Pity the poor soundman

[surflounge]

PITY THE POOR SOUNDMAN...


What's the difference between soundmen and government bonds?
('Government Bonds eventually mature and earn money')


What's the difference between a dead soundman lying in the road and a dead squirrel lying in the road? ('The squirrel was probably on his way to a paying gig')


Why should you limit intermissions to 20 minutes? ('So you do not have to retrain the stagehands')


What's the difference between a puppy and a promoter? ('Eventually the puppy stops whining')


Know how to make a million dollars in the sound business?
('Start with two million')


How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?

('None ... We do not do LIGHTS!')


How many Lighting Directors does it take to change a lightbulb?
('One. He holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him')


How do you put a sparkle in a Promoters eye? ('Shine a flashlight in his ear.')


What's the least used sentence in the English language?
('Is not that the soundmans Porsche?')


What do you say to a soundman in a three piece suit? ('Will the defendant please rise?')


What does it mean when the lead guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
('The stage is level.')


How do you get a guitar player to play softer? ('Make him read sheet music')


If you took all the agents in the world and laid them end to end ... ?
('it would be a good idea')


How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
('None. They just steal somebody elses light')


How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
('Six. One to change it and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light')


How many roadies does is take to change a light bulb? ('One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the edison mount to a bayonet, and, with a patch cable, installs the bulb in a place that gives the band even better light.')


What's the difference between God and a Monitor Engineer
('God knows he is not a monitor engineer.')


What do you call a soundman without a wife or girlfriend
('Homeless')"


Why do soundmen have to be awake by eight o'clock ('Because most shops close by nine')


What's the range of a cheap wireless microphone ('Twenty yards if you have got a good arm.')


What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine
('With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once')


Saint Peter was greeting people at the gates to Heaven. "What did you do on Earth" he asked one man. "I was a doctor." Saint Peter says, "Great, go right through the gates and on down the golden streets. Next! What did you do on Earth?" "I was a school teacher" said the next person. "Wonderful", said Saint Peter, "go right on through the Pearly Gates. Next! and what did you do on Earth?" "I was a soundman" Saint Peter said: "Go around the side, up the freight elevator and through the kitchen."

A soundman died and was met by an angel at the gates to heaven. "I've got good news and bad news", the angel said. "The good news is you get to do sound on the best equipment for the rest of eternity. You will never have to re-eq the room and no one will ever ask for more in the monitors. The bad news is St. Peter has a girlfriend and he thinks she can sing."

A soundman died and appeared in a vast room where every great rock and roll legend was getting ready to play. Janis Joplin was there singing duets with Elvis and Jimi Hendrix was tuning up in the corner. The soundman thought: "I get to do sound for these guys? I must be in heaven". Just then Karen Carpenter got on the drums and said: "One more time "Close To You" And a one, and a two ...."

A soundman came home very late and very drunk and claimed he had been at the newest club in town trying to land a gig with the band. The club was called the Golden Bar and everything in the place was golden. They had golden chairs and golden tables and they even had a golden urinal in the golden bathroom. Unsatisfied with his story the wife went looking for the Golden Bar the next day. She found it right where he said it would be and they had golden chairs and golden tables. She asked the bartender: "Is is true that you have a golden urinal in the golden bathroom?' He looked at her for a moment and then called over his shoulder:"Hey, Harry, I think we got a lead on the guy that threw up in your saxophone!"

The concert was a a huge venue and load-in was going well so the soundman stopped by the hospitality tent for some refreshment. After a short while he got up, went to the front of the tent, stuck his head out and shouted:"Green goes up!" and went back to his seat. After another few minutes he got up, stuck his head out and shouted: "Green goes up" and resumed his seat. The bartender watched all this and finally had to inquire. "Well you see", said the soundman, "I have a crew of roadies out there placing trees around the stage and every so often I have to remind them that the green part goes on the top."

A man goes to an exotic tropical island for a vacation. As the boat nears the island, he notices the constant sound of drumming coming from the island. As he gets off the boat, he asks the first native he sees how long the drumming will go on. The native casts about nervously and says "very bad when the drumming stops." At the end of the day, the drumming is still going and is starting to get on his nerves. So, he ask another native when the drumming will stop. the native looks as if he's just been reminded of something very unpleasant. "Very bad when drumming stops," he says, and hurries off. After a couple of days with little sleep, our traveler is finally fed up, grabs the nearest native, slams him up against a tree, and shouts " What happens when the drumming stops?!!" "Bass solo."

[PoorGlory]

I will be forwarding this to a lot of people.

[Osumosan]

Originally Posted by surflounge

What does it mean when the lead guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth?
('The stage is level.')

Dude! You must be a drummer, since this is a drummer joke, not a guitar player joke!

[allphourus]

Originally Posted by Osumosan

Dude! You must be a drummer, since this is a drummer joke, not a guitar player joke!

Why Discriminate?

[Jim vanBergen]

Q: What's the definition of a musical "optimist"?
A: A trombonist with a pager.

Q: How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
A: Put music in front of him.

Q: What's perfect pitch?
A: When you throw a banjo into a dumpster and it hits an accordion!

Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: 1) a viola holds more beer; 2) a viola burns longer; 3) you can actually tune a violin!

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in his car?
A: Yeah, it took two hours to get the drummer out!

