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Top 10 things you don't want to hear your client say....
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polybonk
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#1
1st April 2012
Old 1st April 2012
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Top 10 things you don't want to hear your client say....

In the spirit of the other thread, this should get some good laughs as well.

1: I forgot my wallet, I will get you the cash on Monday.

2: That is the only mix we have.

3: We set the recorder to MP3 so that we would have lots of space and capture everything on our tour for the live album.

4: Really? You should use wav instead of MP3's for all your samples?(happens quite a bit)

5: I made the mix really loud for you.

6: Death magnetic is the best album ever, but we want ours even louder!!!

7: I used a widener on the master buss to make it big.

8: Sorry mate, while you were getting the coffee I touched that shiny focal tweeter and my finger went straight through!

9: The pressings are f*%ked, we want you to pay for all 50 000!!!

10: Sorry mate, we had a massive gig last night and while you were getting the coffee Neal threw up everywhere. Those sparks and smoke coming out of the Fairchild are a bad thing aren't they?
#2
1st April 2012
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Making any eq suggestions with a blue tooth ear piece still over one ear.
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1st April 2012
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I'm having you and another guy do this job and which ever one does a better job gets paid.
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1st April 2012
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hey dude , du you have some loong papers , wanna roll a splif..... so i can feel more what you r doin..... ahhh , ähhhhh - forgot ma weed..... can you gimme some......
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1st April 2012
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OMF
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so....how do you like our music?
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"Can you bounce an instrumental for us please?! You can just extract it from the file I gave you right?"

"Oh sh''t, looks like the mixer didn't bounce the outro vox on this one. I can see you have a few mics here though.."

True stories both.
#8
1st April 2012
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I find one of the most soul destroying is

"awesome can we have the reverb the same but different?"

Insert anything where the word reverb is haha usually just playing it again and tweaking an inactive channel makes it sound just perfect!
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1st April 2012
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Quoted from real life over the past few months..............

I have already SRCd and dither to 16 for you, this is how it will end up on the CD anyway.

Can you "correct" the vocals out of the first chorus?

We used a sub kick and 808 triggered tones, we mixed the whole album on NS10 and to our ears sounds fantastic.

We need to add verb to the piano, this is done in mastering isn't it?
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1st April 2012
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"I finally got a label to release my stuff, and they are going to do all the mastering in-house for me now."

I check their label page, and they are doing it all in the box with KRK Rockits and a Mackie desk. I check some audio clips of some of their releases, and they are all crushed smiley curve. I keep my fingers crossed that the client will notice and come back to me one day. Not funny at all, and seems to be happening a lot more these days. :(
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Can you mix down these 48 tracks for me?

Do you do stems?
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"The mix guy said that getting rid of the (-15 dBFS) electrical buzz (with tons of harmonics) will be very easy for you... No, a remix isnt possible, he already erased the takes."

^True story. + the songs were half mixed. Well , I learned a lot about restauration and about "redoing a mix" from a stereo file with EQ automation...
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"I've written the song.... I just need the music to sing it over..... that shouldn't take more than an hour should it?"
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We don't really need this thread, just go read all the first posts in the "Where To" forum.
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I recorded the first 5 songs in a professional studio and the other 7 in my buddy's garage... I want this record to sound consistent from beginning to end. By the way I only have about $200 to get this thing mastered we can do all of this a few hours can't we....

I can't attend the session and I don't have email, so when it is done can you mail me a disc and if I like it I'll mail you a check.

^^^ same job
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Both happened (the first, many times):

"No, we'd like you to retain the dynamics. But it shouldn't be lower in volume then other music on Spotify".

"I saw that you charge 80 per hour....my song is 3 minutes so it'll cost me around 5, right?"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by I.R.Baboon View Post
Both happened (the first, many times):
"I saw that you charge 80 per hour....my song is 3 minutes so it'll cost me around 5, right?"
Gotta love dumb people. Makes life more interesting.

It's like asking a ho "Oh a blow job is a $50. I've got an 8 inch dick. If you only suck the tip it's like 10 bucks, right?".
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The following are all true.

"I forgot to add reverb, can you do it?"

"Do you know what all these knobs do?"

"That's perfect, don't change the sound, just make it really loud!"

"We totally screwed up the ending, you can fix that right?"

