Not really a
songwriting issue, I should think. You'd probably get more on-point feedback in the check-my-mix forum (that said I never seem to be able to find it when I'm looking for it).
Anyhow, no, doesn't sound muddy on my rig.
Sound systems in clubs, restaurants, and coffee houses are typically all over the map and often really messed up. If your confidence in your own rig (and your car 'reference'
) is low, you may need to work with that. One thing that often happens with untreated or poorly treated rooms is that the wide variations if 'room response' from point to point (even a few inches apart) in such a room means you hear your mix one way from point X but may hear it substantially different, as much as 30 or 40 dB of difference at different room resonances, only a half foot or so away. (This is because of comb filtering produced by 'overlapping' standing waves in the room.) And
that can certainly cut down on your confidence in your mix.
But, speaking of songwriting/arranging, it
does seem to cry out for some foreground elements... like a vocal or lead instruments singing/playing a melody. Call me old-fashioned...
Or, if you want to go the 'opposite' direction and take it into dub land, then I'd say it needs some shape cut into the arrangement (actually, I think I'd say it anyway -- I think I'd knock out some of those elements in different sections to differentiate them a little and hopefully build some tension and release). Pull things out as the spirit moves, pop them back for a moment with some echo, perhaps drop in some other fx or sounds. But, even so, if you listen to most dub, it still has foreground, even though both it and the background are often radically minimalized.
Of course, maybe this is a work in progress. (If so, well, there are some points to think about above moving forward.
)