Q: Whats the difference between a lead vocalist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with terrorists.

Q: Whats the difference between a lead singer and a pit bull?
A: The jewelry.

Q: Whats the difference between a chick singer and a Porsche?
A: Most musicians have never been in a Porsche.

Q: Why is a music director like a condom?
A: it's safer with one, but a helluva lot more fun without!


And my favorite:
"Mommy," said the little girl, "can I get pregnant by anal intercourse?"
"Of course you can." her mother replied. "How do you think (insert your favorite here) are made?" [depending on the company, I might select: conductors, soloists, 1st violins, bassoonists, A&R Execs, and to kid myself, FOH engineers]

[John Willett]

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the best think about bagpipes?
A: They make perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

[The Byre]

Originally Posted by John Willett

Q: What's the best think about bagpipes?
A: They make perfect kindling for an accordion fire.

I have just recorded a pipe band with an accordion - John, you can hardly imagine just how that last joke resonates with me!

[Don S]

How do you know when have a viola section at your front door?

Nobody knows when to come in!

[chadly]

How do you get three flute players in tune?

Shoot two.

[KingDaddyO]

Thanks all ... I just came across this thread and I'm busting a gut here ... several in fact

HILARIOUS STUFF (and this from a guitar player!)

[GZsound]

Old Drummers Never Die....

They just beat off...

[rumleymusic]

Conductor Joke:

Q: What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra.

A: A bull has the horns in the front and the A$$ hole in the back.


Old orchestral musicians' saying:

Those who can't, teach.
Those who can't teach, conduct.

[aracu]

film crew joke:

Why did God create lightning first and then thunder later?

Because everyone has to hold for sound.

[mexicola]

What's the difference between a toilet and a monitor engineer?

A toilet only takes shit from one asshole at a time!

[Howie J]

Originally Posted by rumleymusic

Conductor Joke:

Q: What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra.

A: A bull has the horns in the front and the A$$ hole in the back.

Dan,

You beat me to it. We trumpet players can fit nicely in most of those jokes.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control??

A: Their personality

Howie J

[Remoteness]

Originally Posted by aracu

film crew joke:

Why did God create lightning first and then thunder later?

Because everyone has to hold for sound.

...and, I thought we held for lighting and, waited for audio.

[Indicator]

Hehe, some really nice ones here

My fave is "Know how to make one million dollars in the sound biz? Start with two.

[Washington]

How many Country music singers does it take to replace a light bulb?

Nine. One does it, and the others sit around singing how life was better under the ancient bulb.

[KingDaddyO]

Originally Posted by Indicator

Hehe, some really nice ones here

My fave is "Know how to make one million dollars in the sound biz? Start with two.

Yes, and oldie but goodie indeed. I think the version that I was familiar with, went something like this:

How do you make a million dollars on Wall Street? Start with 3 million ... ba da BING!!

[Jimbo]

Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?

A: No one cries when you chop-up a banjo.


(A joke the banjo player can tell when everyone else is telling banjo jokes)
Q: What's the difference between an banjo player and a proctologist?

A: A proctologist only has to deal with one a$$hole at a time.

[rumleymusic]

Dan,

You beat me to it. We trumpet players can fit nicely in most of those jokes.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control??

A: Their personality

Howie J

A fellow trumpeter? Then here is another:

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to actually change the bulb, and the rest to boast about how they could have done it better.

Have to be a trumpet player to really appreciate that one.

[Howie J]

International trumpet player greeting:

"Hi, I'm better than you."

Howie J

[plexisys]

What's the last thing a stripper says to her asshole at night?
Have a good band practice.

[rumleymusic]

"Hi, I'm better than you."

Yeah, well I already heard that joke along time ago from Bud Herseth, I am just going to sit here and play licks from Carinval of Venice and Flight of the Bumblebee as loud as I can on my Monette trumpet, what do you have? A Bach...pfft...I had one of those when I was a kid. You should really do the german Tu Ku Tu Tu style tounging, it is better.............blah..blahhh....

[matt2525]

How did the trumpet player get the weed out of his garden?...
He rooted it oot.

(only really works in a Scots accent mind you!)

[Enginearing]

and the difference between a sound guy and a pizza?

pizza can feed a family of 4

[jude]

Originally Posted by mexicola

What's the difference between a toilet and a monitor engineer?

A toilet only takes shit from one asshole at a time!

damn you, i wanted to post that one!

[Howie J]

Twist to one already mentioned....

Q:What's the difference between the dead squirrel and dead (soundman/tpt/tbone) in the road??

A:There were skid marks before the squirrel

Q: If you drop a viola and an oboe off the top of a building, which will hit first??

A: Who cares?

[fallforward]

So my friend, who plays accordion, told me his car window was smashed in last night, to make matters worse he had his most expensive accordion in the car. He was scared to open the door for fear his prized instrument would be gone, but he finally worked up the nerve and lo and behold… someone put six more accordions in his car!

TRUE STORY!

[LowFreak]

Beginning bass player goes for lessons. At the first lesson, the teacher shows the student 1st position notes on the E string, and tells him to go home to practice for a week, then come back for the A string. Second lesson, they cover notes on the A string, and the teacher says to practice the new notes, and come back again in another week. The student replies, "sorry, I can't make it. I have a gig."