Don't be afraid of being obvious. There is enough un-obvious stuff going on in the song, but it needs a spine. theblue1 is totally right about the performances but I get the strong sense that you can fix that easily. It's more about the arrangement. You have a wonderfully deconstructed pop song here, but because you're down on repetition, it doesn't have anything that the listener can hook onto to make sense of it. It's clear to me that it makes sense to YOU -- so now you just have to clue the listener in. That could be as simple as tambo 16ths, or a bass line, or any kind of repetitive or rhytmic figure that underlies the whole song. Go listen to some Love, or early Wire.
To borrow a quote from 60's Dylan: To live outside the law, you must be honest. |
Only we're talking about rhythm. Same thing.
Yep, exactly. Exciting stuff, among the most interesting (to me) I've heard on this forum.