stupidest things you have ever heard during a session.

[therecordinghous]

i had a guitar player swear the amp was the reason his guitar was out of tune.

[memphisindie]

Originally Posted by therecordinghous

i had a guitar player swear the amp was the reason his guitar was out of tune.

I've heard that one.

[12ax7]

Originally Posted by therecordinghous

i had a guitar player swear the amp was the reason his guitar was out of tune.

Gee, I really HATE to throw a 'wet blanket' on this thread (one of the most fun on this site)...

...But in this case, there really IS actually a reasonable explanation for why a guitarist would believe that!:

The truth is that NO guitar (no matter how well designed, or set up) can actually be reliably "in tune" without moment-to-moment adjustment at the hands of the player.

For myriad and manifold reasons, the above statement is as true for a guitar as it is for a slide trombone or a human voice! ...And the truth is that sometimes a guitar/amp combination (especially after folding back through headphones in a room with other loud instruments), can make it very hard for a player to hear and adjust pitch!

So, yes! The wrong guitar/amp/settings CAN cause a situation resulting in an out-of-tune guitar track! This is especially true with lots of distortion.

Any singers out there will understand this problem by recalling times when they were in a live situation where the stage-levels were excessive, and although their monitors were PLENTY loud, hearing their own pitch was a problem.

...Then again, I have ALSO run into folks of ALL walks of life who will blame ANYTHING (other than themselves) to explain away ANYTHING!

Again, sorry to throw a 'wet blanket' on this one, but I couldn't let this one go by without addressing this.

[memphisindie]

I guess we know who t was now.

[Lemontree]

I had a band in recently that I've seen play live about half a dozen times. They are totaly tight, absolutely solid playing together. It's just drums, bass and one guitarist who sings. I thought I was on easy street till they came into the studio.

First off, the singer wants everything recorded to a click, no problem ...we count out the tempo and I set up a click for the first track and off we go CARNAGE! The drummer has NEVER played to a click before. An argument breaks out so I intervine, tell them I've seen them live plenty of times and they are well tight enough to play without a click. Drummer and bass player are very happy with this but singer dude says NO WAY, it has to be done with a click.

Guitar dude comes up with the great idea that only he should hear the click track in his cans and the drums and bass should follow him. By this point drummer dude and bass player are getting a bit pissed with the time he is wasting. I try to tell him how it won't work but he demands to have it set up this way. I give him the click in the cans.....

First song about 6 bars of click goes past and guitar dude says to drummer...you're supposed to count us in, ofcourse drummer dude can't hear the click. Eventualy singer dude counts everyone in on time to the click he is hearing but the song is full of little starts and stops and the whole thing breaks down several times.

I suggest I give everyone a couple of bars of click in the cans to get them into the song then drop it out. First take like that is bang on the money. I get them in for a listen. Guitar dude starts complaining the tempo is constantly changing, which it's not and I prove this to him by bringing the click up on a fader when he tells me "THERE! it's speeding up and slowing down!" The drummer has this thing where he ever so slightly slows the last bar of each verse then excelorates into the roll then comes back out bang on time into the chorus which adds to the feel of the song.

So everyone is delighted with this take except guitar dude. We get into a conversation and it turns out he has a little setup at home where he uses midi drum loops to create a beat then his guitar parts he just plays the first verse and chorus and cuts n pastes this into the rest of the song . He thinks doing it this way will save a lot of time, of which he's already wasted 2 hours. I have to give him the talk and they go back in and nail the rest of the songs in a couple of takes each.

Turned out to be a great session but that first couple of hours were insane all so he could play one verse and chorus of a song as overdubs and cut n paste that in to the rest of the song. I asked him where he got these mad ideas from.."the internet" he said.

[audioguynyc]

this thread is jokes but I actually have learned a bit about dealing with crazy musicians and/or cocky producers. Misplaced personalities in the studio is an easy fix when you use your head. They don't teach that in audio school.

[Lifted]

Originally Posted by Midlandmorgan

My favorite:

A 'singer' asked me once if she had to pay for the time it took to track several takes of the same passage because she was flatter than three day old beer...flat beyond autotune's ability to fix...

Another: (actual conversation!)

Me: "What's the matter, singer?"
Vox: "I can't hear any playback or my voice"
Me: "Put the headphones on"
Vox: "Yeah...that's better"

Were there drugs involved?

Originally Posted by denial

Musician after his take:
"I think it's shit, what do you think?"

---

Engineer:
"The project will cost $3600"

Prospective client:
"Would you take $3000"

Engineer:
"Do you have $3000"

Prospective client:
"No".