"I call my monitors Crayolas because they color the sound."

"I went with "xx" because he got my free sample louder than you."

After spending hours cleaning up buffer underruns... "I didn't hear any clicks/pops in the mix."

"That sounds great, can you save the presets? I'll have some more mixes for you in a few weeks."
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" You smell nice"
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"You smell so nice I'm going to have to eat you... fwh fwh fwh."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IIIrd View Post
" You smell nice"

male or female???

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Producerman View Post
Gotta love dumb people. Makes life more interesting.

It's like asking a ho "Oh a blow job is a $50. I've got an 8 inch dick. If you only suck the tip it's like 10 bucks, right?".
yeah? is that what it's like asking, John?
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Weiss View Post
male or female???


depends...either could be creepy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IIIrd View Post
"You smell nice"
Thank you for bringing back such an awkward memory!

Not kidding... this girl said I smelled like cherries... which wasn't true at all.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wado1942 View Post
"That sounds great, can you save the presets? I'll have some more mixes for you in a few weeks."
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One of our engineers greeted the client, warmly shook his hand....went up to the room, sat him down, asked if he wanted coffee...
the guy said, "yes please...i've had a rotten journey, the abscess in my mouth burst on the train and I had to spit it out all into my hand...."
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Unfortunately all true scenarios...

Can you do stem mastering after the song is already mixed down? Our lead singer quit the band and we want to put someone else in singing his parts. If you can't do stems can you just take out the lead singer?

I pre-mastered this for you so now you can do the real mastering in less time and not charge us as much.

We recorded some of these tracks in my house but they were not so good so we went to a studio and recorded the rest of the tracks but now we want you to make our home recorded tracks the same as the ones that we recorded at the studio. That shouldn't be too hard should it?

Our drummer was having problems with his playing but we liked the vibe so now we want you to "pro tool" the beats and make them sound good and in time. Of course we mixed it all down so it would be easier for you do work on.

I know there is a lot of distortion on the mix-down and we liked it at the time but now after hearing it a bit and talking to our friends we want you to take out the distortion. Is this going to cost a lot?

The tracks were all done in an abandoned silo on my Dad's farm but there is too much echo so can you just take out the echo and leave the music?

My guitar player wants his part made a lot louder but we did not pay for the ADAT tapes and they got erased by the studio so we don't have the master tapes anymore and can't do a remix. Is this going to be hard to do?

I did all the recording in my kitchen on my 4 track cassette recorder. It is me playing pots and pans and a toy piano. I recorded it with a Radio Shack microphone I bought at the second hand store for a dollar and it sounds GREAT to me but I think it needs some mastering to make it sound even better.

I have these tracks that I want to get mastered. They are on some DAT tapes and I no longer have a DAT machine so can we listen to all of these (9 tapes) and find where the songs I want to master are and can you do this for free since I don't have any money.

I was in a band and we did a recording. I have the master mix-down but since I don't have permission from the band members to use the tape can you take them all out and just leave me so I can use it as a demo?

I know you are really really good but I have a problem. The tape recorder we used for the mix down was having some speed problems and at the end the recorder speeds up (actually it slowed down but speeds up when played back normally) so I was wondering if there was someway to make the tape speed normal? I am willing to pay you for your time as long as it doesn't take over an hour.

My friends and I recorded and video taped this really great song but we have some noise in the background that needs to get taken out before we can put this up on You Tube so can you take out the noise and leave the music (The "noise" was a building being torn down two houses away)

My master CD got cracked when it fell out of the car and I stepped on it can you make it play back normally and then can you master the tunes? I would really like to get this done soon and I really don't have a lot of money. I tried playing the disk back on my stereo system but it would not play and I think the cracked CD messed up my CD player. The guy who did the mix-downs says his computer crashed and this is the only copy of the mix-down. Thanks in advance.

Can you do this mastering for some beer and maybe a pizza?

I have a lot of tunes I want to get mastered. The master tape was done in Europe and they said I may have problems getting it to play here in the states. Also the tape got wet but we put it into my oven and baked it so it should be OK shouldn't it?

My dog urinated on my master tape and I did not know what to do so I put it in the dishwasher and turned it on. Now the tape won't play what should I do? I need to get this mastered but I only have this one tape and the recording studio is no longer in business. Buy the way this tape is 20 years old.

More later...
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