[WATYF]

Scene 12:

[Two friends sit down at a table in a local burger joint]


Jim: Man... I'm starving. I haven't eaten all day.

Bob: Me neither man.

Jim: What you got there?

Bob: It's a triple cheese burger with everything. Same thing I always get. These things are awesome!

Jim: Really? You get the same thing every time?

Bob: Yeah, dude. Best burger in town.

Jim: What the hell's wrong with you?

Bob: Huh?

Jim: I said, "What... the... hell... is... wrong... with... youuuu?" How can you always eat the same thing? Don't you like variety?

Bob: Uh... I dunno dude... I found the thing that I like the most here and I just get that.

Jim: But that's STUPID. You can't just like one kind of thing and always just eat that... you have to try DIFFERENT things. You HAVE to have variety when it comes to taste in food.

Bob: What? No I don't. I like this and so I eat it.

Jim: But that's f#@king ********. Are you stupid?

Bob: Dude... that's not cool.

Jim: Hey, I'm just drawing the obvious conclusion, here. Unlike you, I eat a different thing off of the menu every time I come here. That's the right way to do it.

Bob: Uh... ok.

Jim: Yeah... see... even though some things I don't like as "much" as others, I mix it up, because that's what you SHOULD do.

Bob: Uh.... ok. Whatever man. To each his own.

Jim: No, no.... none of this "to each his own" bulls#@t. I'M RIGHT. There is only ONE way to express your taste in food and that is to try all kinds of different things..... unless, of course, lots of people like it.

Bob: What??

Jim: Yeah... if it's something that lots of people like, it's bad.

Bob: Says who?

Jim: Says ME, dumb@ss. If it's a popular menu item, I won't eat it, because people are stupid..... and they're sheep, too... yeah... "sheep"... I like to call them "sheeple".... get it? ...it's a play on words.... I'm pretty witty like that.

Bob: Uh...

Jim: Yeah, so anyway... if lots of "sheeple" (tee hee) like it, then you know it's bad. You can't go liking food that the majority likes.

Bob: Why not?

Jim: BECAUSE, dude.... because that's the way it is. It's a universal truth that cannot be denied. I'm right. You'll just have to get used to it.

Bob: Man, you're really creeping me out here.

Jim: Whatever man... so anyway... today I'm trying the pickled pigs feet sandwich. It smells like absolute dogsh#t, but not a single SOUL has ordered this in over a month, so that means it's the coolest thing in this joint.

Bob: That's f#@king insane, dude.

Jim: You just don't GET it, man..... but that's OK. Not everyone can be as enlightened as me. You see, most people just don't realize that food HAS to be "different" to be "good". For example... I might like that triple cheeseburger. Hell, it might be the best thing I'd ever put in my mouth... but I'd never eat it. And even if I did, I would definitely never ADMIT it. It's just too "clichéd". Too many people have already jumped on that bandwagon. So what I'd do... is I'd take one of those triple cheese burgers and change a few things about it to make it "original". Yeah... that way, it's completely derivative, just like everything else, but most people don't realize it. So... I'd remove the cheese, and replace it with some whipped cream. Then I'd cut the burger open and stuff it full of chex mix. Yeah. And, of course, the exterior has to look totally different (that's the best way to make people think it's "original"). So I'd get rid of the buns and wrap it in scones instead. I'd get bonus points, because scones are British... and anything British is cool.

Bob: Dude... that's f#@king gross.

Jim: Yeah... but it's DIFFERENT! And if you want to have good taste in food, you have to train yourself to like stuff that's different, even if it's kinda lousy.

Bob: Whatever, man... I'm going back to my "uncool" burger now.

Jim: Yeah, I figured you wouuu...what the F#@K is that???

Bob: What?!?!

Jim: That white thing hanging out of your burger?!?!?

Bob: Uh... it's an onion.

Jim: AN ONION??! What f#@king idiot put an onion on your burger?!?! Dude... I'd call the manager if I were you.

Bob: Uh... I asked them to put onions on it.

Jim: YOU WHAT?!?!? Why the hell would you do a thing like that?!?!

Bob: Because I like onions, you twat. Geez. What is your deal, man...? Everyone has different tastes... I like onions... you don't... whatever... it's just a normal part of life.

Jim: I know that people have different tastes. I'm not a moron. But how the hell could you like onions?!?! They taste like sh#t. I mean, seriously... onions are the worst tasting food on the planet. Only a f#@king ****** would like onions!!

Bob: What the hell is wrong with you dude?

Jim: What's wrong with me?!?!? What's wrong with YOU?!?! How can you call yourself an educated human being and actually like onions?!? What kind of unrefined, tasteless boob are you?

Bob: Holy hell, man... you have some serious issues.

Jim: It's probably all of those d@mn onion commercials they're always showing on TV. "Try onions... you'll like them". I mean really... the ONLY reason people like onions is because the TV tells them to. It's not physically possible that anyone could like onions of their own free will, because I don't like onions, and my taste in food is the gold-standard of the entire universe.

Bob: That's just plain absurd.

Jim: Is it? I submit that it is not! You just have to accept the fact that what I like is what determines somethings worth. For example, if a chef makes a dish that I don't like, that means the chef has no talent.

Bob: ...or that it just wasn't something suited to your tastes.

Jim: No, you dimwit. It means he has NO TALENT. If I don't like it, it means that the person who created it has no talent.

Bob: But nature created onions. Are saying that nature has no talent?

Jim: I guess I am. There's just no excuse for onions. They're pure evil.

Bob: You do realize that you sound completely insane getting that worked up over onions? I mean... it's just not healthy to have THAT strong of a hatred against a particular food. You just sound crazy.

Jim: Hey man... it's not crazy. It's just me trying to show you how WRONG you are for not liking the exact same thing as me. It's perfectly normal. And if you weren't so soul-less, you'd be doing the same thing.

Bob: Uh... but didn't you just say that I shouldn't do what other people are doing?? So, why should I do the same thing as you?

Jim: Hhhmm... I didn't think of that.

Bob: And what about foods that you like?

Jim: How do you mean?

Bob: Well... are there any foods that you like?

Jim: Hell yeah!! I like raw Ahi Tuna.... that's the best fish, by far (and if you don't think so, you're a tool). And I like goat's milk... and Venti Triple-Shot Soy Lattes... and..

Bob: [interrupts] OK... so what if I got everyone in here to like Ahi Tuna? Would you still like it?

Jim: Uh... well.. I mean... I guess I'd still like it... but if everyone else liked it too, then I'd probably start to find things wrong with it... and then eventually, I'd say that I never really liked it in the first place and that it was just a stupid phase I went through. I mean... I can't go liking something that everyone else is into... that's just lame.

Bob: [getting up from the table] Dude.... you are, hands down, the biggest dumb@ss I know.

Jim: [following Bob out to the car] Hey, whatever man... that's just your opinion.

Bob: [starting car] Yeah... I guess it is.

[radio begins playing]

Jim: OOOH! Nickleback!! ....I LOVE this band!




WATYF