BAHAHAHAH...****ing AWESOME. I'm adding this thread to favorites

[loujudson]

Originally Posted by MixingStick

Ok, this isn't a recording story (live) but I think it fits. I was running FOH for Ray Price at a casino a few years back. He showed up with no house guy, so I covered as normal. During soundcheck (at which Ray was not there) we got a decent level for a very "lite" show and called it good (edit)...SO...I hit the mute buttons, left the console and went for drinks for the rest of the night...Apparently the volume was just right with no PA for a crowd of about 2000-3000!

A lead who doesn't show up for soundcheck deserves shitty sound - but there is no excuse for blaming the sound people. Good move, turn if off and walk. Hoep you still got paid!

[Delphino]

young metal band, first time in studio, vocalist enters the studio room curiously and on the way out, with a very concerned and frustrated tone:

"guys, we need to go back to the rehearsal place. there is no PA for me to sing into...."

[Schneider]

Originally Posted by loujudson

A lead who doesn't show up for soundcheck deserves shitty sound - but there is no excuse for blaming the sound people. Good move, turn if off and walk. Hoep you still got paid!

So True!


Worst thing i ever heard was from a cliche metal band that came to one of venues i do live sound for a few years back. First of all the bassist didn't bring any cabs, and the headliners didn't want to share so i took a straight DI from his head. In soundcheck he insisted he only wanted kick and guitar in his monitor(s).

He approached me after the show and complained: "I couldn't hear my bass" :|

I reminded him: "You didn't ask for any in your monitors"

Him: "I didn't want any in my monitors bro!"


The naive look on his face sticks with me to this day! Oh man, i want to move stateside asap!

[The Suicider]

Originally Posted by Schneider

The naive look on his face sticks with me to this day! Oh man, i want to move stateside asap!

not any better for that here, i could write a novel of all the shit i've dealt with doing FOH.

[13th Step]

My very first recording session. Girl gets a hold of me via myspace. Told the wife "Hey this girl is hot cannot wait until she comes over and record!" Girl shows up and starts warming up what she calls a voice. I told her that I only have two condensor mics at the time...One that works well on a girl's voice and one that sounds good on a man's voice. Of course she is rigged up with the "female voice" mic and asks if she could try the one more for a man's voice. I look up and noticed that this woman had lats and was in fact a MAN! "S"he brought her boyfriend with her and while "S"he was recording, the boyfriend was out talking to my wife. The boyfriend said that they were together for awhile until "SOMETHING CAME UP!" I wonder what that was?tutt

[Erik Thomas]

"That Shoeps is side-address!!! wtf are you doing, get the f out of here go home!" - crazed red faced producer chastizing newbie assistant who mic'd a leslie cabinet wrongly, when a simple twist of the mic and a reminder would have been sufficient.

"where is the fking salsa?? get the fk out of here!" crazy producer firing newbie intern who forgot to get salsa with the chips for lunch. (but he did get an album credit as "Salsa Boy" in the end)

[FunkyKeys]

Recorded a hardrock/metal band, really bad one. The song is in 4/4 (of course), but somehow everytime the drummer plays a fill to go to the chorus he loses one beat, and that bar becomes a 3/4.

Me: Hm, something happened there. Let's try that again.

Same thing...

Me: Hm... I think you're losing a beat there. Make sure you play the fill in the same time signature as the rest of the song, ok?

Drummer: Yeah, ok. I think I know what you mean.

New take - same thing.

Me: Yeah, you're definitely playing that fill to short. It should last one beat longer.
Drummer: One beat longer?
Me: Yeah, you should be able to count to 4 during the fill as well, just like the rest of the song.
Drummer: But... I can't make it longer.
Me: Um... why?
Drummer: I don't have more than 3 toms.

[Elevteros]

A French speaking female singer, a few years ago, at an audition for a band I produced (read aloud):

"Vat du yu mineu my inglisheu iz terrribeleu? Ol ma frendz he sayz id iz very goodeu"

[andychamp]

The best in a long time!thumbsup

Originally Posted by FunkyKeys

Recorded a hardrock/metal band, really bad one. The song is in 4/4 (of course), but somehow everytime the drummer plays a fill to go to the chorus he loses one beat, and that bar becomes a 3/4.

Me: Hm, something happened there. Let's try that again.

Same thing...

Me: Hm... I think you're losing a beat there. Make sure you play the fill in the same time signature as the rest of the song, ok?

Drummer: Yeah, ok. I think I know what you mean.

New take - same thing.

Me: Yeah, you're definitely playing that fill to short. It should last one beat longer.
Drummer: One beat longer?
Me: Yeah, you should be able to count to 4 during the fill as well, just like the rest of the song.
Drummer: But... I can't make it longer.
Me: Um... why?
Drummer: I don't have more than 3 toms.

