[James Lugo]

a couple of gear reviews...lol

Product: Jackson Rhoads Custom Shop Polka Dot V
by Rip Glitter

Features : 10
All right, shit is just getting out of hand here. People keep e-mailing me
wanting to know all about my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V. Like I
don't have anything better to do than sit here and write reviews? ****
that. When I'm not pulling double shifts at Walgreens, I'm spending my
time the way any true rocker knows how -- banging HEADS and banging SLUTS,
with some quality brew time with my good buddy Dino on the side. Whether
it's shredding out with my new band SLUTBANGER, or my side project
LETHALICON, I always keep the intense metal mayhem BURNING like the crotch
of a Vietnamese *****. You know what I'm talking about.

Anyways, I'm not going to tell you all that technical bullshit that you
don't want to hear. All that shit about double-locking tremoloes,
humbuckers, strings, and all the stuff that dudes who liked Slayer's
"Diabolus In Musica" better than "South of Heaven" probably care about. If
you don't own "South of Heaven," then give me call so I can come over and
beat you senseless with my SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, because
you're about as metal as that kid whose ass I stomped at the last
Insatanity show because he asked me if i liked the latest GORETICIAN disc.
On the other hand, if you didn't know that "South of Heaven" is a Slayer
album, then you should probably call your mom or whoever it is that kept
your crib too close to the microwave and thanks them for ****ing up your
BRAIN so much that you're totally ignorant of the most savagely INTENSE
metal album since Blizzard of Ozz.

As for my Signature - you bet your ass - SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V,
it used to be all polka dot and shit, but Dino hooked me up with this
wicked artist named Arturo who works down in Romeoville. He did a
sweet-ass painting of a wolf pack hunting at night. Even though I had to
stop playing with Rabid Wolf after that ****head Jimmy actually asked me
to turn it DOWN one day at practice, probably because he's what we true
metal maniacs like to call "a pussy assed bitch," it's still a killer
wicked paint job that I'm gonna match on my Camaro hood once I finish up
my neighbor's lawn.

Sound : 10
You want to know what the SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V sounds like?
Let me introduce you to a little something called UNCAGED METAL
DESTRUCTION. When I first got my V, I went down into my basement, plugged
it into my EVH 5150 custom half-stack with a 300-foot cord, and then I
climbed up into my attic and stood in the window, looking over my
neighborhood and wondering if they had any idea that there was about to be
a full-frontal metal assault rolling straight through their homes. As I
hit that first power G chord, I felt my house rumble as the sonic metal
INVASION trampled its way through its walls and loosed itself upon my
unsuspecting neighbor, who was stupid enough to come out from his backyard
and ask me what was going on. I mean, by now the neighbors know that when
I'm standing in that attic window, they should watch where they step
because their BALLS are about to be rocked off.

So ANYWAY, there I am, giving my neighbor a good look at what it means to
be a true rocker, and just for fun I start practicing some killer Maiden
licks when he tries to tell me to turn it down or he'd call the police. Do
I look like I have time for his rules?? I'm ****ing rocking out, man! I
unzipped my pants and told him what he could do with his police.

Anyway, the point is, the SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, if you're
lucky enough to own one, will grab you by the throat and spit nothing but
pure, UNADULTERATED METAL TONE in your face. Why am I telling you this? If
you haven't heard this guitar by now, then you obviously have no concept
of what true METAL is all about. You've heard what I've said about Mexican
Stratocasters? I bet you play one, don't you, you little bitch? That's
what I thought. The Randy Rhoads V gives you maximum tonal definition
while acting as a massive slut magnet at every show you bring it to. Just
keep a rag handy, because chicks get so wet around this baby, they might
end up dripping all over the EQ knobs, and that can seriously **** up your
electronics

