O, but he had never worked in Pro Tools and decided not to take a chance. I got paid anyway.

[Igotsoul4u]

#1 When I was an assistant one of our mega high end clients was quite furious with a certain piece of gear that was not working properly and he shouted "Where is the back of this unit????!!!"


#2 Hip hop guy: Man something's not right
Me: Ok. What's wrong?
Hip hop guy: Shouldn't the red lights on the speakers be lighting up all the time?

#2 Hip hop guy: Man something's not right
Me: Ok. What's wrong?
Hip hop guy: Shouldn't the red lights on the speakers be lighting up all the time?[/QUOTE]

Helping a drummer friend set up his rehearsal recording setup (with a Korg multitrack unit) It took careful explanation to assure him the red lights were overload, not signal present... he had been turning it up until he saw the lights and couldn't understand why it didn't sound good.

I really got to be the hero when simply turning it down made such a huge difference!

<L>

[deepwater]

I was recording a singer with an AKG2000. He asked " is that the mic I'm using" I said "Yea" So I step out to get things ready for tracking and look through the window and he has removed the mic from the shock mount and is holding it like a standard dynamic.

So I simile while he sings in the top of a side-address mic for the first take. So for about 4 mins me and my friends are rolling in the floor, as this guy is singing his heart out like he was on a stage in front of 2000 people.

I wish I had a video tape of it.

[CorkyTart]

Here is some recent stupidity:

Drummer sucks, really sucks. Sucks so bad that a week after the session I ran into my neighbor and she says that she heard "jammin'" over at my house. I apologized for it sounding so bad and she says, "Yeah, my kid was listening and he felt really bad and wanted to come over and help out."

Still on drummer..... after session, he mentions that he moved the microphones a little bit, especially the over heads since he HIT them with his sticks.

He brought in several new heads but only 2 of the 4 were the right size.

Anytime there was a mistake it was blamed on the headphone mix.

Now onto the singer.....

Insisted of doing vocal scratch tracks IN the drum room. I had to explain drum mikes would pick up any noise/vox in room. He said, "I thought the vocal tracks were just scratch tracks"

Bass player.....

He is the guy in band who 'tunes' he does not use a tuner nor will he use one, he simply and arbitrarily 'tunes' the peg unit it sounds right, this method varies anywhere from a little out of tune to a whole step down. So thats the guy the band tunes to.

Guitar player....

I walked into the room while he was checking his headphone mix and he is in there doing ****ing windmills ala Pete "Hide your children" Townsend all by himeself in the middle of the room. It looked so ******** that I thought he was just joking, but he wasn't.

During tracking this mess, the drummer was doing a good take (for him) and the guitar player stops the entire tracking process because he screwed up his SCRATCH guitar solo and said it threw off the feel of the entire song.

And no, none of the instruments have been set up, the intonation is a mess however, they have new strings.

In addition to this, they brought over a total of seven guitar and bass cabinets with the expectation to be have them all plugged in for scratch tracks a PA system initially intended to be used for scratch vocals and any misc cables, mike stands, microphones, mixers, guitar pedals, 1/2" reel to reel deck, dat machine and cd player from their rehersal studio. Basically they brought entire studio (Even Duct Tape) minus couch.

And now to top it off, they expected 4 songs recorded mixed and mastered within 9 hours and they wanted it to sound like the black album. I explained to them how that was NOT going to happen.

Right now, we are only done with rhythm section so there will be plenty more stories to tell on this.

[TheReal7]

This thread is the best....Jules..you must sticky this

[Berolzheimer]

Originally Posted by poncival

Everybody seems to have a different definition.....................

................................gave it to him and he never paid the bill, never called back, etc..

anyway this is a great thread, very theraputic, thanks

John Gray

Well I'm really starting to appreciate Wil B., the rapper I'm working with currently-he's smart, articulate, musical, and, best af all, a nice guy. And, a great rapper.

[SoSueMe]

OK, I've got to tell this one.

My assistant and I had pre-planned on a bringing in a drummer to lay down some tracks for a client. Before my assistant called him to head on over, he had mentioned that he was a phenomenal but "flaky" drummer. He got hold of him and he said he'd be right over to do the tracking (we gave the drummer a two-hour window ahead of time when we'd call him). He was only a few blocks away. While the clock was ticking, he showed up four hours later. He immediately set up his drums and then just as quickly DISAPPEARED FOR THREE DAYS without saying a word. He then shows up (three days later) and says, "Ok, I'm ready."

[Berolzheimer]

Originally Posted by SoSueMe

OK, I've got to tell this one.

My assistant and I had pre-planned on a bringing in a drummer to lay down some tracks for a client. Before my assistant called him to head on over, he had mentioned that he was a phenomenal but "flaky" drummer. He got hold of him and he said he'd be right over to do the tracking (we gave the drummer a two-hour window ahead of time when we'd call him). He was only a few blocks away. While the clock was ticking, he showed up four hours later. He immediately set up his drums and then just as quickly DISAPPEARED FOR THREE DAYS without saying a word. He then shows up (three days later) and says, "Ok, I'm ready."

Wait, I think I know his guy. Were there any strip clubs in the area?