[Arksun]

Originally Posted by FunkyKeys

Recorded a hardrock/metal band, really bad one. The song is in 4/4 (of course), but somehow everytime the drummer plays a fill to go to the chorus he loses one beat, and that bar becomes a 3/4.

Me: Hm, something happened there. Let's try that again.

Same thing...

Me: Hm... I think you're losing a beat there. Make sure you play the fill in the same time signature as the rest of the song, ok?

Drummer: Yeah, ok. I think I know what you mean.

New take - same thing.

Me: Yeah, you're definitely playing that fill to short. It should last one beat longer.
Drummer: One beat longer?
Me: Yeah, you should be able to count to 4 during the fill as well, just like the rest of the song.
Drummer: But... I can't make it longer.
Me: Um... why?
Drummer: I don't have more than 3 toms.

ROFL

[JoaT]

THAT explains why some of those metal bands have enormous drum kits...

They simply want drumfills in excess of one bar...

[audioguynyc]

Originally Posted by FunkyKeys

Recorded a hardrock/metal band, really bad one. The song is in 4/4 (of course), but somehow everytime the drummer plays a fill to go to the chorus he loses one beat, and that bar becomes a 3/4.

Me: Hm, something happened there. Let's try that again.

Same thing...

Me: Hm... I think you're losing a beat there. Make sure you play the fill in the same time signature as the rest of the song, ok?

Drummer: Yeah, ok. I think I know what you mean.

New take - same thing.

Me: Yeah, you're definitely playing that fill to short. It should last one beat longer.
Drummer: One beat longer?
Me: Yeah, you should be able to count to 4 during the fill as well, just like the rest of the song.
Drummer: But... I can't make it longer.
Me: Um... why?
Drummer: I don't have more than 3 toms.

OMG.....

..........

[GuitarRuss]

Originally Posted by T_R_S

You've made a lot of auto-tuning mistakes. I want it all re-tuned

If a singer is flat or sharp enough it then tuning software will read it as the note above or below. If it's something like a minor or major note, you will hear it as out of key and fix it, but sometimes it's a matter of preference - it doesn't sound wrong but it's not the note the vocalist hears in their head. For example they could want a b7 of the scale but it got tuned to a Maj6 which sounds fine in the Mixolydian scale.

I've had this happen a few times. In one case, it was a b3 instead of a natural 3rd which was a surprise key change - but the singer songwriter couldn't hold down the G string of her bar chord so there was nothing there in the music itself to tell of this key change. We just had to go through it all and change a few of the notes and I retracked the guitar myself with the missing notes.

Edit: Also, in some styles like Blues or Eastern music, quarter tones are very important so you have to tune it by ear, sliding any offensive notes up and down individually or it will suck the life right out of it and turn some melodies into nonsense.

[PlayRadioPlay]

Originally Posted by GuitarRuss

If a singer is flat or sharp enough it then tuning software will read it as the note above or below. If it's something like a minor or major note, you will hear it as out of key and fix it, but sometimes it's a matter of preference - it doesn't sound wrong but it's not the note the vocalist hears in their head. For example they could want a b7 of the scale but it got tuned to a Maj6 which sounds fine in the Mixolydian scale.

I've had this happen a few times. In one case, it was a b3 instead of a natural 3rd which was a surprise key change - but the singer songwriter couldn't hold down the G string of her bar chord so there was nothing there in the music itself to tell of this key change. We just had to go through it all and change a few of the notes and I retracked the guitar myself with the missing notes.

Edit: Also, in some styles like Blues or Eastern music, quarter tones are very important so you have to tune it by ear, sliding any offensive notes up and down individually or it will suck the life right out of it and turn some melodies into nonsense.

I think the joke is that the singer should have gotten it right in the first place, and it's sad that they would rather have the engineer re-tune it rather than just re-sing it. The singer should be saying "I made a vocal mistake" instead of telling the engineer "You made an auto-tune mistake".

It's like an author pointing a finger at his editor and saying "You incorrectly corrected my misspelling!"

Explaining jokes really sucks the life out of them...

[Oscar G. Hinde]

Client: "It sounds great, man. I love the clarity of the mix but there's one problem: I think it could use more low end."

Me: "Oh? I think it has plenty"

Client: "Yeah, I mean it sounds really good here in the studio or on my Ipod but when I listen to it at home I feel there's little low end"

Me: "What sound system do you have at home?"

Client: "A laptop".

He was enlightened when I explained him why everything on his laptop will sound bass shy. He had this "Ooooohhh so that's what it is!" look on his face.

