How do you kill your clients?

Honestly-
if you had the option, and there were no moral consequences in the universe as you know it, no ethics or rights, how would you kill off your most annoying customers?

Had a guy come in tonight who was just full of himself... delivered four songs of singer-songwriter guitar/vocals to him in 7 hours of work that were easily radio-playable - mixed, mastered, everything.

Then he listens to it on his personal 'reference' headphones- obviously more reference than my monitors. Then he points out a strange 'zippering' noise that occurs in the very quiet passages. He was, of course, correct - it was the result of some dynamics gating- only, it occurred at about -40db! He was listening to it so loud the normal volume bits just about broke my ears, and then he insists that I fix it. Which I've done, of course - for no extra money, essentially.


WTF. 7 hours work was all he was willing to pay for, he asked for demo quality, I gave him radio-play quality (he agreed it was), and then... GARGHHH!!!
Ah, **** me.
Two pounds of C4 and a gun.
Perhaps some sharks wid frikkin' laser beams, on their heads.

m@

[joelpatterson]

With kindness, of course.

[lordwesley]

The punishment should fit the crime.
Beat them to death with their drumsticks.

[orange]

I'd force them to listen to my 3 hour jazz exploration played on bongos.

[DontLetMeDrown]

Let me get this straight... you want to kill your client because you couldn't nail the mix?

[pigcat]

Stuck his head into the kick drum and...Ya know... -->

That won't kill him of course, but since he love high spf...

[Sui_City]

Originally Posted by pigcat

Stuck his head into the kick drum and...Ya know... -->

That won't kill him of course, but since he love high spf...

he's a big fan of powerful sunscreen?

[bitman]

Or angry Sea Bass at least.

- And it's SPL (I'm going to show mercy and assume it's just a typo).



I have a client who sings on piano/vocal pieces. This is old pretty music.
He goes home and blasts it! - Then I have to mix out the extra sounds that are about -70db down.

I don't know why we're in this business. - Wait yes I do. So we can buy more gear.
--- What!!??

[Reptil]

strangulation.
sloooooowwwwly.
and....then I'll eat them.


(wtf?)

[billgennaro]

i like some of the ways kevin spacey killed people in the movie "seven". any of those methods should work fine for you. or maybe break out sting's "murder by numbers" and re-acquaint yourself with it. if that doesn't suit you maybe watch a few joe pesche movies and take his approach. when all else fails get a woman to tell him what a ******-bag he is. men get really hurt when women say things like that to them (sensitive creatures that we are).

best of luck with your decision.

bill

[sedohr]

Choke them with a compressor!

That'll teach 'em.

Kalli

[area51recording]

The headphones are your friend! While he's listening, you come up from behind and take him out "Goodfellas" style- icepick to the base of the skull. Quick, quiet, not much blood at all. The real problem is disposal- do you "chop 'em up", bury him in the crawlspace, or put a ham bone up his a#s and let the dog have at him? If you've got friends in the "construction business" maybe they could be persuaded to "Jimmy Hoffa" the guy for you- you know, 55 gallon drum and a car crusher. Or you could just cash the check.......

Originally Posted by DontLetMeDrown

Let me get this straight... you want to kill your client because you couldn't nail the mix?

Not at -40db I didn't, you idiot
Course, I could've nailed the client instead.
Thanks for the suggestions guys! Don't give me too many ideas, I might be tempted to try one!
Hyuk
M@t

Originally Posted by orange

I'd force them to listen to my 3 hour jazz exploration played on bongos.

Oooo... nice...
I have some experimental metal cds that may work equally well. Or I could force him to listen to my music for 7 hours straight
m@

[mm-pro]

Tainted sushi.

Regards,

MM

[waveterm]

This is how you do it :

YouTube - Nile City - Greger leker med en fisk

WT

[Keldog]

I usually kill em with extreme flatulance and locked doors.

[backplay]

Chop his head of with a limiter. No more headroom

[Berolzheimer]

I think you should thank your client because when he gives that mix to a mastering engineer & that -40 becomes -10, it'd become quite noticable. He saved you some embarassment.

[billgennaro]

Originally Posted by Berolzheimer

I think you should thank your client because when he gives that mix to a mastering engineer & that -40 becomes -10, it'd become quite noticable. He saved you some embarassment.

ain't that the truth!

[YZ!]

Originally Posted by Berolzheimer

I think you should thank your client because when he gives that mix to a mastering engineer & that -40 becomes -10, it'd become quite noticeable. He saved you some embarrassment.

+1

[Sqye]

.

watch a cuppla episodes of prime suspect, and i'm sure you'll get some ideas....



oh, and kill them softly... with his song

[narcoman]

Make them edit their own drum tracks and vocals......

[Sqye]

Originally Posted by narcoman

Make them edit their own drum tracks and vocals......

lol +1...

[Farshad]

A bit of hard clipping can do wonders!

[tsvisser]

Originally Posted by billgennaro

i like some of the ways kevin spacey killed people in the movie "seven". any of those methods should work fine for you. or maybe break out sting's "murder by numbers" and re-acquaint yourself with it. if that doesn't suit you maybe watch a few joe pesche movies and take his approach. when all else fails get a woman to tell him what a ******-bag he is. men get really hurt when women say things like that to them (sensitive creatures that we are).

best of luck with your decision.

bill

Speaking of Kevin Spacey, I actually like his role in the reversed position in "Swimming With Sharks" with Frank Whaley. A bit more light hearted than Seven and full of dark humor, but a great Spacey role. Anyone see Frank Whaley play drums with his brother's band The Niagras? Awesome performers the both of them.

[heathen]

Just turn up to his next gig and cut the earth on the pa, when his fingers are on them guitar strings and his lips touch that mic stike WHACK! stike You'll have right where you want him.

[lordnielson]

[mcgwd]

Lock him in your smallest closet and blast some Merzbow

[Sqye]

.

these guys usually work ok.

.