This whole thread has really made me laugh so very, very much.
Short answer, learn to play more quietly. Play with a belt tied around your chest and upper-arms. Gary Chester was an advocate of this as it forces you to play all from your elbows down as opposed to winding up into each beat. This will work best if all of your drums are within reach while tied up (I'm aware this sounds very S&M but go with me on this one). Basically make all your movements smaller, let the sticks and gravity do the bulk of the work for you. I'm not suggesting doing this at a gig, but force yourself to learn a new set of smaller, more efficient movements in your playing. You could also do yourself a favour and work on GLADSTONE and MOELLER techniques.
Or, to echo nutmeg, smaller sizes. Specifically, a 16" (or smaller) kick, with a 12" tom as your lowest pitched tom. Works for me
. One of my old drum mentors still gigs regularly with a 14" kick. Admittedly it's jazz, but when it's miked up and eq'd does the job admirably. Or go for something without actual shells like a FlatTraps set (or something like that).
But seriously, anyone complaining about the lack of quiet acoustic drums being '********' is pretty short sighted, especially comparing them to things like electric guitars. It's not a lack of equipment, it's a lack of skill. Sorry, but it's true. I'm not saying it's easy, but the things in life that are worth it never are. You need to up your game and your technique. Buy yourself a copy of GL Stone's 'Stick Control' and work through it methodically. It does what it says on the tin. If you do it properly you'll be able to play the book at every speed and every volume you want.
Just some thoughts and observations, YMMV and all that stuff. And to quote Tony Williams, "Of course my drums sound loud.....They're drums!!"