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16th August 2008
| #1 |
| Gear maniac Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: the land of rhinestones and PBR
Posts: 253
Thread Starter | facts about steve albini got this in an email today. it's worth a chuckle. Albini Facts Steve Albini doesn't need microphones to record hit records. He listens carefully, then he writes it all down. Steve Albini doesn't need name brand equipment to make hit records. All he needs is a ball of copper and an electrical outlet. Steve Albini doesn't need a lathe to cut records. His can draw waveforms free-hand. Steve Albini doesn't need a tuner for his guitars when playing on hit records. His guitars are not out of tune. Steve Albini doesn't need an instrument to calibrate his tape decks for he can sing 1000 hertz. Steve Albini invented Big Black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Steve Albini's physique is actually massive. His public image is a cover he uses to lure his enemies into a false sense of security. Steve Albini didn't use a drum machine in Big Black. He produced the beats by conjuring the power of thunder through his guitar. On a cruise with his girlfriend Steve Albini made an amplifier out of two mattresses and a pitcher of Sangria. It sounds amazing. Shellac is not allowed to play Los Angeles as Steve Albini's guitar tone would cause California to fall into the ocean. Some people say that there was no good music before Steve Albini. We call those people enlightened. Steve Albini can turn copper into gold. Steve Albini doesn't need to shower. Every morning Bob Weston licks him clean. Before meeting Steve Albini, Dave Grohl played drums like Ringo Starr. Steve Albini is the reason why Connor Oberst is so sad. Steve Albini can disguise his body in the shape of a plane and overthrow rogue nations. With his charm. Steve Albini's glasses are really windows into your soul. Steve Albini singlehandedly invented the process of recording sound to tape 35 years before he was born. Steve Albini can balance the nation's budget with a calculator watch and a bottle of jim bean. Unfortunately he does not drink. Chicago style deep dish pizza was invented when Steve Albini's kick drum sound punched craters in the dough. Inside Steve Albini's ears are another set of ears. God paid Steve Albini points on the creation of the universe. Steve Albini was sent into the desert with nothing but a shaving razor. Four days later he returned with the master tapes for Atomizer. Steve Albini has his own currency. It's a penny with his head on side and the word BAD on the other side. Steve Albini drinks crude oil and pisses kerosene. Steve Albini ejaculates 12AX7s. All of Steve Albini's thoughts are recorded directly onto a Studer A820 and may only be converted to vinyl by analogue mastering. Steve Albini ****ed your girlfriend once. Maybe twice, he can't remember. God wrote a song called "Prayer to Steve Albini." Steve Albini doesn't rip off the Chuck Norris Facts. They were originally about him, but it would cost extra to use his name.
__________________ The Hillbilly Casino, takin the piss outta roots music since 2005. www.t  illbillycasino.comwww.myspace.com/hillbillycasino |
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16th August 2008
| #2 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 753
| I guess Steve Albini has made it, if this email is anything to go by. Honest, I'm a pro at this, but I can't find any laughs in it. I have looked. Guess you hadda be there. So, Al Jolson was trying to intimidate an engineer on a recording session and for some reason it just wasn't working. Finally, Jolson shouted at the guy, "I got four million dollars. What'chyou got?" The engineer replied, "Four friends." Oh well, 3rd&4thT
__________________ "Batteries Not Included." "Safe When Taken As Directed." "Available at All Fine Stores." "Check Our Website." "Ask Your Doctor." "Now on DVD." "Member FDIC." "Except in Nebraska." ---------------- Voiceover Tag Team |
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16th August 2008
| #3 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: usa
Posts: 1,957
| weston gives "licking" showers ? i knew he was a nice guy...but i had no idea. cool. best, jchristopherhughes
__________________ www.jchristopherhughes.com Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question. -e.e. cummings |
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17th August 2008
| #4 | |
| Gear addict  Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 452
| That is really funny. My fav is: Quote:
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17th August 2008
| #5 | |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: london
Posts: 5,857
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17th August 2008
| #6 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 5,904
| lame |
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20th August 2008
| #7 |
| Gear Guru  Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Columbus, Ohio
Posts: 12,364
| Dude ... this is not interesting or funny, and it's really long. Maybe it's an age thing but I don't get this at all. What's the meaning? Steve Albini is a guy living and recording in Chicago for a fair price in top professional form. He's built some lovely rooms and a wonderful mic collection from past collaborations. If you want a natural presentation he's as good as anyone doing it. Are you complimenting him, or making fun of him or what ... I'm confused.
__________________ brian lucey magic garden mastering The Shins, Dr. John, The Black Keys, OAR, David Lynch, Sami Yusuf, moe., Hacienda, Jessica Lea Mayfield Spiral Groove Studio One mixing monitors |
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28th August 2008
| #8 |
| Gear nut Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 133
| some of you must not be familiar with the Chuck Norris Facts. |
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2nd September 2008
| #9 | |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Dublin , Ireland
Posts: 1,917
| Quote:
albini is now an immortal with chuck norris.. and rightly so. | |
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12th December 2008
| #10 |
| Gear Head Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 32
| Why so serious, everyone? Love him or hate him (dont see how you could hate him though), those facts are mildly entertaining. |
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12th December 2008
| #11 | |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 3,337
| Quote:
I love the quote about Al Jolson, that's awesome.
__________________ "Exceptional people talk about ideas. Normal people talk about things. Those with limited abilities talk about other people." - Quoted by Jim Coleman | |
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16th December 2008
| #12 |
| Registered User Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 210
| NOT really that funny, but: "Steve Albini ejaculates 12AX7s." is actually pretty damn funny. |
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16th December 2008
| #13 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: seattle, WA
Posts: 2,524
| im not to sure about the internet... Chicagoist: LOLbini |
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16th December 2008
| #14 |
| Gear interested Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 19
| Hey, it's funnier than the "Behringer causing AIDS" gag. |
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17th December 2008
| #15 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: NJ, USA
Posts: 589
  | Funny stuff! |
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21st December 2008
| #16 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: St. Louis, MO USA (Hot Louis)
Posts: 1,544
| I'm not a huge Steve Albini fan, but I thought they were pretty funny. 
__________________ I think you'll find that 'generic and flavourless' is generally something that occurs before the microphone -Karloff70 Two f**in' weeks to make up your mind whether you want a beard or you want a job. This is the Buddy Rich Band; young people...with faces!- Buddy Rich |
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8th January 2009
| #17 |
| Gear addict  Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: USA
Posts: 389
| suck his cock already.funny though |
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9th January 2009
| #18 | |
| Lives for gear Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: cocoa beach FL.
Posts: 1,101
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9th January 2009
| #19 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Denver Colorado
Posts: 1,194
| Was Al Jolson a jagoff or something? I'm not familiar with the context, although the story is good! |
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15th January 2009
| #20 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: May 2006 Location: Montréal
Posts: 1,783
| I thought it was pretty funny ! And I like the guy alot ! |
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16th January 2009
| #21 | |
| Gear maniac Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 233
| Quote:
that's my favorite. If you LOVE Shellac as much as I do and are familiar with the guys, you have to think this is funny  All in all Steve Albini has a sharp sense of humor that few people get. | |
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16th January 2009
| #22 |
| Gear addict  Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Madrid
Posts: 462
| I just can't get it definitely ('cos I'm a spaniard maybe) In any case I respect Albini enough to enter here. |
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3rd July 2009
| #23 |
| Lives for gear  Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,390
| Funny stuff!  |
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