Action, Fit, & Finish : 10
Does this guitar have any flaws? Maybe the fact that you'll have to waste
more time kicking the asses of punks that come over and hang around in
your basement trying to get a look at it. Like when I came home one day
from Dino's, and I heard some totally un-metal, pussy-ass, limp-wristed
NON-POWER-CHORDS coming from my basement. I kicked open the door with my
boot and found my ****ing little brother Randy actually trying to PLAY MY
****ING GUITAR. Now as you know, this was just one of the many occasions
that I found Randy ****ing with my shit. Mom says that I should be nicer
to him because he looks up to me. **** that! I was the one who named him
Randy (after you-know-who), in the hopes that he might end up being a
brutal demon of speed metal and we could rock out like true brothers of
doom, but instead he's just a snotty little punk who likes to get his
grubby little hands on my shit. So I had to teach him a lesson.

I grabbed that Jackson V out of his hands and twisted the guitar strap
around his neck while it was still on the guitar, and then I put the
guitar on his shoulders, strapped his hands to either end with a couple
spare cables I had lying around, and I pulled off my belt. Man, could he
scream! After five or six whips across the back with my studded Motorhead
belt buckle, Mom came down and started yelling at me. She started
unstrapping him from the guitar, and I only got a couple more licks in
across his shoulders before I had to stop my axe from hitting the ground.
That paint job was ****ing expensive, you know? Mom kept screaming and
Randy's blowing snot everywhere because he was crying like a ****ing
little mama's boy. I mean, if he's not ready to face the lion, then why'd
he walk in the cage? That's what I say. I tried to explain to my mom that,
quite obviously, Randy had not grown up to be as metal as we both had
hoped, but she totally didn't understand. But I'll tell you one thing - it
was a lon time before Randy ****ed with any of my shit anymore.

Reliability/Durability : 10
Have you ever grabbed your axe by the neck and clocked some punk in the
teeth with it because he said that "Powerslave" is a better album than
"Seventh Son"? I have, and let me tell you, my SIGNATURE Jackson V split
his face without picking up a scratch. This baby has taken more beatings
than Cannibal Corpse's drum kit on "The Bleeding." As for reliability, do
I sound like the kind of poser who would play anything but the BEST guitar
for hours upon hours of thrashing metal annihilation? Not ONCE has my V
let me down, not even when I got so overwhelmed by its killer tone that I
had to climb up on my 5150 half stack and jump onto my lead singer's back,
guitar and all. I mean, sometimes there's just so much metal pounding
through my brain that I just have to let it out, you know? Anyway, after I
started chewing on his ear, he threw me and my Jackson V on the ground,
but the V never once stopped ejaculating its hot metal love juice all over
me.

Customer Support : No Opinion
Dude, haven't I told you that I NEVER, EVER TALK TO CORPORATE NON-ROCKERS
about my gear? You might as well just buy yourself a pretty little
keyboard and start up some pussy dance pop band, because those are the
only people who would actually call somebody in an OFFICE and ask them how
to rock.

Overall Rating : 10
This guitar cost about five times more than my car, but it's worth every
penny. Do you want to get swallowed up by a WHIRLWIND OF BRUTALITY, not to
mention by all those metal sluts who will be dropping to their knees for
you when they see you walking backstage with that alligator-skinned guitar
case and a pair of electric blue spandex pants? If not, then stay on your
couch and strum your Simon and Garfunkel songs on whatever lame acoustic
guitar you just found in your closet. But if you're ready to get sweaty
with the hottest metal sluts this side of Gary, Indiana, then grab your
wallet and stop acting like such a bitch. Once, when I hit a particularly
animalistic harmonic on this baby, I heard this ear-shattering screech. It
wasn't coming out of my amp, but from the alley behind my dad's garage.
When I walked out back, I found that my precisely honed chops, when
matched up with the SIGNATURE Jackson V, were enough to induce seizures
into the family of raccoons that live in our dumpster. So don't buy this
guitar if you're someone who only goes halfway, because the SIGNATURE
Randy Rhoads Jackson V will know. So if you try to plug this thing into a
Fender Blues Combo or some other pussy piece of shit amp that isn't ready
to unleash an unrelenting METAL STORM on the world, it will probably just
stop working, or maybe even attempt to choke you to death with the guitar
strap. Don't ask me how. This thing is ****ing brutal.
THBv2.0