[loujudson]

Originally Posted by PlayRadioPlay

I think the joke is that the singer should have gotten it right in the first place, and it's sad that they would rather have the engineer re-tune it rather than just re-sing it. The singer should be saying "I made a vocal mistake" instead of telling the engineer "You made an auto-tune mistake".

It's like an author pointing a finger at his editor and saying "You incorrectly corrected my misspelling!"

Explaining jokes really sucks the life out of them...

Wow, right! I am so glad I get to work with profesional acoustic musicians - I have ben calle dup to tune a note or two maybe six times so far. I am not shy abotu asking for retakes, but when it is live once in a while you must fix it.

I'd like to coin a new phrase:

"Auto-tune is the last refuge of the incompetent musican."

To me what makes a musician qualified is the ability to play or sing the right notes - else it is not music! (John Cage etc aside).

[PlayRadioPlay]

Originally Posted by loujudson

Wow, right! I am so glad I get to work with profesional acoustic musicians - I have ben calle dup to tune a note or two maybe six times so far. I am not shy abotu asking for retakes, but when it is live once in a while you must fix it.

I'd like to coin a new phrase:

"Auto-tune is the last refuge of the incompetent musican."

To me what makes a musician qualified is the ability to play or sing the right notes - else it is not music! (John Cage etc aside).

You are very, very lucky that you've never recorded an artist that walks into the vocal booth, sings a few sloppy takes, and then walks out expecting you to comp and tune the vocals to perfection. It's very widespread these days. I pray that you continue not to experience it!!

[Bruno5150]

"would you like some kind of effects of the vocals?"

"yes , I want some dirty pipes effect on my vocals..."

[bitman]

Originally Posted by Bruno5150

"would you like some kind of effects of the vocals?"

"yes , I want some dirty pipes effect on my vocals..."

One static flanging with high resonance coming up!

[zodo]

I was recording a live show for some friends in a tiny bar near Haight and Ashbury in San Francisco. I was using stereo mic on a stand running into a little Mackie mixer, going into a digital recorder. The band was playing without reinforcement...but the room sounded horrible. A drunk guy proceeded to walk up to me and read me the riot act about the horrible sound. Finally, he claimed that he was Ray Dolby's (of Dolby Laboratories) son and thus knew everything there was to know about audio.

I just looked at him for a minute, then pointed towards the 'stage' and asked, "Do you see any microphones or speakers up there?" fuuck

He meandered away after that. Later on, his friends came up to apologize.

[bitman]

Originally Posted by Dudevico

I have a really wierd story from the studio... The bass player in the band I played with at the time just couldnt nail a ritardando outro for one of the songs (he was, and still is, an awful bass player). After dozens of takes I asked if I could have a go at it. I nailed it in the first take and everyone was pleased... except the bass player. He started arguing and saying that he was going to quit the band, and that he didn't want to be associated with the entire album since he wasn't playing on the whole thing (the ritardando was about 2 secs long). Eventually, he actually started crying. The vibe in the studio was a tad uncomfortable so to speak...

I have learned the hard way as the engineer to try and avoid "You know what would be cool?" Or "here lemmie try".

I just grin and bear it trying to remember that I am payed by the hour.

[loujudson]

Originally Posted by PlayRadioPlay

You are very, very lucky that you've never recorded an artist that walks into the vocal booth, sings a few sloppy takes, and then walks out expecting you to comp and tune the vocals to perfection. It's very widespread these days. I pray that you continue not to experience it!!

THIS is one good reason I do not own a studio and never really wanted to - I'd hate to have to do punk band or amateur demos or anything like that. I did enough of it during my 15 years as a staff engineer.

Ironically my work seems to choose me. Tomorrow I am doing sound end live recording for a Sufi ceremony with master musicans from Turkey, Sunday a Kirtan ritual at a meditation center, Monday a Harp tracking session for a folk harp composer, and Tuesday starting an audiobook reading. I Love my work!

But on the other hand there is some stuff I have ot learn the hard way - five years ago while tracking a singer's album, she asked for a click track, something I had never done in Protools before, so I said, do you have a metronome we can put in the booth with a mic on it? I promptly got online and learned how (simple it is) to do in PT. I'd never made a click before, at that time. So my stupid thing said in a session...

<L>

[12ax7]

Originally Posted by Bruno5150

"would you like some kind of effects of the vocals?"

"yes , I want some dirty pipes effect on my vocals..."

I guess I'm just weird, but I kinda LIKE it when I get stuff like that!

Just because somebody is inarticulate doesn't mean they don't have a sound in their head that they want realized.

Find it for them, and you are the HERO (and word gets around that you have that knack).




...Of course there ARE a few clients who are just ignorant talentless morons (in which case they serve well for entertainment purposes in threads such as this!).