Peavey 5150


Features: 10
Let get one this straight: the Peavey 5150 is made only for rockers who
can handle balls-swallowing METAL ACTION (or AXE-shun). So if you wearing
some ****ing backwards red baseball cap and thinking you're gonna be the
next Korn Against the Bizkit or whatever the **** you listen to, then you
might as well just take that $5,000 Les Paul your uncle gave you and throw
it under the tires of whatever pussy-ass sport coupe you're driving,
because the 5150 doesn't have TIME for your PUSSY-ASS ****!

See, the people at Peavey were smart, because they put like twenty knobs
on the 5150. Anyone who knows how to truly rock knows there's only one
knobs that matters -- GAIN. That way, when the salesman sees you plugging
in the Mexico-made Fender strat or whatever other pussy-ass guitar you
pick off the rack, and he sees you start messing with every knob on the
board while you insult the 5150 with your blatantly non-metal licks, he
can kick your sorry ass OFF the chair and beat you like the REO Speedwagon
fan you probably are, because no one who truly understood the 5150 would
waste time with knobs when they could be pumping out some killer
Sacrificium tunes on a Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V at top volume.

Sound Quality: 10
You know what I use. SIGNATURE Randy Rhoads Jackson V, downtuned to B,
with only my DOD FX-59 THRASHMASTER pedal between it and the 5150 (look up
the THRASHMASTER for my other reviews). Yesterday, I took my 5150 over to
my friend Dino's house, and he opened it up and disconnected every knob
except the GAIN one, and then we busted that knob off so it's permanently
stuck at 10, because that's the only number I need to know when it comes
to pumping out my hot n' tasty licks with my new side project, LETHALICON,
when we hit the stage at the Greenbriar Community Center every Thursday.
After Dino and I modded my amp, every time i hit a low B, it sounds like
the members of Hierarchical Punish are in my basement, beating the members
of Civilization Hatred to death with amplified, unbridled metal brutality.
This amp is for PURE, SLUTBANGING METAL, so don't even touch it unless
you're ready to proclaim your dedication to annihilation!

Reliability: 10
I always say a good amp is like a good woman -- if it lasts through the
first couple beatings, it's yours for life. This baby can take all the
kicks and still pump out the hottest licks. Once, when I caught my little
brother looking at my Signature Randy Rhoads Jackson V, I strapped his
head to the 5150 and hung him out the window by his ankles. He kept
squirmin' and hollerin' until finally I dropped him, but it was okay,
because the 5150 was hooked back up in minutes, and none of the blood or
snot stopped it from giving me the hot metal injection I demand. Let me
put it this way: the 5150 will treat you better than any girlfriend,
because it screams louder, it's easier to pick up, and it shuts up when
you take your plug out.

Customer Support: 10
You think I have time to talk to corporate non-rockers about this ****? No
****ing way! Any time I got a problem with anything, my amigo Dino sets me
up just fine. Sometimes, I'll call the customer service number, and when
they pick up the phone, I'll put the receiver down by my amp and crank out
"Fool for the City" by Foghat just to show my appreciation. They're never
on the phone when I finish, but I'm sure they like to hear how at least
SOME of us know how to use their amps for the prep-smacking ROCK they
wanna hear.

Overall Rating: 10
I've been playing long enough to know that this amp kicks more ass and
gets more chicks than my band's last bass player. Look, if you're still
reading this review, then you obviously have some sort of cranial damage.
If you do, that means you probably already own a 5150 and a Signature
Randy Rhoads Jackson V, in which case, KEEP ROCKIN'! Because if you didn't
already own one of these, by now you should be at Guitar Center, buying
your 5150 head and telling them how they need to hold a Guitar Center
5150-a-thon, because it's the only amp that matters anyway.

Submitted by Rip Glitter at 02/16/2001 10:30